Quotes from ‘The Pirate Solution’

The Pirate Solution

'The Pirate Solution' - Season 3, Episode 4

When Raj faces the threat of deportation if he doesn't find a job, he must turn to Sheldon for help. Meanwhile, the newly coupled Leonard and Penny are stuck with Howard as a third wheel.

Air Date: October 12, 2009.

Quote from Raj

Raj: I'm going to be deported. Sent home in disgrace. Exposed to the sardonic barbs of my cousin Sanjay or, as you may know him, Dave from AT&T customer service.

Quote from Raj

Leonard: I've always been a little confused about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be like God.
Raj: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: There's a fine line between wrong and visionary. Unfortunately, you have to be a visionary to see it.

Quote from Raj

Rajesh: Okay, please don't take this the wrong way, but I'd rather swim buck naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow agonizing death from a viral infection, than work with you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Yes, since their relationship became carnal, Penny has updated his designated term of endearment, distinguishing him from those she calls 'sweetie,' usually as an attempt to soften a thinly-veiled insult.
Penny: You're boring people, sweetie.
Sheldon: Although sometimes, she omits the veil entirely.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: All right, we're going to be designing an experiment to look for the annihilation spectrum resulting from dark matter collisions in space.
Raj: Ooh, dark matter. We better bring a flashlight, ha, ha.
Sheldon stares at Raj.
Raj: I was making a joke.
Sheldon: I'm the boss. I make the jokes.
Raj: Sorry, go ahead and make your joke.
Sheldon: This is not the time for joking.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Honey, you don't have to thank me every time we have sex, sweetie.

Quote from Raj

Sheldon: *Knock Knock Knock* Raj. *Knock Knock Knock* Raj. *Knock Knock Knock* Raj.
*Raj answers the door*
Raj: I'm busy.
Sheldon: Doing what? *Raj does his finger trick again* Okay, you've made your point.

Quote from Sheldon

Raj: You want me to work with you?
Sheldon: For me!

Quote from Raj

Leonard: What have you been doing for the past six months?
Raj: You know, checking email, updating my Facebook status, messing up Wikipedia entries. Did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Like the subordinate male protagonist in countless action movies who disappears halfway through the second reel, I have returned to save the day. [pause]. Odd, he's usually met by cheers.

Quote from Raj

Sheldon: I want you to work for me again.
Raj: 'For you' or 'with you'?
Sheldon: In this context, 'for me' can mean 'with me'.
Raj: All right, but I have some conditions.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: I'll take the job. See you Monday.

Quote from Raj

Raj: I don't wanna go back to India, it's hot and loud, and there are so many people! You have no idea, they're everywhere.

Quote from Raj

Howard: What do you mean you didn't get the job? How could you not get it?
Raj: You know, he's British, I'm Indian. Ever since Gandhi, they haven't liked us very much.
Leonard: Are you saying that he discriminated against you? Because we should file a complaint.
Raj:That's okay, a complaint's been filed.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Pardon me, Sheldon, but how many reels until the protagonist gets to his point?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
Leonard: What do you mean?
Sheldon: Well, the instructions are very clear. Don't feed the gremlins after midnight. Don't get the gremlins wet. How hard is that?

Quote from Leonard

Penny: So, what are you guys doing?
Howard: Celebrating Columbus Day.
Leonard: We're watching Goonies, Gremlins and Young Sherlock Holmes. ... They were all written by Chris Columbus.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Oh, you know, that reminds me. I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving, but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial.
Leonard: What's he on trial for?
Penny: Oh, just a big misunderstanding. You know, you'd actually like my brother. He's kind of a chemist.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Yeah, I really wish I could, Penny, but every year my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous tur-briska-fil.
Penny: Tur-briska-fil?
Howard: Turkey stuffed with a brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: So, what's going on with Raj?
Howard: Well, the good news is, he has no problem with my mother's tur-brka-fil.
Penny: Hard to believe, but go on.
Howard: The bad news is, he says he's getting deported.
Leonard: What do you mean, he's getting deported?
Sheldon: I believe it means that the U.S. Government is going to expel him from the country. He could then either return to his native India, emigrate to another country that's willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate. Personally, I'd choose pirate.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
Penny: Ugh, fine. But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Sheldon: Another reason to consider a life of piracy. Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.

Quote from Raj

Howard: Okay, she's gone.
Raj: Sorry. I lost my cool.
Leonard: So, what's going on?
Raj: Okay, here's the deal .Six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.
Howard: So?
Raj: So, my visa's only good as long as I'm employed at the university. And when they find out I've got squat, theyre going to cut me off. By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly-squat. I wish I had squat.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: And you've continued to take the university's money under false pretenses? Highly unethical for an astrophysicist. Although practically mandatory for a pirate.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Okay, guys, think, how do we keep Raj in the country?
Penny: (from outside) Why doesnt he just get another job?
Howard: (Raj whispers to Howard) What are you asking me for? I don't know if you can talk now or not.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Oh, beef, Im going to miss you so much. Do you know, at the Mumbai McDonald's, you can't get a Big Mac? All you can get is a Chicken Maharaja Mac. And the special sauce is curry, which in India, believe you me, is really not that special.

Quote from Raj

Leonard: Don't worry. You'll find another job.
Raj: Yeah, let me start practicing for it. "Do you want fries with that Maharaja Mac?"

