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Quotes from ‘The Paintball Scattering’

The Paintball Scattering

The Paintball Scattering
Season 12, Episode 11 - Aired January 3, 2019

Penny and Leonard organize a paintball game that results in mayhem when Sheldon is jealous of Amy. Also, Koothrappali catches Anu with her ex-boyfriend, and Stuart doesn’t want to move in with Denise.

Quote from Sheldon

President Siebert: Well, this is nice. Why have we waited so long to do this?
Sheldon: Because you never invited us.
President Siebert: Ha-ha-ha! Well, the important thing is you're here now, and we're so excited about your work. This paper's going to do big things for all of us, so if there's anything that you need You know, actually, I could use some barbecue sauce for my tots. Oh, wait. No. Ketchup.
President Siebert: Can we have some barbecue sauce and ketchup over here?
Sheldon: Both? So this is how the other half lives.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Now, wait, wait, are you trying to exclude me?
President Siebert: Look, Sheldon, you're a brilliant man, but your people skills are-
Sheldon: This is not barbecue sauce! This is steak sauce! What are you trying to pull?
President Siebert: Like that.
Sheldon: This is ridiculous. It is my work, too, and I am perfectly capable of keeping it together for an interview.
President Siebert: Okay. Say somebody asks if you feel your work is derivative of the work of Professor Joseph Polchinski.
[Sheldon's face starts twitching violently]
Amy: Seriously, can we get this man some barbecue sauce!?

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: Would you mind stocking these?
Denise: Actually, I'm not on the clock today. I'm just hanging out with my boyfriend.
Stuart: Ah, cool. Huh. That's me, right?
Denise: Oh, I forgot to tell you, I broke up with you, and now I'm dating that guy.
Stuart: I know you're joking, but my flight-or-flight response doesn't.
Denise: Isn't it fight-or-flight?
Stuart: Not for me.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: What is up with you two?
Stuart: Well, it's kind of hard to explain. Uh, you know when things are going great, but you worry that any minute you might screw everything up?
Penny: No.
Leonard: Yes. If you really like her, you can't let fear get in the way. You have to move forward.
Stuart: And at a certain point, the fear of losing her goes away?
Leonard: I will let you know.

Quote from Sheldon

Interviewer: I'm about to start recording. Are you guys ready?
Amy: Sheldon, are you ready?
Sheldon: Absolutely.
Interviewer: Great. So, Dr. Cooper, my first question is for you.
Sheldon: Oh, goody.
Interviewer: Would you say that your paper is an extension of the work of Professor Joseph Polchinski?
Sheldon: ... I'll be in the car.

Quote from Sheldon

Penny: Champagne, a champagne, a champagne with a packet of Splenda in it.
Sheldon: You know what I call this drink?
Penny: A waste of champagne?
Sheldon: No. A Dr. Cooper. Because-
Amy: He's also sweet and bubbly.
Leonard: All right.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: A toast to Sheldon and Amy and the publication of your super-asymmetry paper. We are so proud of you guys. Cheers.
Amy: Thanks.
Sheldon: Ooh! That is PhD-licious.

Quote from Raj

Leonard: Hey, Penny and I were thinking of getting a big paintball game together.
Howard: Oh, Leonard, why does she want to shoot you?
Leonard: She doesn't want to shoot me.
Raj: Who doesn't want to shoot you?
Leonard: Penny.
Raj: No, that doesn't sound right.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: She just wants to play paintball. It combines my love of whimsy with her love of making grown men cry.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Sounds fun. Bernadette and I are in.
Raj: You don't need to ask her?
Howard: No. I've been pretty annoying lately. She's gonna want to shoot me.

Quote from Sheldon

President Siebert: You should join me in my private dining room. Dr. Fowler is already there.
Sheldon: Can I bring my friends?
President Siebert: No.
Sheldon: Can I bring my tater tots?
President Siebert: Yes.
Sheldon: All right, let's go.

