The Big Bang Theory - Wolowitz Quotes

Howard: Sheldon, you remember the first few weeks we were looking for magnetic monopoles and not finding anything, and you were acting like an obnoxious, giant dictator?
Raj: I thought we were going to be gentle with him.
Howard: That's why I added the '-tator'.

Wolowitz: Raj, there's no place for truth on the Internet.

Wolowitz: I am a horny engineer, I never joke about math or sex.

*Howard is teaching Sheldon Chinese*.
Howard: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.

Leonard: OK, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard: Yes, Koothrappali's going to wet himself, I'm gonna throw up, Sheldon's gonna run away and you're going to die.

Wolowitz: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Wolowitz: So there is a number.

Leonard: Howard, this is big science. You could be the engineer who builds the equipment that puts us on the cover of magazines.
Howard: I could also be the engineer that builds the crossbow that kills Sheldon.

Wolowitz (watching America's Next Top Model): Oh, look! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait! That's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. With her head in the lap of... what a coincidence... is the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

(Sheldon smiles in a grotesque way).
Howard: Oh...... crap that's terrifying.

Howard: Sheldon knows football? I mean Quidditch, sure, but football?

Mrs. Hofstadter: It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
*Pause*
Howard: Say what?

Penny: How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?
Wolowitz: We add Bluetooth.

Wolowitz: If it's "creepy" to use the Internet, military satellites, and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so I can drop in on them unexpected, then fine, I'm "creepy".

*In the bathtub*.
Howard: So nice you could join me this evening, you're looking lovely as always.
Katee Sackhoff: Thanks Howard, always nice to be part of your masturbatory fantasies.

Wolowitz: As delicious as the appetizer may be, sooner or later we will have to succumb and eat the entrée while it’s still…*licks finger and makes a sizzling sound*…hot.

Leonard: Howard, relax. I am not interested in your girlfriend.
Howard: I hope not. Because you don't wanna mess with me. *Gets in Leonard's face* I'm crazy.

Rajesh: Missy. Do you enjoy pajamas?
Missy: I guess.
Rajesh: Yes, well, we Indians invented them. (leans in toward her) You're welcome.
Howard: Yeah, well my people invented circumcision. (leans in toward Missy) You're welcome.

Wolowitz: Sheldon, I'd kill my Rabbi with a pork chop to be with your sister.

Wolowitz: He [Raj] compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a Summer's Eve.

Wolowitz: Qu'est-ce que 'sup?

Howard (to Leonard, after a round of Dance Dance Revolution): Grab a napkin, homey, you just got served.
Leonard: That's fine, you win. (walks away)  
Howard (to Sheldon): What's his problem?  
Sheldon: His imaginary girlfriend broke up with him.
Howard: Been there!

Howard: Hey, you want to make sure [Stuart] gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard: I'm listening.
Howard: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.

Wolowitz: Love is not a sprint, it's a marathon, a relentless pursuit that only ends when she falls into your arms - or hits you with the pepper spray.

Wolowitz: Gentlemen, to the sewing machines!

Wolowitz: They're called tattoo sleeves... Put them on, have freaky sex with some freaky girl with her business pierced, take them off, and I can still be buried in a Jewish cemetary.