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Quotes from ‘The Conference Valuation’

The Conference Valuation

The Conference Valuation
Season 12, Episode 17 - Aired March 7, 2019

When Penny and Bernadette go to a pharmaceutical convention in San Diego, Howard is left in charge of the kids and allows Sheldon to perform experiments with them.

Quote from Amy

Raj: Where are the kids?
Amy: Oh, Sheldon's helping Howard give them a bath.
Raj: Hmm. So you really think you can trick Sheldon into liking babies?
Amy: I slept with him. I married him. You want to bet against me?

Quote from Beverly Hofstadter

Leonard: Just tell me the truth, Mother. Was my whole childhood just one big experiment?
Beverly Hofstadter: Of course not, dear. It was thousands of small experiments.
Leonard: So that's all I was to you, a-a test subject?
Beverly Hofstadter: No, you were my baby and I found you fascinating.
Leonard: Really?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, watching you develop, tracking your progress. I know I'm not the warmest of parents, but it was time we spent together, and, honestly, those are some of my fondest memories.
Leonard: When did you stop?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, I can't tell you. The experiment isn't over.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: I love you.
Penny: I love you, too.
Leonard: And you're gonna do great. Just relax, stay out of your head, and try to enjoy it.
Penny: Aw. That reminds me of what I said to you the first time we slept together.
Leonard: I still use it. It's a mantra.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: Where are the kids?
Howard: I thought they were with you.
Stuart: What? No!
Howard: I'm kidding. They're at daycare.
Stuart: What about me makes you think my heart can handle that joke?

Quote from Amy

Raj: I never thought I would see Sheldon enjoying himself around babies so much.
Amy: Yeah, how about that?
Raj: So he just happened to stumble upon a book about experimenting with them the same day we were hanging out with Howard's kids?
Amy: Yep, don't overthink it.

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: It's so funny, we did all these experiments on them and they didn't even notice.
Amy: I know, I was worried it would be obvious, but it wasn't.

Quote from Amy

Sheldon: You know, spending time with Michael and Halley today really made me think about our future children.
Amy: Huh, what an interesting and completely unforeseen development.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Remember, I'm leaving you with two babies. I expect to see two babies when I get back, and they better be the same two babies because I'll know.

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: So, your convention is in San Diego, right?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. I need you to settle a bet for Amy and me.
Amy: I say, when it's not Comic-Con, no one will be dressed as superheroes.
Sheldon: Mm-hmm. And I say fewer people will be dressed as superheroes but still some.
Amy: A crazy person in a cape doesn't count.
Leonard: Mm, why not? It counts at Comic-Con.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Also, if you get a chance to sneak into Hall H, last year, I left my neck pillow under my seat. Uh, third row, second from the aisle.
Penny: I'll see what I can do.
Sheldon: Thank you. At least there will be one superhero in San Diego.

Quote from Raj

Raj: So, Leonard, what are you gonna do while Penny's away?
Leonard: I don't know. Maybe watch a movie with subtitles.
Sheldon: If you're looking for something outside the norm, I have invented a new chess variant where the bishops can also move like knights.
Raj: What do you call that, Bishops Be Crazy?
Sheldon: First of all, it would be "Bishops Are Crazy."
Raj: Not if you're being crazy.
Leonard: Checkmate.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Hey. You guys want to come hang out at my place this weekend?
Raj: So we can help you babysit?
Howard: Uh, it's not babysitting. They're my children.
Leonard: They're not our children.
Howard: Oh. Well, for you guys, then, it is babysitting.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: No offense, Howard, but I don't want to spend my weekend around your loud, sticky babies.
Howard: You can't insult my kids. I am offended.
Sheldon: No, you can't be. I said "no offense." That's like "no backsies" but for offense.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Oh, don't waste your time. His name is Danny. He works for one of the other drug companies.
Danny: Hey, nothing wrong with checking out the competition.
Bernadette: Aw, we don't see you as competition.
Danny: You should. Our anti-inflammatory is hitting the market this year, too.
Penny: Well, ours has zero drug interaction risk.
Danny: Yeah. So does an Altoid.
Bernadette: Speaking of Altoids, why don't you go get one?

Quote from Howard

Amy: You know, these experiments are pretty harmless. There's one where you just put the baby in front of a mirror and you watch them watch themselves.
Raj: That sounds adorable. Let me see.
Sheldon: How come when she talks about experiments on babies, you think it's adorable, but when I do it, everyone gets upset?
Leonard: I think I can speak for all of us. You're just creepy.
Howard: No offense.

Quote from Bernadette

Penny: Hey, I thought we weren't supposed to have our phones in the booth.
Bernadette: That's a "you" rule, not a "me" rule.

Quote from Leonard

Howard: Engage them for a minute and take note of their reactions.
Leonard: There's something familiar about all this.
Howard: Okay, go.
Sheldon: Hello, baby. Are you having a pleasant day?
Leonard: Oh, my G-- This is my entire childhood.
Sheldon: Leonard, Leonard, you're tainting my data.
Leonard: Uh, it's like word for word.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Oh, my God. At sleepaway camp my cabin was called "Control Group."

