Mary Cooper: I remember one summer when he was thirteen, he made a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was going to provide free electricity for the whole town. Well, the only problem was he had no - what you call - fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the Internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down - real gentle - and told him it's against the law to have yellowcake uranium in a shed.

Mary Cooper: You don't hunt, do you?

Mary Cooper: It's called the Born Again Boat Ride. Christian Quarterly gave it their highest rating: five thorny crowns.

Mary Cooper: This is exciting. Back home, the diner on Route 4 serves sushi. But it's just cut up fish sticks and a side of Uncle Ben's. They put it on the menu in those Kung Fu letters but that don't make it sushi.

Mary Cooper: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don't say that either. I'll make you list.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.

Penny: Maybe a little Rodeo Drive.
Mary: Well, I can't spend $12,000 on a handbag. But it's free to look upon those that do with righteous condemnation.

Mary Cooper: Lord, Mary Cooper here, coming to you from Gomorrah, California.

Mary Cooper: Well, I would have to say when he was thirteen and he tried to build a nuclear reaction in the tool shed.
Sheldon: Ooh, this is a good one.
Mary Cooper: Now, the first thing you need to know about Shelly is, ever since he was a little boy, he was always concerned with the well-being of others. And he didn't think it was fair for people to pay for electricity, so he was gonna power the entire town for free.
Sheldon: Tell her about the uranium. Tell her about the uranium!
Mary Cooper: Oh, well! Well, this is adorable. When he arranged to get some yellow-cake from Chad, I thought he was talking about twinkies from one of his friends.
Sheldon: Yeah. But I wasn't, because I didn't have any friends.
Mary Cooper: No. It turns out this little scallywag was trying to use my Visa card to buy uranium from an African warlord in the country of Chad.

Mary Cooper: At least the bearded man I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, if you're trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain't changing my mind.

Mary: Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air and you pulverize 'em with a twelve gage shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.

Sheldon: That reminds me of another saying: You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken and I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: Please pester her? Please? For me.

Leonard: What did you think of the sushi?
Mary: It was good. The only thing that would have made it better is if it was cooked. And if it was beef.

Mary: Just because a cat's got kittens in the oven doesn't make 'em biscuits.

Mary Cooper: Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas we pray before we eat.
Sheldon: Aw, mom.
Mary Cooper: This is not California, land of the heathen.