Quote from Amy

Amy: Sheldon, look at my fruit plate. It's got kiwi on it.
Sheldon: Ugh. I don't like kiwi.
Amy: Neither do I, but it's so fancy.

President Siebert: I just want you to know that you have our full support, and we're organizing a big media push. Articles. Interviews.
Amy: Oh, you want us to do interviews?
President Siebert: Well, we're thinking a divide-and-conquer approach here, where you do the interviews, and Sheldon stays here and holds down the fort. You know, in case there's an emergency.
Sheldon: What kind of an emergency would there be in physics?
President Siebert: I don't know, maybe there's an object in motion that won't stay in motion. Or a reaction that's equal but not opposite.

Quote from Raj

Anu: So I told my mom she just needed to back off. This is our wedding, and if anyone's gonna design the floral arrangements, it's going to be my man.
Raj: Thank you. I mean, I'm not trying to be a groomzilla, but this is my specialty.

Quote from Raj

Anu: Someone texting you?
Raj: Uh, no. It's just my, uh, doorbell camera.
Anu: Oh. I got one of those for my place, but I never installed it.
Raj: Oh, it's easy. I can do it for you. You're gonna love it. It's how I found out a raccoon was stealing my cheese-of-the-month club.
Anu: What did you do?
Raj: Nothing. I didn't want to piss it off. It was, like, huge from eating all the cheese.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Sheldon, I'm nervous, and I wish you were coming with me.
Sheldon: If it helps, I wrote up some possible questions and answers for you.
Amy: "Whom do you love more, "Sheldon the scientist or Sheldon the man? Answer: Sheldon the scientist, but by such a slim margin that it's statistically insignificant." Well, you really managed to capture my voice.

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: Really? She asked you to move in with her?
Stuart: Yeah, she was hinting around about it, but I think I handled it pretty well.
Raj: "Pretty well"? You ran out of there so fast, if it was a cartoon, there would have been a Stuart-shaped hole in the wall.

Quote from Sheldon

President Siebert: And that headline,"The Neurobiologist Who Revolutionized Physics".
Sheldon: I'm sorry. The who who did what to, huh?

Quote from Penny

Penny: All right, I take Bernadette.
Howard: Really? You're picking her over me?
Penny: Yeah, 'cause she's vicious and can hide behind a mushroom.

Quote from Howard

Denise: Okay, guys, we need some people to stay here and guard the flag and some people to move out and try to capture theirs.
Leonard: Okay. Sheldon, do you want to stay here and?
Sheldon: What? Hold down the fort? 'Cause that's all I'm good for. Is that what you were going to say?
Amy: You know that's not what he meant.
Sheldon: Oh, why don't you go out there? Maybe you'll be the neurobiologist who revolutionizes paintball.
Amy: Stop it. You're being ridiculous.
Sheldon: Am I? Maybe it's just my poor people skills.
Amy: Oh, it's definitely your poor people skills.
Howard: All right, the choices are get shot at or stay here and listen to them fight.
Leonard, Denise and Howard: Shot at.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: Ow. I'm hit. Ow. I said I was hit.
Denise: Sorry.
Stuart: Ow. Why do you keep shooting me?
Denise: Why don't you want to move in with me?
Stuart: I-I didn't say I didn't want to.
Denise: No, you just ran away. Stuart? Stuart?! Did you run away again?
Stuart: [in the distance] No.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: I can't believe you're taking this out on me. I was just trying to get publicity for our paper.
Sheldon: By making it seem like it was your idea?
Amy: I didn't write the headline, Sheldon. Did you even read the article? Because I talk about you continuously.
Sheldon: I know, and it just made you sound modest and charming.
Amy: Why can't you just be proud of me?
Sheldon: I am proud of you.
Amy: Really? Because you sound jealous.
Sheldon: Well, I'm that, too. I've seen Inside Out. I know I can feel two things at once.
[Bernadette fires at them]
Amy: Ow!
Sheldon: Ow! Well now I feel three things.

