Leonard: So, how'd it go with Ramona last night?
Sheldon: Oh, great. She's smart, insightful and she has a very unique way of, you know, revering me.

Leslie: So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumbassery.
Ramona: There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.

Ramona: Dr. Cooper, I have to tell you, your friends are holding you back.
Sheldon: I prefer to think of it as I'm pulling them forward.

Sheldon: Studies are shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on a cell phone or drinking coffee while driving reduces ones reaction time by the same factors as ounce of alcohol.

Sheldon: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon: I was examining perturbutive amplitudes in N=4 supersymeteric theories leading to a re-examination of the ultraviolet properties of multiloop N=8 supergravity using modern twistor theory.

Sheldon: I'm clearly too evolved for driving.

Sheldon: We're gonna have to stop at Pottery Barn on our way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

Sheldon: Just because your career's been stagnant for a few years, that's no reason to give up.

Leonard: Didn't I tell you I'd be working nights and you'd have to make others arrangements?
Sheldon: You did.
Leonard: And?
Sheldon: I didn't.

Sheldon: How am I gonna get to work.
Leonard: Take the bus.
Sheldon: But I can't take the bus. They don't have seat belts. And they won't let you latch yourself to the seat with bungee chords.
Leonard: You tried to latch yourself to the seat with bungee chords?
Sheldon: I didn't try, I succeeded. For some reason, it alarmed the other passengers and I was asked to de-bus.

Sheldon: Your check-engine light is on.
Penny: Uh huh.
Sheldon: Typically, that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: It's fine. It's been on for like a month.
Sheldon: Well, actually that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: Sheldon, it's fine.
Sheldon: If it were fine, the light wouldn't be on. That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.
Penny: Maybe the light's broken.
Sheldon: Is there a check-the-check-engine-light light?

Sheldon: Oh God, not Euclid Avenue!

Sheldon: Maybe if I turn off the nightlight, I can keep the sheets.

Sheldon: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
DMV Worker: Look at that sign up there.
Sheldon: Yes?
DMV Worker: Does it say I give a damn?
Sheldon: No.
DMV Worker: That's because I don't.

DMV Worker: Here's your learner's permit. Go away.
Sheldon: But I'm not done. I have many additional concerns about these questions.
DMV Worker: Don't make me climb over this counter!