Penny: Good morning, slut!
Leonard: What?
Penny: Oh, please! I recognise the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it!

Sheldon: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider, just this once, using your genitalia to actually accomplish something.

Sheldon: You seem to have forgotten the reason we live together is that we're best friends. And I've got your back, Jack.

Sheldon: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where you going? The drive thru at Jack In The Box?

Sheldon: There are a lot more rich old ladies out there and Daddy needs a new linear accelerator.

Amy: Well then, prepare to be terrified. If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the Geology department.
Sheldon: Oh no. Not the dirt people!
Amy: Or, worse still, it could go to the liberal arts.
Sheldon: No!
Amy: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists and students of gender studies.
Sheldon: Oh, the humanities!

Penny: We can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we gave you.

Sheldon: I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.

Sheldon: Unlikely, but make your case. Keeping in mind your critical attitude is ruining our Saturday night together, and I'm not above minimizing your window.

Sheldon: It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to put on a pair of latex gloves I'll let you check me for a hernia.

Sheldon: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.
Penny: Sheldon, it's Saturday night. You'll be doing laundry.
Sheldon: Don't tell him that. Tell him the mask thing.

Amy: Sheldon, like it or not, until you manage to upload your intelligence into a self-sustaining orbiting satellite, equipped with high-speed Internet and a cloaking device, you will be dependent on other members of the human race.
Sheldon: That's it. Prepare to be minimized.
Amy: I'm not finished. All scientists have to fund-raise, Sheldon. How do you think I paid for my lab?
I went to Saudi Arabia and met with a prince who had an interest in neurobiology.
Sheldon: Your lab is funded by some Middle-Eastern dilettante?
Amy: Technically, Faisal is my fiance. But I do have a state-of-the-art two-photon microscope and a place to stay in Riyadh for the winter.
Sheldon: Well, that explains those puzzling camel race photos on your Facebook page.

President Siebert: Ah. There's my band of brainiacs. Where's Dr. Cooper?
Leonard: He's tearing the mask off nature to look at the face of God.

Mrs. Latham: I no longer care, dear. But don't worry, I really enjoyed meeting you this evening.
Leonard: You're kidding. That was good for you? 'cause I was sweating through my T-shirt.
Mrs. Latham: Excellent! There's nothing I like better than making smart people feel ill at ease.
Leonard: Why?
Mrs. Latham: Oh, I don't know, it's one of the fun things you get to do when you have lots of money. Watch. (To Raj) Hey! Who said you could eat that shrimp? See? Fun.

Sheldon: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard: No, I didn't do it for the money.
Sheldon: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to her.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you.

Sheldon: No, no, no, I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands. Explain it to them, Siebert.

Sheldon: I must confess I don't understand you, President Siebert. First you say you want me to appear at your fund-raisers, but now you say you never want me to go anywhere near your fund-raisers. Forgive me, but that sounds like a mixed message. Here we go again. If there's simply no talking to me, why did you call? I'm sorry, someone's on the other line. Why don't you see if you can organize your thoughts, and we'll try again later.

Sheldon: Cooper-Hofstadter residence. Go for Cooper. Good morning, Mrs. Latham. Well, yes, of course I remember you. A woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husband's ill-gotten gains.
So, how much money are you going to give me? I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested. Well, if you're not going to give me money, then why are you calling? She wants to talk to you. Who's crazy now?

Sheldon: Okay, I see what's happening.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: My stature intimidates her, so she's using you to get to me. Crafty old gal.
Leonard: Excuse me, but you are not the only distinguished scientist in this apartment. I've been published in peer-reviewed journals, I received a Dissertation of the Year award for experimental particle physics.
Sheldon: No, that can't be it.

Sheldon: I'm sorry, so, eventually, zombies are going to attack the rehab facility where Sandra Bullock is?
Penny: Yes, Sheldon. Keep watching.
Sheldon: You know, it's a shame, all that work she's doing to get sober, only to be torn apart and eaten alive.

