Leonard: Is this the stuff you want me to try on?
Penny: No this is the stuff I want you to throw out. Seriously, don't even give it to charity. You won't be helping anyone.

Sheldon: Just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't.

Leonard: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon: No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.

Howard: The monster truck is out of Austin, Texas, and the blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.
Sheldon: You may want to put on slacks.
Penny: What? Eww! Stop it! No! Leave me alone.
Leonard:Who's running the red Corvette?
Howard: That would be me!

Leonard: Oh, geez, does this suit really look that bad?
Sheldon: Forget your suit. Look at my arms flailing. I'm like a flamingo on Ritalin.

Leonard: Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Sheldon: Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor would suggest that someone threw it out.

Penny: Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned: "Me and My Girlfriend"?
Howard: Uh oh, here comes "The Talk"!
*Penny tries to blow up Howard's head.*

Sheldon: Look at me, look at me, I've got goosebumps.

Leonard: Are there any other honors that I've gotten that I don't know about? Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Sheldon: Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag co-efficient of tassles on flying carpets.

Leonard: You cannot blow up my head with your brain.
Sheldon: Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.

Howard: Gentlemen, I am now about to send a signal from this laptop through our local ISP racing down fiber optic cable at the of light to San Francisco bouncing off a satellite in geosynchronous orbit to Lisbon, Portugal, where the data packets will be handed off to submerged transatlantic cables terminating in Halifax, Nova Scotia and transferred across the continent via microwave relays back to our ISP and the external receiver attached to this...lamp.

Penny: What is this?
Leonard: Oh, careful. That's my original series Battlestar Galactica flight suit.
Penny: Oh, why didn't you wear it on Halloween?
Leonard: Because it's not a costume, it's a flight suit.

Leonard: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.

Sheldon: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body. Eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised. But that's something your Rabbi would have to discuss with the manufacturers.
Sheldon: Not to mention you'd have to power down on Saturdays.

Leonard: Okay, if I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out?
Sheldon: Because I have no interest in standing in the Rose Room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers, who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech. Which, if I were there, it would be.

Penny: So you and Leonard-
Sheldon: Oh dear God.
Penny: Little misunderstanding, huh?
Sheldon: A little misunder- Galileo and the Pope had a little misunderstanding.

Penny: Is this your only tie?
Leonard: Ah. Technically yes, but, if you'll notice, it's reversible. So it works as two.
Penny: Oh, sweetie, I don't think it even works as one.

Leonard: Okay, I'm going ask you one more time. We did the work together, let's present the paper together.
Sheldon: And I'm telling you for the last time, it's pandering, it's undignified, and bite me.

Leonard: A joke. Okay. How about this, um, okay, uh there's this farmer, and he has these chickens, but they won't lay any eggs. So, he calls a physicist to help. The physicist then does some calculations, and he says, um, I have a solution, but it only works with spherical chickens in a vacuum.

Leonard: Kandor was the Capital city of the planet, Krypton. It was miniaturized by Brainiac before Krypton exploded and then rescued by Superman.
Penny: Oh, nice!
Leonard: It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.

Sheldon: As I have explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds. No offense.
Leonard: Really, so why did you come?
Sheldon: Because I knew you’d screw this up.
Leonard: I didn't screw it up.
Sheldon: Oh, please. I admit, that spherical chicken joke, that was hilarious. But it was straight downhill from there.

Sheldon: Were you trying to impress Penny?
Leonard: No, no not at all. ... A little bit.
Sheldon: How'd that work out for you?
Penny: (entering the apartment) Leonard, ready to go?
Sheldon: Libido 1, Truth 0.

Leonard: Excuse me, I designed the experiment that proved the hypothesis.
Sheldon: It doesn't need proving.
Leonard: So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
Sheldon: They're not supposed to, but they should.

Leonard: Okay, let me put it this way, I'm doing it.
Sheldon: You can't. I'm the lead author.
Leonard: Oh, come on. The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
Sheldon: I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea. Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone. You're welcome.

Leonard: Sheldon, we have to do this.
Sheldon: No we don't. We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep ourselves from dying. Everything else is optional.

Penny: Anyway, I was talking to Leonard this morning and I think he feels really bad about it.
Sheldon: Huh.
Penny: Well, how do you feel?
Sheldon: I don't understand the question.
Penny: Well I'm just asking if it's difficult to be fighting with your best friend.
Sheldon: Oh. I hadn't thought about it like that. I wonder if I've been experiencing physiological manifestations of some sort of unconscious emotional turmoil.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon: I couldn't poop this morning.

Howard: I don't know, Sheldon, those topical conferences on Bowes-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
Leonard: Forget the parties.
Howard: Forget the parties!? What a nerd!

Sheldon: If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is!
Leonard: So, you admit that it's our work!
Sheldon: No, once again I'm throwing you a bone. And once again, you are welcome.
Howard: Oh no he didn't!

Penny: Here, why don't you put these on while I find a shirt and sport-coat to match.
Leonard: Great, be right back.
Penny: Well, where you going, just put them on.
Leonard: Here?
Penny: Oh, are you shy?
Leonard: No, I'm not shy.
Penny: Don't worry, I won't look.
Leonard: I know you won't look. Why would you look. There's nothing to see. Well, not nothing...
Penny: Sweetie, put the pants on.
Leonard: Putting them on.

Penny: Alright, moving on. Oh, wow, a paisley shirt.
Leonard: Uh-huh, it goes with my corduroy suit.
Penny: If you mean it should end up in the same place then, I agree.

Penny: You should just talk to him, I'm sure you guys can work this out.
Sheldon: It's certainly preferable to my plan.
Penny: Which was?
Sheldon: A powerful laxative.

Penny: So, you know, isn't there maybe some way you and Sheldon could compromise on this whole presentation thing.
Leonard: No. No. Scientists do not compromise. Our minds are trained to synthesize facts and come to inarguable conclusions. Not to mention, Sheldon is batcrap crazy.

Raj: The only thing missing from that insult was "yo momma."
Howard: I've got one. Hey, Leonard, your momma's research methodology is so flawed-
Leonard: Shut up, Howard.