Sheldon: Hello, you all remember Tam, my best friend from high school.
Howard: Yeah.
Leonard: Of course.
Raj: How's it going?
Tam: Sheldon's been showing me and my son around. Now we know where all the clean bathrooms are.

Sheldon: You just remember the mnemonic: if it's number one, the library's fun, if it's number two, the basement's for you.

Sheldon: Uh, don't worry, Leonard, you're still my California best friend.
Leonard: Cool.
Sheldon: So, what do you want to do now? Go to the train store, go to the comic book store?
Tam: Actually, I have to grab my son and head to the airport. I was just about to call a cab.
Sheldon: Don't be silly, you don't have to call a cab. You're my oldest friend. Leonard will take you. Right, Leonard?
Leonard: Sure.

Leonard: Shall we?
Sheldon: Eh, eh, eh, hold on. I haven't seen Tam in 20 years, give me a chance to say good-bye. Bye. [Sheldon walks away]

Bernadette: Check it out, LeBron James posted a picture of me and him on Instagram.
Penny: I don't see you.
Bernadette: Look right behind him.
Penny: No.
Bernadette: Okay. You see that table just past his left shoulder? Now go back two more tables and over to the right.
Penny: All I see is a yellow smudge.
Bernadette: That's me!

Raj: What the hell did you two say to Anu?
Bernadette: Uh, whatever do you mean?
Raj: Why, why would you tell her I wear ladies' deodorant?
Penny: Uh, because you're a boy and it's really funny.
Raj: Oh, oh, okay. Pardon me for having the confidence to smell daisy-fresh.

Amy: Oh. You got an e-mail from someone named Tam.
Sheldon: Tam? What does he want?
Amy: Uh, looks like he's coming to give his son a tour of Caltech. He's hoping you guys can meet up.
Sheldon: (scoffs) He would like that, wouldn't he?
Amy: Well, that is the gist of the e-mail.

Bernadette: So, are you actually engaged to this woman you just met?
Raj: Yeah.
Penny: Tell us the truth. Did she get you pregnant?

Penny: Hi. We're Raj's friends. I'm Penny. This is Bernadette. We just came by to introduce ourselves.
Anu: So you came to check me out?
Penny: She's smart. I like her.

Penny: We just want to see if we could take you to dinner and get to know you a bit.
Anu: That sounds nice. How about tonight after work? Maybe we can go to Bavel.
Penny: Oh, I wish. That place is impossible to get into.
Anu: Oh, please. Getting into impossible places is my superpower.
Bernadette: Me, too. I can fit my whole body in our dryer.

Leonard: What is going on with you?
Sheldon: I don't want to talk about it.
Leonard: Well, I'm sure you have a perfectly stupid reason.
Sheldon: I don't do anything for a stupid reason. Except, perhaps, Talk Like a Pirate Day, and I'd argue that's more whimsical than stupid.

Leonard: Be careful, Sheldon. I don't think you can afford to lose a second best friend.
I don't see anyone lining up to be your third.
Sheldon: D- Wait. [typing] "Snarky comebacks" Oh, here we go. "You have your entire life to be a jerk, why not take today off?" That was harsh, but he was asking for it.

Anu: So, what do you want to know?
Bernadette: Well, you seem like a smart, successful woman, why would you want to marry someone you just met?
Anu: Fair question. In my 20s, I tried this the normal way. You know, met a guy, fell in love, we moved in together. I put him through culinary school, screenwriting classes, and finally dumped him when he wanted to become a midwife. Then I realized, my parents are happy; they had an arranged marriage. Why am I fighting this?

Bernadette: So what is the craziest request anyone's ever made?
Anu: Oh, you know, I can't really say. Concierge-guest confidentiality.
Penny: Really, that's a thing?
Anu: (laughs) No. This one time, I had to go to Walmart at 3:00 a.m. because Britney Spears needed to blow bubbles.
Bernadette: Oh. That is so cool. By the way, do not tell Raj that you met Britney Spears, because he will literally die.

Anu: We've been talking so much about me, tell me about Raj.
Penny: Okay, are you trying to get us drunk so we'll dish on our friend?
Bernadette: 'Cause it's totally gonna work, what do you want to know?