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Hi, Leonard. Hello, Raj.
Raj: Hello Sheldon.
Sheldon: Forgive me .As you know, I'm not adept at reading facial cues, but I'm going to take a stab here, you're either sad or nauseated.
Raj: I'm sad.
Sheldon: I was going to say sad. I don't know why I hedged.

Quote from Raj

Raj: What are you eating?
Sheldon: Elbow macaroni with ground hamburger and tomato sauce.
Raj: Oh, beefaroni. I think I'll miss you most of all.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm sorry.
Raj: Me, too. I'm just, I'm a little on edge.
Sheldon: Understandable. Your entire life seems to be crumbling around you, and your future appears bleak at best.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: And you're wrong about Hinduism and cows.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: Hey, Raj, guess what. Professor Laughlin is looking for someone to join the stellar evolution research team.
Raj: You-you're kidding. That's fantastic!
Howard: Come on, what are you waiting for? Call him and set up an interview.
Raj: I'm on it.
Sheldon: That's happy, right?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Nailed it.

Quote from Raj

Professor Laughlin: Dr. Koothrappali, come on in. I was surprised to hear you were interested In joining our little team. Giving up on those trans-Neptunian objects, are we?
Raj: No, no, it's a very promising area. In a perfect world I'd spend several more years on it. But I just couldn't pass up the opportunity to work with you on your tremendously exciting and not yet conclusively disproved hypothesis.

Quote from Raj

Professor Laughlin: Splendid. Uh, please sit down. Can I offer you a sherry?
Raj: It's a little early, isn't it?
Professor Laughlin: Not on Proxima Centauri.
Raj: That's very good. Jolly amusing, but if you don't mind, I'll hold off until sunset on titan.
Professor Laughlin: Oh, well done. I have a feeling you're going to fit in just fine, Dr. Koothrappali.

Quote from Raj

Professor Laughlin: Dr. Koothrappali, may I present Dr. Millstone from MIT. She'll be heading up our data analysis team.
Dr. Millstone: It's nice to meet you, Dr. Koothrappali. I read your paper on Kuiper belt object size distribution. I really enjoyed it. How did you correct for the selection bias?
Raj: (After drinking a large sherry) Well, I ran a simulation that allowed me to correct for the observational efficiency.
Dr. Millstone: That's just fascinating.
Raj: Thank you. Would you like to hear more about it in my hot tub? ... So, when do I start?

Quote from Howard

Howard: I'm really going to miss you.
Raj: Will you come visit me in India?
Howard: Gee, that's, like, a 17-hour flight. How about I meet you halfway?
Raj: Halfway is 600 miles off the coast of Japan.
Howard: Tell you what, we'll Skype.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Anyway, I was thinking about exploring the string theory implications of gamma rays from dark matter annihilations, and it occurred to me that I could benefit-
Leonard: Excuse me, Sheldon, how many reels before the subordinate male protagonist gets to his point?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. If you didn't cheer at my entrance, it's too late to buy into the premise. Anyway, I got some extra money from the head of the department, and Raj can come work for me.

Quote from Raj

Raj: I've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
Sheldon: For me.
Raj: Yes, for you. I do, however, have a few conditions. First, at all times, I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published material. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
Sheldon: I'm impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon: I reject them all.
Raj: Then you leave me no choice. I accept the job.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm sorry, I believe you've misunderstood. I'm not giving you the job. I'm simply affording you the opportunity to apply for it. Have a seat, we'll get started with the interview.
Raj: Wha... you're kidding!
Sheldon: Please.
Raj: All right.
Sheldon: So, that's what you wear to an interview?
Raj: Come on, dude, we've been friends for years.
Sheldon: Oh, pulling strings, are we?
Raj: Sheldon, for God's sakes, don't make me beg.
Sheldon: Bazinga! You've fallen victim to another one of my classic practical jokes. I'm your boss now. You may want to laugh at that.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Ah, it's nice having the place to ourselves, isn't it?
Leonard: Uh-huh. Now that Raj is working for Sheldon, I don't have to chauffeur him around anymore. Plus, yeah, with them working late so much, we get some privacy.
Penny: Mm-hmm. Hey, want to get a little crazy?
Leonard: What are you thinking?
Penny: Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot a make out.
Leonard: You are a dirty girl.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while. So what are we watching? Sex and the City. Yikes.
Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Howard: Fine, let's watch it. Maybe all our periods will synchronize.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: What are you doing here?
Howard: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for apres l'amour.
Penny: Oh, kill me.
Howard: By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn't have had to hear that.

Quote from Sheldon

Raj: No, no, no, no! That rate is much too low for what we'd expect from this collision. Do you understand that we're talking about dark matter colliding in outer space?
Sheldon: Of course I understand. And who are you to tell me about outer space?
Raj: I'm the astrophysicist. Astro means space.
Sheldon: Astro means star.
Raj: Okay, well, let me just tell you, if we were having this argument in my native language, I'd be kicking your butt.
Sheldon: English is your native language.

Quote from Raj

Raj: My god, you think that every thought that comes out of your head is pure gold. Well, let me tell you something. Some of those thoughts are pure caca.
Sheldon: Caca?
Raj: It means doo-doo.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Wait, you have to drive me home.
Raj: How did you get here?
Sheldon: I walked.
Raj: So walk home.
Sheldon: I can't. There's a big dog outside.

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