The Matrimonial Metric Season 11, Episode 12 -  Aired January 4, 2018

The Matrimonial Metric

When Sheldon and Amy put their friends through a series of secret experiments to determine who should be their best man and maid of honor, Penny's true feelings about Amy are revealed.

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Guest Stars: Kevin Sussman as Stuart

Writers: Maria Ferrari (Story), Tara Hernandez (Story), Jeremy Howe (Story), Steve Holland (Teleplay), Eric Kaplan (Teleplay), Andy Gordon (Teleplay)

Director: Mark Cendrowski

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Episode Notes

  • The title refers to Sheldon and Amy's process of determining who should be their best man and maid of honor.

Episode Quotes

Sheldon: Did Bernadette even try to send us a sewing kit?
Amy: She did. Amazon, standard shipping, not even Prime.
Sheldon: (gasps) We could've done that ourselves.
Amy: (chuckles) That's what she said.

Amy: Okay, what's the next test?
Sheldon: Loyalty. We need to choose someone who has our backs, someone who will keep our secrets even from each other.
Amy: Well, I don't have any secrets from you. Do you have secrets from me?
Sheldon: Yes. Oh, that has been weighing on me for years.

Sheldon: Leonard, quick. I need you to get me to Arcadia within the hour. The train store's having a sale.
Leonard: Why can't Amy drive you?
Sheldon: Because of the tradition that I cannot see Amy on the day of the train store sale.
Leonard: Please, please see a doctor.

Amy: So I was talking to my favorite aunt-
Penny: Aunt Doe, right?
Amy: Exactly.
Penny: Did she ever figure out what that thing on her knee was?
Amy: Turns out it was a chocolate chip.
Penny: Hmm. Makes sense, she does like to bake.
Amy: Yes, she does. Damn, you are a thoroughbred.

Sheldon: Howard, I've had my eye on this limited edition Swamp Thing, but now that I'm about to buy it, I'm having second thoughts. What do you think?
Howard: I don't know, Sheldon, it's pretty expensive.
Sheldon: Yes, but what if it will make me happy, you know, waking up and seeing it every morning for the rest of my life?
Howard: Really, a walking clump of swamp grass?
Sheldon: Yeah, well, Bernadette's no prize either!

Recap

As Amy drives Sheldon over to Howard & Bernadette’s house, Amy asks him to avoid talking about their wedding plans tonight, explaining that she’s having trouble deciding between Penny and Bernadette for maid of honor. Penny is her best friend, but Amy was Bernadette’s maid of honor and senses Bernadette expects her to return the honor. After Amy asks Sheldon to change the subject if any wedding talk comes up, they decide on a code word so Sheldon will know when to move the discussion.

At Howard and Bernadette’s house, Howard and Raj are installing a safety gate at the bottom of the stairs. Penny comes in from the kitchen to ask why they baby-proofed the liquor cabinet when Halley can’t reach it anyway. When Stuart inquires if Bernadette is still going crazy after being stuck on bed rest for two months, Howard mentions to amy that Bernadette has being keeping herself busy doing wedding research for them. After Amy says the code word, Sheldon is flustered and starts talking about pretzels at their wedding. To avoid further embarrassment, Sheldon decides to leave, only he can’t get out as the front door has also been baby-proofed.

When Sheldon and Amy arrive home, she wants to know what to do about her maid of honor. Sheldon says he has the same dilemma as his mother is pushing for his brother, Georgie, to be his best man. When Amy worries they won’t be able to make a decision without hurting somebody’s feelings, Sheldon says they should use empirical data to decide. They can devise tests which will show which of their friends is best suited for individual wedding positions. That way the data is making the difficult decision, not them.

In the apartment, the whole gang except for Bernadette sits down to eat dinner. When Penny asks Leonard to tell his friends his news, he explains he has started writing a book. When Howard notices they were given plain rice instead of fried rice, Sheldon suggests it constitutes a catering crisis, prompting Amy to wonder who will step up and handle it. Leonard is passive, saying it’s fine, but Howard phones up the restaurant and talks to them in Mandarin. Amy is impressed by how Howard stepped up and handled the situation. After Sheldon tells everybody eating he would like to make a toast, he says he can’t think of anything to say and asks if anyone else can.

