Howard: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon: How else are they going to learn? Look, question 2, "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is, when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.

Sheldon: Well, those are indicators that I'm farther along the evolutionary scale than the average human.
Leonard: No kidding.
Sheldon: Well, no, no, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind. You know, a Homo Novus, if you will. No, that's for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.

Sheldon: You have to drive me to work.
Penny: Yeah, I really don't think I do.
Sheldon: But I don't drive and I can't take the bus.
Penny: Alright, honey, you'll be fine as long as you don't do that bungee chord thing.

Sheldon: Studies are shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces ones reaction time by the same factors as ounce of alcohol.

DMV Worker: Application?
Sheldon: I'm actually more of a theorist.
Howard: The application in your hand, give it to her.
Sheldon: Oh.

Sheldon: Maybe if I turn off the nightlight, I can keep the sheets.

Sheldon: *knock knock knock* Penny! (x3)
Penny: Sheldon, what is it?
Sheldon: Leonard's asleep.
Penny: Thanks for the update.

Sheldon: (To the cleaning ladies) You saw nothing!

Sheldon: Thank you for driving me to work.
Penny: You know this is my day off, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, good. I'm not keeping you from anything.

Sheldon: You're going up Euclid Avenue?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon: Leonard takes Los Robles Avenue.
Penny: Well, good for Leonard.
Sheldon: Euclid Avenue is shorter as the crow flies, but it has speed bumps, which appreciably increase point-to-point drive time, making it the less efficient choice. But you have the conn. Of course, if you're not going to slow down for the speed bumps, I withdraw my previous objection.

Sheldon: Okay. I'll say an element, and uh, you say an element whose name starts with the last letter of the one I said, okay? I'll start. Helium. Now, you could say Mercury. That would give me a Y. Ooh, very clever, that's a tough one. So I go Ytterbium, which gets you back to M. So you go Molybdenum, and I say Magnesium, you say Manganese, and I say Europium, and, and you're left with Mendelevium, and there are no more M's because I believe that Meitnerium should still be called Ekairidium, so congratulations, you win. Do you wanna go again?

Penny: (pulling car over) Get out.
Sheldon: Well, I have to tell you that while I do have a theoretical understanding of the workings of an internal combustion engine, I'm not sure I'm capable of performing diagnostics.
Penny: I said, get out.
Sheldon: Okay. I'll give it a shot. (Penny drives away)

Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, there you are, I'm ready to go home.
Leonard: I just got here.
Sheldon: Good, perfect timing.

Leonard: Sheldon, I told you, I only have access to the free-electron laser at night. I can't drive you for the next few weeks.
Sheldon: No, you said you couldn't drive me to work, this is from work.
Leonard: Howard, help me out here.
Howard: No, just for the fun of it, I'm gonna take his side.
Sheldon: Now, how do you propose I get home?
Leonard: How did you get here in the first place?
Sheldon: Penny. But I sense that's no longer an option.
Leonard: Look, I need to get to the laser lab, you're just going to have to find someone else to take you home. [Sheldon looks to Howard]
Howard: Oh damn, I picked the wrong side.

Sheldon: Where are you going?
Raj: I'm taking you home.
Sheldon: Oh, but I'm not going home. It's Wednesday. Wednesday is new comic book day. We have to go to the comic book store. And then we have to stop at Soup Plantation, it's creamy tomato soup day, and Radio Shack, there's a sale on triple-a batteries. Plus, we have to go to Pottery Barn and return my Star Wars sheets.
Raj: I have a better idea.
Sheldon: You want to go to Pottery Barn first?