Sheldon: What are they doing here?
Leonard: We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?
Sheldon: No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mary Cooper: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon: But evolution is not opinion, it's a fact.
Mary Cooper: And that is your opinion.

Leonard: You're talking like a crazy person.
Mary: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon: Told ya.
Mary Cooper: Although, I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

Mary Cooper: At least the bearded man I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.

Mary Cooper: I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words, "If it pleases your highness?"

Mary Cooper: Dr. Gablehouser, are you busy?
Dr. Gablehouser: Well, actually-
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, he's just doodlin'. Get in here.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, if you're trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain't changing my mind.

Mary Cooper: Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas we pray before we eat.
Sheldon: Aw, mom.
Mary Cooper: This is not California, land of the heathen.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, your friend is hurting. What do we do when someone's hurtin'?
Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.
Mary Cooper: And when they're drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer?
Sheldon: Coffee.
Mary Cooper: And what do we do it with?
*Sheldon smiles*

Penny: Maybe a little Rodeo Drive.
Mary: Well, I can't spend $12,000 on a handbag. But it's free to look upon those that do with righteous condemnation.

Mary: Back home, there's a woman works at the Walmart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake.

Sheldon: That reminds me of another saying: You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken and I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: Please pester her? Please? For me.

Mary Cooper: I'm so glad that you and I were able to bury the hatchet.
Beverly Hofstadter: Me, too. And I respect your right to your beliefs.
Mary Cooper: And I will pray for you.

Sheldon: That's preposterous. I'm not pining for anybody.
Mary Cooper: Oh, lamb chop. We can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it's creepy.

Mary: Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air and you pulverize 'em with a twelve gage shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.

Leonard: What did you think of the sushi?
Mary: It was good. Only thing - would have made it better if it was cooked - and if it was beef!