Later that night, Penny arrives at Sheldon and Amy’s apartment with a sewing kit they asked for, and it only took her 1m 19s to get there. After Penny leaves, they get out a whiteboard and update her score on their leaderboard, putting Penny in the lead for maid of honor. When Sheldon wonders if they’re being old-fashioned by defining the wedding roles by gender, Amy says they are open to a Best Woman and Gentleman of Honor. They decide their next test is for loyalty.

In the university cafeteria, Amy tells Raj she has something to tell him about Howard, but he can’t let him know she told him. Raj says he doesn’t like to engage in gossip, though he’s already heard about Howard’s “special underwear”. Elsewhere, Sheldon takes Bernadette a tray of drink and food to her in bed. When Sheldon tells her he has a secret he needs to tell her, but she can’t say a word to anyone else - not even Howard, Bernadette is not bothered by that at all. After Sheldon reveals he controls the thermostat in Leonard’s apartment from his phone, turning it up slightly whenever Leonard makes him mad, Howard comes in and asks what they’re talking about. Sheldon is impressed when Bernadette “lies” to Howard and tells him they’re not talking about anything interesting.

Back in their apartment, Sheldon and Amy talk about their next test: getting to the ceremony on time. Sheldon rushes to Leonard’s apartment, asking him to drive him to the train store within the hour, but Leonard is not cooperative. Later, as Sheldon and Amy eat lunch, Sheldon uses his phone to turn up the thermostat in Leonard’s apartment slightly. The next test is to determine how well their friends know them. As Amy and Penny walk up the stairs of the building, Amy mentions talking to her favorite aunt. Penny knows her name and her medical conditions, impressing Amy.

As Amy and Sheldon lie in bed, Amy mentions that dealing with cold feet is an important part of being a best man or maid of honor, so maybe they should test for that ability. After Sheldon asks Amy if she really thinks she might get cold feet, Amy admits she was talking about him. Sheldon tells her if there’s one thing he’s sure of, it’s that she is right to be worried.

At the comic book store, Sheldon asks Howard about a limited edition Swamp Thing he’s had his eye on but is having second thoughts about purchasing. Howard doesn’t convince Sheldon to go through with the purchase. Meanwhile, back in Leonard and Penny’ apartment, Penny asks him what he’s doing. Leonard explains it’s a brain-teaser from Sheldon about seating people at a dinner table without anybody fighting. Penny says Amy gave her the same thing, though she threw it away without solving the challenge. When Howard and Raj arrive, they are bickering about the same brain teaser.

Leonard, Penny, Howard and Raj go over to Sheldon and Amy’s apartment and interrupt them as the update their leaderboard again. When they ask Sheldon and Amy if they are testing them to see who gets to be in their wedding, Sheldon admits the truth. Their friends are all so insulted they don’t want to be Sheldon’s best man or Amy’s maid of honor. Later, Sheldon goes to the comic book store. After he tells Stuart that none of his friends wants to be part of the wedding now, Stuart offers to be Sheldon’s best man.

In the university cafeteria, Leonard is still working on Sheldon’s brain teaser. When Sheldon comes to apologize, he tells them that to avoid any further drama he has picked Stuart as his best man. After his friends get angry that he picked someone else, Sheldon says he wouldn’t know how to decide between his close friends without data. Leonard tells him it’s his wedding, so he should just pick whoever he wants.

When Leonard arrives home from work, he tells Penny that Sheldon asked him to be his best man. Leonard tells Penny that Amy will come to her senses and ask her best friend to be maid of honor. Penny initially dismisses the idea she is “best” friends with Amy, as they’re not twelve years old, but she comes to realize that Amy is her best friend and she’s pissed that Amy didn’t want her for her maid of honor.

In Sheldon and Amy’s apartment, Howard tells Amy that Bernadette had no problems with what Amy did, so she still wants to be her maid of honor. When Penny comes over, she tells Amy she would be mad to pick anyone else as her maid of honor as they are best friends. Amy is thrilled that Penny admitted they are besties.

As the gang, minus Bernadette, eats in Howard and Bernadette’s living room, Leonard apologizes to Stuart for replacing him as best man. Howard admits he hasn’t plucked up the courage to tell Bernadette that she won’t be Amy’s maid of honor. Amy wonders whether she should do that for him, but she points out that as maid of honor it’s Penny’s job to make her life easier. Penny agrees to tell Bernadette if Howard will unlock the liquor cabinet first.