Quote from Stuart

Denise: That's a lot of bruises.
Stuart: Yeah, well, you shot me a lot of times. That's not even counting the bruises on the inside.
Denise: 'Cause I hurt your feelings?
Stuart: Let's hope that's all it is.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: Ah, look, I'm sorry that I freaked out. It's just that things are going so good with us, and I'm afraid that if we go too fast, I am gonna mess it up.
Denise: I get that. I don't want to mess things up, either.
Stuart: Um, I got you something. It's a key to my place to show you that I'm serious.
Denise: Thank you. Mm. Well, isn't this technically a key to Howard and Bernadette's place?
Stuart: Yes, so don't ever use it or let them know that you have it.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: So, have you guys gotten any feedback yet?
Amy: Well, there are some comments online, but we haven't read them. We decided we don't care what people say about our work.
Penny: Good for you. People online can be so mean. I posted a picture of myself on Instagram, and some jerk said I looked so skinny I might disappear.
Leonard: And yet, somehow she soldiers on.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Although, Amy and I did give the world a gift. It would be nice to read some of the thank-you notes.
Leonard: I'm surprised you're interested in some stranger's opinion.
Sheldon: Well, as I always say, a stranger's just a friend who hasn't complimented me yet.

Quote from Leonard

Amy: Okay. I'll read them.
Leonard: If any of them accuse you of being too pretty, Penny can help you through it.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Okay, here's one from Dr. Saltzberg at UCLA.
Sheldon: Wait, no, stop. I don't want to know. What if he's mean?
Leonard: Well, what if he's complimentary?
Sheldon: I want to know.
Amy: Okay. He says-
Sheldon: I don't want to know.
Leonard: All right, just let me see it. Okay, this is this is really positive. Wow, it's, like, really positive. He says it might be the discovery of the decade.
Amy: He's right. They love it.
Sheldon: This is so exciting. Oh, this may be the Dr. Cooper talking, but pour me another Dr. Cooper.

President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: Ah, President Siebert.
President Siebert: What are you doing in the regular cafeteria? You're a superstar. No offense, worker bees.

Quote from Sheldon

President Siebert: Welcome to the inner sanctum.
Sheldon: Oh, I do love a good sanctum.

Quote from Penny

Amy: It sounds like you don't want Sheldon to do the interviews.
President Siebert: It's not that we don't want Sheldon to do the interviews, it's just that we really want you to do the interviews. Without Sheldon.

Leonard: Hey. We're doing a big paintball game on Saturday if you two want to join.
Denise: Oh, my roommate asked me to help her move out on Saturday.
Penny: Ugh. That sucks.
Denise: Sucks for her. I'm playing paintball.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: I didn't know your roommate was moving out.
Denise: Yeah. I've been looking for a new one, but so far no luck.
Penny: You hear that? She needs a roommate.
Stuart: (mumbling)
Denise: What do you think, Stuart?
Stuart: (mumbling): Uh, i-i-i, uh... Flight. Flight. [Stuart walks out]
Penny: That was hard to watch.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Okay, I need you to be honest with me. How do I look?
Sheldon: A little shorter, but as we age that happens to all of us.
Amy: Come on, help me out here. I've got a bunch of interviews today.
Sheldon: Well, no one'll notice. They never met you before.

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: Well, don't worry. I'm sure you're gonna do great.
Amy: Thank you. Okay, bye.
Sheldon: Wait, wait, wait. You forgot the cards.
Amy: Love you, too.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Was she mad?
Stuart: Uh, no. I talked to her after. She said she's fine.
Howard: Oh, no.
Raj: Yikes!
Bernadette: You'll find someone new.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: Everything okay?
Raj: Yeah, it's just Anu's doorbell camera. I helped her install it.
Bernadette: You can't look at it. That's spying.
Raj: Who the hell is this guy?
Bernadette: Ooh, let me see.

Quote from Howard

Howard: He's got bags. He's probably just delivering food.
Raj: Why is she hugging him?
Bernadette: Maybe she doesn't have tip money?
Raj: Wait, why is she inviting him into the house?
Howard: She's a good tipper?

