Sheldon: How did you even get it in here?
Raj: That's for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus and Rodrigo to know and you to find out.

Raj: This is not over!

Sheldon: Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose.
Raj: Well, seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I'd say it's spot on.

Leonard: Why would you want a glow-in-the-dark ant farm?
Sheldon: They do some of their best work at night.

Howard: Would you have opened the door if you knew it was me?
Penny: Not since I found out the teddy bear you gave me had a webcam in it.

Sheldon: All right, I see what's going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.
Raj: Thank you.
Sheldon:Stand by for my upcoming tat.

Howard: I think I'm gonna take her to miniature golf.
Leonard: Ah, well, I guess for you guys that's like regular golf.
Howard: Short jokes? Really? You're like a quarter of an inch taller than me.
Leonard: Yeah, and don't you forget it.

Penny: Well, I'd ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays. And even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me. Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake. And Leonard's lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Leonard: Hang on a second. I could have the fruit platter.
Penny: You want the fruit platter?
Leonard: Does it have melon on it?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard: No, I can't eat melon.

Penny: Oh, Howard, heads up. Your ex-girlfriend just came in for her shift.
Leonard: When was the last time you saw her?
Howard: Oh, not since we broke up. Wow. How am I going to play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant? (Hides under the table)

Sheldon: Hello. I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj: It's one of his best moves.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard, have you seen my girdle?!
Howard: No, Ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: I can't find it, and I'm late for my Weight Watchers meeting!
Howard: Maybe it committed suicide!

Leonard: So you want to get back together with her, but you're too ashamed to face her because of whatever it is you did.
Howard: In a nutshell.
Leonard: Okay. Well, how about this? Kidnap Bernadette from the opera wearing a creepy mask so she doesn't know it's you.
Howard: Now, you see, I don't know if you're kidding or not.

Raj: You're being unreasonable. Why can't I have a desk?
Sheldon: Our collaboration is a work of the mind. We don't need desks.
Raj: You have a desk.
Sheldon: Correct.
Raj: But I can't have one.
Sheldon: You're two for two.

Leonard: Why can't he have a desk, Sheldon?
Sheldon: Oh, Lord, will this day never end? As I've explained repeatedly to Dr. Koothrappali, whose ability to comprehend the American idiom fails him when it's convenient, there's absolutely no money in my budget for additional office furniture.
Raj: Oh, but there's money for a drawer full of Red Vines, a marshmallow shooting rifle, and a super executive ant farm with glow-in-the-dark sand?
Sheldon: Yes.

Sheldon: All right, all right. He can buy his own desk.
Raj: And I can put it in your office?
Sheldon: Well, you really want to dot the Is and cross the Ts, don't you?