Howard: Hey. How was dinner?
Leonard: Swell. I need a drink. Do we have any alcohol?
Sheldon: No. But we have potatoes, I could make you vodka. It'll take two weeks.

Leonard: Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump.
Sheldon: Oh, wow!
Howard: Yes!
Leonard: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.

Howard: Are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard: I think so.
Howard: You lucky duck.
Penny: You're really a broken toy, aren't you?

Penny: What was all that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?
Sheldon: It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.

Leonard: I am not going to have sex with her.
Sheldon: Maybe this will overcome your reluctance. I went on the Internet and found a photograph of a 25-year-old Mrs. Latham to get your libido humming. Check out those saddle shoes. Rar!

Leonard: Face it, Raj, we crashed and burned tonight.
Mrs. Latham: Oh, you didn't do that badly.
Leonard: Mrs. Latham, the first machine I turn on in the morning is the helium-neon laser, 'cause it needs to warm up.
Mrs. Latham:: I no longer care, dear.

Leonard: On the bright side, I don't think President Siebert will be making us go to any more fund-raisers.
Howard: It was so much easier at my bar mitzvah. The old people just came up to you, pinched your cheek and handed you a savings bond.
Raj: Oh, don't be such gloomy gusses. Look at the size of these shrimp! At what point do we start calling them lobsters?

Sheldon: And so, instead of bowing to pressure, and going to that pointless soire, I stayed right here and did a load of whites.
Amy: (On webcam) Well, normally I respect your macho rebellious attitude toward The Man, but, in this case, I think you'vee made a foolish mistake.

President Siebert: Mrs. Latham, I'd like you to meet three of our outstanding young researchers. This is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter, Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali and Howard Wolowitz.
Mrs. Latham: Well, what happened to you, Wolowitz, couldn't stick with it long enough to get your PhD?
Howard: I'm an engineer. Most engineers don't bother with a PhD. But you may be interested to know I designed the zero-gravity waste-disposal system for NASA.
Mrs. Latham: Got it. You're a space plumber.

Leonard: Are you sure this is right?
Penny: Yeah, just tuck that part in your pants; you'll be fine.
Howard: Okay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tuckus.

President Siebert: So, listen, fellas, who's up for a little party this Saturday night? Open bar, good eats, might even be a few pretty girls.
Raj: Sounds great!
Howard: I'm in!
Sheldon: Hold on. Just because the nice man is offering you candy, doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van. What's the occasion?
President Siebert: Just a little fund-raiser for the university.
Sheldon: Aha! The tear-stained air mattress in the back of the van.

Leonard: Oh, Dr. Siebert, twelve o'clock.
Howard: Why's the president of the university slumming in the cafeteria?
Sheldon: Perhaps he's emulating Shakespeare's Henry V, who dressed as a commoner and mingled among them, to find out how he was being perceived by his subjects. Course, if he'd have read any of the thirteen hundred e-mails I've sent him on the subject of his administration, he could have saved himself the trouble.

Raj: Yeah, okay, so, zombies.
Leonard: I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like, in 28 Days, if those zombies didn't eat, they starved.
Howard: You're thinking of 28 Days Later. 28 Days is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an un-dead state
Raj: Hey, don't bag on Sandra Bullock! You think it makes you look cultured, but you just come off as bitter.

Raj: Here's what I wonder about zombies. What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on how do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.

Leonard: What's this?
Sheldon: Just a few things you may need tonight. There's baby oil, condoms, and a little something I procured from the school of pharmacology. They say it is to Viagra as Viagra is to a green M&M.

Sheldon: Penny, you're an expert on trading sexual favors for material gain, walk him through this.

Raj: Nice place. Reminds me of my parents' house back in New Delhi.
Howard: You're kidding.
Raj: No. We are very wealthy. But the only difference is, we have more servants.
Leonard: More than this?
Raj: More than we can use. You see, in India, we don't make the mistake of letting our poor people have dreams.

Penny: Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dickey.
Howard: Excuse me, my girlfriend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.