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Do you ever feel guilty that we get to eat in the fancy dining room while our friends have to eat in the regular one?
Sheldon: Yes. Wait, did you say "guilty" or "happy"?
Amy: "Guilty."
Sheldon: Oh, then no. In fact, take a picture of me with the garlic knots to send them.

President Siebert: There's my MVP - Most Valuable Physicist.
Sheldon: Thank you.
President Siebert: And my star of NPR Science Friday and a potpourri of popular podcasts.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Oh, hey, how did your interview go?
Amy: Okay, I guess.
Penny: You don't sound very happy.
Sheldon: Oh, why wouldn't she be happy? She's the neurobiologist who revolutionized physics.
Penny: Sorry.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: All right, why don't you pick first?
Denise: Okay, um Leonard.
Leonard: Yeah?
Denise: No, I'm picking you.
Leonard: First? For a team? What is happening?

Quote from Stuart

Denise: Um, Sheldon.
Penny: Raj.
Denise: Amy.
Penny: I'll take Anu.
Denise: Howard.
Penny: All rightie.
Stuart: Come on, pick me, pick me.
Penny: I will take ... Stuart.
Stuart: Yes!

Quote from Raj

Anu: This is pretty exciting, sneaking around like this.
Raj: Oh, so you like sneaking around. Good to know.
Anu: What's that supposed to mean?
Raj: Nothing. Never mind. Let me see if the coast is clear.
Anu: See anybody?
Raj: Yes, I saw a strange man going into your house the other night!
Anu: What?
Raj: But out there, there's nobody.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Bang, you're out.
Penny: What?! I'm not out. You didn't even shoot me.
Leonard: I'm not gonna shoot you from right here. It's too close. It's gonna hurt.
Penny: Oh, come on. It's not gonna hurt that bad.
Leonard: I'm telling you, from this distance it's gonna- Ow! See? That hurt.
Penny: All right. Fine, you can shoot me.
Leonard: No, I'm not gonna shoot you. Ow!
Penny: Ow! Ow! Aah, you were right. We're way too close.
Leonard: See, I told you it's gonna hurt- Ow!

Quote from Stuart

Penny: Hey. Who shot you?
Stuart: Oh. Uh, oh Denise, uh, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise, Denise and me when I was running from Denise.

Quote from Raj

Raj: So you're still talking to your ex-boyfriend?
Anu: Yes, and I'm not gonna apologize for that. And you need to delete that app from your phone.
Raj: Because you're hiding something from me?
Anu: No, because you should trust me!
Raj: How can I trust you?! I barely even know you!
Anu: Then what are we doing? Why are we planning a wedding?
Raj: I don't know.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: I can't believe you shot me.
Howard: I can't believe I did, either.
Bernadette: Right in the chest.
Howard: Sorry. That's gonna leave a bruise.
Bernadette: Yeah, a big one.
Howard: Does it hurt?
Bernadette: A little. Want to kiss it and make it better?
Howard: I do.

Raj: Where are you going?
Anu: Home. Don't worry. I'll wave to the doorbell when I get there.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: We can take you. Come on, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Okay. But I should warn you, we're in a bit of a spat. At least I think we are. Amy, are we still in a spat?
Amy: Are you ready to apologize?
Sheldon: We are.

Quote from Stuart

Denise: Come here.
Stuart: Oh. Uh, no. I appreciate it, but seriously, this is all bruise.
Denise: Kiss?
Stuart: Gently. Ow.

Quote from Raj

Anu: This should be fun. I've never played before.
Raj: Oh, fair warning, it can get pretty ugly out there.
Anu: Okay, well, remember, I'm your fiancee.
Raj: Oh, I remember. Do you?

Anu: That was my ex-boyfriend. Some of his stuff was still at my house, and he stopped by to pick it up.
Raj: And did you give it to him? Did you give him his stuff?
Anu: If "stuff" means sex, then no. If "stuff" means his Waterpik, then yes.