Mary Cooper: At least the bearded man I believe in preaches love and compassion. All yours talks about is why you hold in your poop and want to crawl back inside your mama.

Mary Cooper: I'm sorry, did I start that sentence with the words, "If it pleases your highness?"

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, if you're trying to prove me wrong, the tighty-whities on your head ain't changing my mind.

Penny: Maybe a little Rodeo Drive.
Mary: Well, I can't spend $12,000 on a handbag. But it's free to look upon those that do with righteous condemnation.

Mary Cooper: Hold your horses, young man. Here in Texas we pray before we eat.
Sheldon: Aw, mom.
Mary Cooper: This is not California, land of the heathen.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, your friend is hurting. What do we do when someone's hurtin'?
Sheldon: Offer them a hot beverage.
Mary Cooper: And when they're drunk as a skunk, what beverage do we offer?
Sheldon: Coffee.
Mary Cooper: And what do we do it with?
*Sheldon smiles*

Mary Cooper: Dr. Gablehouser, are you busy?
Dr. Gablehouser: Well, actually-
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, he's just doodlin'. Get in here.

Mary: Back home, there's a woman works at the Walmart. Tall, tall girl. Woman could hunt geese with a rake.

Sheldon: That reminds me of another saying: You can lead a chicken to Crisco, but you can't make your mother fry it.
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken and I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard: Please pester her? Please? For me.

Alfred Hofstadter: Well, on that note, there are many cultures that have an apocalyptic flood as part of their mythology.
Mary Cooper: I don't have a mythology. I have the unerring Word of God. But that's very interesting.
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh. I, I didn't mean to disparage your faith. Actually, I admire it.
Mary Cooper: Really?
Alfred Hofstadter: Yes. Yes, I'm an agnostic myself. But I have prayed many times to God, to turn my wife into a pillar of salt.
Mary Cooper: Well, He came close. Turned her into a giant block of ice.

Mary Cooper: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard: We don't say that either. I'll make you list.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.

Sheldon: That's preposterous. I'm not pining for anybody.
Mary Cooper: Oh, lamb chop. We can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it's creepy.

Mary Cooper: Raj is it? Still having trouble talking to the ladies? Because you know at our church we have a woman who's an amazing healer. Mainly she does crutch and wheelchair people. But I bet she'd be willing to take a shot at whatever third-world demon is running around inside of you.

Mary: Oh, it is a hoot and a half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air and you pulverize 'em with a twelve gage shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.

Leonard: What did you think of the sushi?
Mary: It was good. Only thing - would have made it better if it was cooked - and if it was beef!