Howard: Don't just stand there. Slash and move, slash and move.
Leonard: Stay in formation.
Howard: Leonard, you've got one on your tail.
Leonard: That's all right. My tails prehensile, I'll swat him off.

Howard: Leonard, look out!
Leonard: Dammit man, we're dying here.
Sheldon: Goodbye, peasants.
Leonard: The bastard teleported.

Leonard: I just, I got your mail again, here.
Penny: Thank you. I've got to talk to that mailman.
Leonard: Oh no, that's probably not such a good idea. Civil servants have a documented propensity to, you know, snap.

Sheldon: Please don't tell me that your hopeless infatuation is devolving into pointless jealousy.
Leonard: No, I'm not jealous. I'm just a little concerned for her. I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Howard: Because he looked better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kinda dreamy.

Leslie Winkle: Hang on. I'm trying to see how long it takes a five hundred kilowatt oxygen iodine laser to heat up my cup o' noodles.
Leonard: Pfff, I've done it. About two seconds, 2.6 for minestrone.

Leslie Winkle: What sort of experiment would you propose?
Leonard: There is a generally accepted pattern in this area, I would pick you up, take you to a restaurant, then we would see a movie, probably a romantic comedy featuring the talents of Hugh Grant or Sandra Bullock.
Leslie Winkle: Interesting. And would you agree that the primary way we would evaluate either the success or failure of the date would be based on the bio-chemical reaction during the goodnight kiss.
Leonard: Heart rate, pheromones, etc, yes.

Leslie Winkle: Well, why don't we just stipulate that the date goes well and move to the key variable?
Leonard: You mean, kiss you now?
Leslie Winkle: Yes.
Leonard: Can you define the parameters of the kiss?
Leslie Winkle: Closed mouth but romantic. Mint?
Leonard: Thank you. (Takes mint). Shall I count down from three?
Leslie Winkle: No, I think it needs to be spontaneous.

Leslie Winkle: What do you think?
Leonard: You proposed the experiment, I think you should present your findings first.
Leslie Winkle: Fair enough. On the plus side, it was a good kiss, reasonable technique, no extraneous spittle. On the other hand, no arousal.
Leonard: None?
Leslie Winkle: None.
Leonard: Ah. Well, thank you for your time.
Leslie Winkle: Thank you.

Sheldon: Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you.
Leonard: I know what you're thinking. I've taken your asthma into account. There's a feline geneticist in San Diego who has developed the cutest little hypo-allergenic calicos.
Sheldon: Leonard, listen to me.
Leonard: I've been thinking about names. I'm kind of torn between Einstein, Newton and Sergeant Fuzzyboots.

Leonard: Good afternoon, Penny. So, hi, hey. Uh, I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Penny: Uh, do you mean dinner tonight?
Leonard: There is an inherent ambiguity in the word dinner. Technically it refers to the largest meal of the day whenever it is consumed, so, to clarify here, by dinner I mean supper.
Penny: Supper?
Leonard: Or dinner. I was thinking six thirty, if you can go, or a different time.

Penny: Uh, six thirty's great.
Leonard: Really? Great!
Penny: Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Leonard: Us guys?
Penny: You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj. Who else's coming?
Leonard: They ... might all be there. Or a subset of them might be there. Uh, algebraically speaking there are too many unknowns. For example Sheldon had Quizznos for lunch, sometimes he finds that filling, other times he doesn't. It's no fault of Quizznos, they have a varied menu.

Leonard: Great. Did we say a time?
Penny: Six thirty.
Leonard: And that's still good for you?
Penny: It's fine.
Leonard: Cos it's not carved in stone.
Penny: No, six thirtys great.
Leonard: I'll get my chisel.
Penny: Why?
Leonard: To ... carve the ... okay, I'll see you six thirty.

Leonard: By the way, if it should ever come up, you didn't join us because you stuffed yourself with a chicken carbonara sub at Quizznos.
Sheldon: Why would I join you?
Leonard: No reason.

Leonard: I mean, I'm a perfectly nice guy. There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe take a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common, "you love pottery? I love pottery!" You know, there's a pause, we both know what's happening. I lean in, we kiss, it's a little tentative at first but then I realise, she's kissing me back, and she's biting my lower lip. You know, she wants me, this thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! Oh God! Oh, my God!

Leonard: Give me the phone.
Sheldon: But I thought you wanted to cancel?
Leonard: I can't because if I don't show up she'll still be expecting you.
Sheldon: Why would she be expecting me?
Leonard: Stop asking me all these questions, I need to take another shower.