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Well, you were right, Amy. There were so many valuable experiments to perform on them during bath time.
Amy: You don't say.
Sheldon: I do. I tested their object permanence with a rubber duck, and we took a run at Archimedes water displacement, but that went right over their heads.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: I guess we should go and let Howard get them ready for bed.
Sheldon: Yeah. Do you think he'd let us come back and do some more?
Amy: Maybe we could take them to the park.
Sheldon: Smart. There'll be more babies. It's a bigger sample size.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: What are you thinking?
Sheldon: Well, I just can't decide. Either five sets of triplets or three sets of quintuplets. You know what? It doesn't matter as long as they're healthy. And divisible by three.

Quote from Penny

Penny: And the absence of side effects means that Inflaminex "can be taken in conjunction with other medications. It's a brand-new day. Such a good tagline, I forgot, who came up with that?
Karen: You did.
Penny: That's right, I did.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Okay, I know it's late and I've been working you guys really hard, so I have a little treat for you.
Darren: We get to go home?
Penny: No. You get to stay here and get vitamin B12 shots.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Oh, my God. You guys are still here?
Karen: We're happy to be here. It's a brand-new day.
Bernadette: It's 12:15, it's literally a brand-new day.

Quote from Bernadette

Penny: I just really want to be prepared for this conference.
Bernadette: You're gonna do great.
Penny: You really think so?
Bernadette: Of course. They're scared of you, you're scared of me. The system works.

Quote from Bernadette

Howard: I think I'm capable of babysitting.
Bernadette: Don't call it babysitting; they're your children. It's called parenting.
Howard: What's the difference?
Bernadette: You don't get paid.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Now, the emergency contacts are on the fridge and I left money for food on the table.
Howard: Oh, sounds like I do get paid.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Don't worry. I got this covered.
Bernadette: I know you do. Quick question, where are the kids right now?
Howard: They're upstairs.
Bernadette: They're at daycare.
Howard: They're at daycare?
Bernadette: They're upstairs!
Howard: Why are you messing with me?

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Wow. That's a lot of luggage for a weekend.
Penny: I know. I didn't know what to wear, so I brought a few options.
Leonard: Was one of the options the option to never come back?

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: Oh, thank goodness! I caught you before you left.
Penny: I'm just going for the weekend.
Leonard: Just the weekend. You all heard her say it.

Quote from Howard

Howard: What do you say? We'll play some board games. It'll be like a party.
Leonard: Three guys playing a board game doesn't sound like much of a party.
Howard: [chuckles] Someone doesn't remember college very well.

Quote from Bernadette

Penny: As opposed to the leading nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory, our product greatly reduces the risk of ulcers. So it won't burn a hole in your stomach.
Bernadette: And it won't burn a hole in your wallet, either!
Penny: Thank you. I got this. It's a brand new day!

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: See? You're doing great.
Penny: Yeah. Mediocre actress, great drug pusher. Who knew?

Quote from Penny

Penny: Okay. Let's everyone calm down. If you can't find a pill for that here, then you're not trying hard enough.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: I don't know what it is about that guy, but he just gets on my nerves.
Penny: Well, you scared the bad man away. Who's a good girl?

Quote from Raj

Howard: They're still asleep. Apparently, when I put someone down for a nap, they sleep hard.
Raj: That's a weird brag, Howard.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: I didn't think you were coming.
Sheldon: Um, I changed my mind. I thought it'd be fun to spend some time with your children. Where are the little scamps?
Howard: "Scamps"?
Sheldon: I'm sorry. Tykes. Rug rats. What is the PC term these days?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: We were in the bookstore, and I found this. "Experimenting with Babies: 50 Amazing Science Projects You Can Perform on Your Kid".
Raj: You can't experiment on his kids.
Sheldon: Yeah, you're not their father.
Howard: You can't experiment on my kids.
Sheldon: [sighs] Fine. Can I at least play a game with them? Perhaps "How Developed is Your Peripheral Vision"? [Leonard rolls his eyes] Mine's great. I saw that.

Quote from Howard

Raj: Hey, this one we can do with both Michael and Halley. It's called Grabby Hands.
Leonard: Wasn't that your nickname in high school?
Howard: No, it was Mama's Boy. But the joke was on them, because I love my mom.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: Okay, you know what, when they wake up, we can try one or two of these.
Sheldon: [gasps] Yay! [loudly] I said, "Yay!"

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Wow, we got a pretty good crowd here.
Penny: I know. But not as big as that booth. What's going on over there?
Bernadette: Yeah, that's Chantix. Ray Liotta's signing autographs until 2:00.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Hey, can I help you?
Kwame: Actually, I'm looking for the bathroom.
Penny: Ah, yes. It's right next to the laxative booth. Clever, right?

