Sheldon: He has glasses and I'm a know-it-all. We are not built for prison.

Leonard: What are we going to do?
Sheldon: Perform the experiment immediately.
Leonard: I'd love to, but we need liquid helium and our shipment's on back order for a month.
Sheldon: A month? What? Are you kidding me? That would have been a good time for you to soften the blow.
Leonard: That shirt brings out the blue in your eyes.
Sheldon: Thank you. Aren't you sweet?

Sheldon: Uh, but this is violating university code.
Leonard: A little, but if I may quote Einstein, "The pursuit of science calls us to ignore the rules set by man"
Sheldon: Huh. All right, do it. Tell him we're in.
Leonard: Done.
Sheldon: I can't find that quote on the Internet. Did you make that up?
Leonard: Before I answer, may I just say your skin has never looked better.
Sheldon: Aren't you just made of sugar.

Sheldon: And I'm sorry I lied about being a wedding planner who can't find love. Although I am currently single, if you know anybody.

Dealer: But you ain't getting your money back.
Sheldon: You're taking advantage of us? We clarified nomenclature together.
Dealer: Look, I enjoy semantic digressions as much as the next guy, but, uh, this is business.

Leonard: It says right here on Wikipedia, "A Mexican standoff is a confrontation between at least three parties."
Sheldon: How can you trust Wikipedia if they use "between" to refer to three parties?
Dealer: They should've used "among," right?
Sheldon: Or "amongst," if they were feeling whimsically archaic.
Dealer: All right, enough with the chitchat. Are we gonna watch Ernest Goes to Jail or not?
Sheldon: Absolutely. But don't be surprised if this movie sets you on the straight and narrow.
Dealer: I am open to change.

Leonard: Hey, Barry, we're in trouble. We need liquid helium. Does the department have any we can use?
Barry Kripke: Sorry, there's a shortage. And what we do have I need for my quantum excitation study.
Sheldon: But you won't need much for that.
Barry Kripke: True, but if it's successful, I'm having a party with balloons.

Sheldon: Leonard, if that Swedish team beats us, I will never be able to enjoy anything from their country again. Which is a shame, because Swedish meatballs are my favorite toothpick-delivered meatball.

Bernadette: Hey, you know who went out on a date the other night? Stuart.
Penny: Oh, good for him.
Bernadette: I thought so, too.
Penny: So is she, like, homeless, or framing him for a crime?

Penny: Well, so how does it work?
Stuart: Ah, well, it shows me all the single women in a five-mile radius who are using the app. If I like the way they look, I hit thumbs up. If I don't, thumbs down.
Bernadette: Oh, what would make you give a girl a thumbs down?
Stuart: First time it happens I will let you know.

Leonard: Oh, hey. I just heard back from the liquid helium guy.
Sheldon: What'd he say?
Leonard: He's got what we need and can meet us tonight.
Sheldon: Oh, really? You know I don't like buying things at night.
January 7, 2009. I went to the Ralph's at 11:30pm to pick up Cracklin' Oat Bran for the morning, and what did I see?
Leonard: The man restocking the cereal shelves.
Sheldon: That's right. And what did he do?
Leonard: He handed you the box directly and called you Stretch.
Sheldon: (shudders) It's like it was yesterday.

Leonard: That must be him.
Sheldon: Oh, of course. A nondescript, white panel van.
You may be familiar with it from the sentence: "Their bodies were found in a nondescript, white panel van."

Leonard: He wants more money.
Sheldon: Well, it better not be more than a thousand dollars. That's all I've got on me.
Dealer: That's exactly how much it is.
Sheldon: Finally, something breaks our way.

Bernadette: And how many guys have you gone out with?
Stuart: Please be less than two.
Amy: Three.
Stuart: Damn it.

Sheldon: Well, the Swedes might beat us, but at least we won't get gang-noogied in prison.
Leonard: Is Ernest Goes to Jail the only prison movie you've seen?
Sheldon: It scared me straight, Leonard.