Penny: Um, you know it's kinda early. Do you wanna maybe come in for some coffee or something?
Stuart: Oh gee, its a little late for coffee isn't it?
Penny: Aw, you think coffee means coffee. That is so sweet.

Sheldon: Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52, and is familiar with the re-establishment of the DC multiverse.
Penny: What's a multi-verse?
Sheldon: Get her out of here.

Wolowitz: According to Alicia's Facebook page, she's hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.
Penny: Dead whore on TV, live one in real life.

Penny: Leonard, and Howard, and Raj, they aren't like other guys. They're special.
Alicia: Okay, they're special, and?
Penny: Well let's see how can I explain this. Um. They don't know how to use their shields.
Alicia: Shields?
Penny: Yeah. You know like in Star Trek and you're in battle, and you raise the shields.
*Realizing what she said* Where the hell did that come from?

Penny: Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can't know that. How can you possibly know that? Penny: You know what? Anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.

Howard: I'll take the apartment upstairs. I can finally get away from my mother, and we can spend some more time together, if you catch my drift.
Penny: The horror.

Sheldon: Congratulations, I see you did your laundry.
Penny: Well, sort of.
Sheldon: How does one sort of-
Penny: I bought new clothes, okay?

Penny: Uh, hey, guys, guys, you will really appreciate this, I read the best science joke on the Internet. Alicia, you won't get it, but it's right up their alley. Anyway, so, this physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me." The owner then says, "Well, lots of single, beautiful women come in here every day, why don't you buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you?" And the physicist says, "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"
Leonard: It's a little insulting, don't you think?
Penny: How would I know? I'm not even sure I get it.

Penny: So, what do we got going on tonight, huh? Playing Halo watching Battlestar, drop some Mentos in Diet Coke?
Leonard: You want to watch Battlestar?
Penny: What can I say? I got my geek on, boys.

Penny: I cannot believe they're letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle's house in Orange County to pick up her TV?
Sheldon: You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.
Penny: Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I'm telling you, that girl is a user, ice-skating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn.

Penny: Since when do we offer one day rush?
Leonard: Amazon offers one day rush.
Penny: Yeah, but they don't have to glue the books together!

Sheldon: When I signed for this package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service, and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknoweldge receipt of the package so I'm fully indemnified and no longer liable.
Penny: Sheldon, it's just a box of rhinestones.
Sheldon: Well, the content are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
Penny: It means nothing to anybody.

Sheldon: Alright, let me put it this way. Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night's work.
Penny: You guys get started.
Leonard: What are you doing?
Penny: Going online to buy shoes!

Leonard: I can't believe we actually did it.
Howard: 1,000 friggin' Penny Blossoms.
Penny: I just want you guys to know I am really grateful for your help, and for every dollar I make, I'm going to give you 20 cents.
Howard: That's your entire profit margin.
Penny: Oh. Then never mind.

Penny: Hey Leonard, what's up with Dr Wackadoodle?