Quote from Penny

Danny: Is Dr. Rostenkowski around?
Penny: No, she stepped out for a call, although I wouldn't be surprised if she's in line to meet Ray Liotta.

Quote from Penny

Danny: Something tells me she's not crazy about me.
Penny: Yeah. Something tells me that, too, and it was her.

Quote from Penny

Danny: You've done a terrific job with Inflaminex. We're always on the lookout for great salespeople. I think we could make you happy.
Penny: Uh, thanks, but I'm pretty happy.
Karen: I could be more happy.
Penny: Tell it to your shrink, Karen.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Hey, Howie, everything okay?
Howard: Yeah, everything's great. I was just wondering if we had any large barbecue tongs.
Bernadette: Uh, bottom left drawer. Are you guys grilling?
Howard: Nope, just playing games with the kids.
Bernadette: Why do you need tongs?
Howard: Love you, too, bye.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Hey, you guys want to make this more interesting?
Sheldon: By establishing a double-blind protocol so we have a foundation to publish? Yes.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: So what did he want?
Penny: Nothing.
Karen: He offered her a job.
Bernadette: No one likes a tattletale, Karen. So, what's up, traitor?
Penny: Dammit, Karen.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: Okay, you want to engage the babies.
Sheldon: The subjects.
Howard: The babies.
Sheldon: Fine. The babies. Baby-A and Baby-B.

Quote from Sheldon

Raj: Sheldon, he's a baby. That's not how you talk to him, okay? Just watch. [cutesy] Hey. Halley. [baby talk] Who's your favorite uncle?
Halley: [giggles] Unka Koo.
Sheldon: I got a dud, let's switch.
Amy: Keep trying. It's for science.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Michael, you're making me look bad. Interact with me. [gasps] He grabbed my finger. Oh, he's smiling. I'm doing it.

Quote from Howard

Howard: That's time.
Sheldon: Oh, really? Can we do one more?
Howard: I think these guys need to get some food.
Sheldon: By pushing a lever at the end of an obstacle course that we design?
Howard: No, by opening the door to a hangar and letting the airplane fly in.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Although, Sheldon, maybe it could be an experiment.
Sheldon: Are you suggesting we color-code their food so we can examine their diapers later?
Amy: Sure.
Sheldon: These diapers are gonna be full of data.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: I can't believe you took his business card.
Penny: I can't believe we're still talking about this. He handed it to me. What was I supposed to do?
Bernadette: Hand it back to him and tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine.
Penny: You are not serious.
Bernadette: Serious as the hepatitis their cholesterol medication gave thousands of people.
Penny: Did it?
Bernadette: Maybe.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: Don't be so naive. They're our number one competitor. They have a rival drug coming out with a name I wish we thought of. Forsootha. It's got "soothe" right in it. How did we miss that?

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: I can't believe this is how you thank me.
Penny: I thanked you by thanking you. And I sent you that fancy box of pears.
Bernadette: What am I supposed to do with 20 pears? Have a pear party?

Quote from Penny

Danny: Zangen's a fine company. They got a couple of good drugs, but we control 60% of the market. Hell, commissions on just our fungal creams will put you in a new Mercedes.
Penny: Danny. Danny, look at me. Does this face sell fungal creams? No. This face is cholesterol drugs and above.
Danny: Playing hard to get, huh?
Penny: [laughs] No one's ever accused me of that before.

Quote from Penny

Danny: Look, why don't I just give you a number and see what you think?
Penny: Ooh, are-are you gonna write it on a napkin and slide it over to me?
Danny: No, I was just gonna say it.
Penny: Aw.
Danny: Do you want me to write it on a napkin and slide it over to you?
Penny: Yah.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: Danny, you rat bastard.
Danny: What? I'm just making your friend an offer.
Penny: Yeah, he's writing it on a napkin like in the movies.

Quote from Bernadette

Bernadette: That's not an offer. Do you know how amazing this girl is?
Penny: Aw. You think I'm amazing?
Bernadette: Stay out of this.

Quote from Penny

Bernadette: Not only is she a helluva salesperson, she's the hardest worker I've ever seen.
Danny: I know, that's why I'm trying to steal her from you.
Bernadette: Well, then you're gonna have to do a lot better than this, because I promise you, I'm not gonna let her go without a fight.
Penny: You do not want that, she's a biter.

Quote from Bernadette

Penny: Can I just see what he wrote on the napkin?
Bernadette: What napkin?

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: That's a lot of babies, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Oh, only for humans. For frogs, it's just a drop in the bucket.
Amy: Well, I'm sorry I'm not a frog.
Sheldon: Oh, don't feel bad, Amy. You're good enough for me.

Quote from Penny

Penny: I think things are going pretty good.
Bernadette: Are you aware that Dave's in the break room crying?
Penny: Yeah, I told him if he's gonna be a crybaby, go to the break room.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Bernadette thinks I have poor parenting skills.
Leonard: Maybe she's basing that on your poor husbanding skills.
Howard: Who can say? I'm bad at a lot of things.