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Quote from the episode The Tangerine Factor

Howard: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.

4.8

Quote from the episode The Relationship Diremption

Raj: We have to go over some ground rules about Emily.
Howard: Like when it turns out she's made of rubber, I don't say anything?
Raj: She's very real.
Howard: That's what it says on the box. Right next to dishwasher safe.

4.8

Quote from the episode The Proton Displacement

Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
Howard: That's true, you'd rust.

4.8

Quote from the episode The Gorilla Dissolution

Bernadette: Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard: You mean a fork lift?

4.8

Quote from the episode The Hawking Excitation

Howard: Why should I do something nice for you?
Sheldon: To go to Jewish heaven.
Howard: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon: To avoid Jewish hell?
Howard: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell.

4.7

Quote from the episode The Zazzy Substitution

Howard: On the potty, what are you five?
Raj: It's a potty, what do you call it?
Howard: A toilet.
Raj: That's a little vulgar for the dinner table, don't you think?
Howard: and potty is okay?
Raj: Potty is innocent. Potty is adorable.
Howard: What do you do on the potty, wee-wee?
Raj: If I don't have to boom-boom.

4.7

Quote from the episode The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary

Bernadette: Does your mother call you everyday to see if you had a healthy lunch?
Howard: My mother calls me everyday to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Financial Permeability

Leonard: OK, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes, Koothrappali's going to wet himself, I'm gonna throw up, Sheldon's gonna run away and you're going to die.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Cohabitation Formulation

Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: Sex Criminals don't have KEYS MA!!!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Where were you so late?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette
Mrs. Wolowitz: I know what that means, I watch Dr. Phil. I hope to God, you used a condom.
Howard: I am not having this conversation with you ma.
Mrs. Wolowitz: God forbid you get one of them fancy sex diseases.
Howard: Nobody has a disease!!
Mrs. Wolowitz:I hope not, I share a toilet with you. Is that what you want, to give your mother herpes?

4.6

Quote from the episode The Rhinitis Revelation

(Howard has just told Mary about his upcoming trip to the International Space Station.)
Mary Cooper: I bet your mom is really proud of you.
Howard: Nope. She says if I don't back out, she's gonna go on a hunger strike. It'd take years before she'd be in any kind of danger, but still....

4.6

Quote from the episode The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition

Wolowitz: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Wolowitz: So there is a number.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Monopolar Expedition

Leonard: Howard, this is big science. You could be the engineer who builds the equipment that puts us on the cover of magazines.
Howard: I could also be the engineer that builds the crossbow that kills Sheldon.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Large Hadron Collision

Leonard: What would you do if you were me?
Wolowitz: I would take Sheldon to Switzerland!
Leonard: Really?
Wolowitz: Yes, and I'd leave him there!

4.6

Quote from the episode The Robotic Manipulation

Nurse: *Lifts up towel* What is this?
Howard: It's a robot arm.
Nurse: Where's the rest of the robot?
Howard: I only built the arm.
Nurse: Because that's all you needed, right?

4.6

Quote from the episode The Mommy Observation

Sheldon: Aren't you gonna come with me?
Howard: While you confront your mother about your sex life? I'd rather go back to that bar in assless chaps.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Griffin Equivalency

(Sheldon smiles in a grotesque way).
Howard: Oh...... crap that's terrifying.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Pancake Batter Anomaly

Sheldon: (On the phone) Howard, I'm sick.
Howard: (Hesitating, Imitating Mrs. Wolowitz) Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon: I need soup!
Howard: (Imitating Mrs. Wolowitz) Then call your own mother.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Hofstadter Isotope

Wolowitz: I am a horny engineer, I never joke about math or sex.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Classified Materials Turbulence

Howard: Hey, you want to make sure [Stuart] gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard: I'm listening.
Howard: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Panty Pinata Polarization

Wolowitz: If it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then fine, I'm "creepy".

4.6

Quote from the episode The Bat Jar Conjecture

*Raj laughs in an "evil" way*
Wolowitz: That's more like: We're tall thin women who want to make a coat out of your Dalmatians.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation

Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That's why I added the '-tator'.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Wiggly Finger Catalyst

Penny: (Whispers) Here she comes.
Howard: Smart. Whisper so the deaf chick doesn't hear you!

4.6

Quote from the episode The Panty Pinata Polarization

Wolowitz (watching America's Next Top Model): Oh, look! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of... what a coincidence... is the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Peanut Reaction

Howard: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it!
Penny: *To Sheldon* It's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon: Ah, fair enough.
Howard: He came with a manual.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Killer Robot Instability

Mrs. Wolowitz: Want me to get you a popsicle?
Howard: Cherry, please!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I ate the cherry. All that's left is green.
Howard: You make me wanna kill myself!

4.6

Quote from the episode The Pork Chop Indeterminacy

Rajesh: Missy. Do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Rajesh: Yes, well, we Indians invented them. (leans in toward her) You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. (leans in toward Missy) You're welcome.

4.6

Quote from the episode The 21-Second Excitation

(Raj whistles to try find Sheldon in the theater)
Howard: We're looking for Sheldon, not Marmaduke!

4.6

Quote from the episode The Peanut Reaction

[Sheldon is refusing to buy a present for Leonard]
Howard: [to Penny] Try telling him it's a non optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard: Just do it!
Penny: [to Sheldon] It's a non optional social convention.
Sheldon: Oh! Fair enough.
[Penny surprised]
Howard: He came with a manual.

4.6

Quote from the episode The Roommate Transmogrification

Howard: You gotta like this: the girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend, bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty? (All but Leonard laugh)
Leonard: Kill me!
Sheldon: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

4.6

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