Howard: What, I'm not hot enough for Angelina Jolie?
Raj: Id like to weigh in here: No.

Sheldon: Good morning everyone and welcome to "Science and Society". I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD and ScD. OMG, right?

Amy: Are you in the lanthanide series?
Sheldon: Amy, it's Penny's turn. Penny.
Penny: Uh, I dunno. Are you food?
Sheldon: That's not a apropos! We've already established I'm found on the Periodic Table.
Penny: Well, it's a table, right? I mean, why can't there be food on it?
Sheldon: I knew she wasn't lead car material.

Sheldon: I need to sleep here tonight.
Raj: Why?
Sheldon: Howard is a total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
Raj: Okay, come in.

Sheldon: Radio contact is sufficient. No need to extend your middle finger.

Leonard: (To Raj) No, we don't want to watch Bridget Jones' Diary.

Amy: Travel makes me constipated so I am the ideal hotel roommate.

Sheldon: We have seven people and two cars. In the lead car, driven by Leonard, will be myself, Amy Farrah Fowler and Penny.
Amy: Yes! He had you in the other car, but I got you upgraded.
Penny: Yay.
Sheldon: She made the case that if we break down in the middle of nowhere, your Nebraska backwoods skills and brawny hands will give us the best chance to survive in the wild.
Penny: Brawny?
Leonard: They're bigger than mine.

Raj: These mimosas are kicking my little brown ass!

Sheldon: Raj! What are you doing?
Raj: *raises coffee cup*
Sheldon: I don't think so. You've already had your allotted 6 ounces. The next bathroom break isn't until the Denny's near Bakersfield, which is approximately 2 and a half hours away. Remember people, we're only as strong as our weakest bladder.

Howard: I just never figured that a guy like me going out with a girl like you would ever have to compete with a guy like that.
Bernadette: Wait a minute, "a girl like me"? What's that mean?
Howard: I'm-I'm--
Bernadette: Are you saying you don't think I'm hot enough to go out with a guy like Glenn?
Howard: No! No, I'm saying exactly the opposite.
Bernadette: I'm too hot to go out with a guy like Glenn?
Howard: Yeah, let's go with that.

Penny: Boy, this is great. I haven't had a vacation in ages.
Sheldon: In order to take a vacation, one first has to work.
Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept, don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat.
Amy: That does seem to be a valid principle.

Leonard: (To Raj) I'd like to kick your little brown ass.

Penny: Okay. So, the usual, with extra spit on Sheldon's hamburger.

Leonard: Yeah, that would be a little more like getting into dracula's coffin.

Howard: Hey, Bernie?
Bernadette: Yeah?
Howard: Please tell me he's your gay cousin.
Bernadette: No. He was one of my professors in college.
Howard: Oh! That's a relief.
Bernadette: Then we went out for a year.

Leonard: Maybe when you walk into a hotel room and you see a guy getting back together with his girlfriend, you should consider doing something other than crawling into the adjoining bed.
Raj: I did. You said no Bridget Jones.

Howard: That green bag is Dr. Cooper's. Here's an extra five. Make him wait.

Howard: I'm just thinking. If you had sex with that guy, I mean, there's nothing I can do here that will make any kind of ... impact.

Amy: So, girl talk?
Penny: Um, sure. What do you- what do you got in mind?
Amy: Do you subscribe to the Freudian theory of penis envy?
Penny: Um, I never really thought about it. Why?
Amy: Sometimes I think it might be nice to have one.
Penny: Really?
Amy: Not for sex, for convenience. You can't deny that, by comparison, our internal plumbing is extremely high maintenance.
Penny: Again, I've never given it much thought.
Amy: We have time now. Think about it.

Bernadette: Can I stay here tonight?
Penny: Yeah. Why, what happened?
Bernadette: Howard's a complete and total ass.
Penny: Oh, yeah, that. Come on in.

Bernadette: Thanks. I'll sleep on the floor.
Amy: Not necessary. Penny and I are perfectly comfortable sharing a bed.
Penny: We are?
Amy: Of course, we're best friends.
Penny: Oh, right, right, the blog.
Amy: Word of warning, though. I'm prone to night terrors, so if I wake up kicking and screaming, don't panic. Just pin me down and stroke my hair, and I'll be fine.

Sheldon: Please tell me you're not having coitus.
Penny: We are not having coitus.
Sheldon: Can you guarantee that it won't happen at any time during the night?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard: No.

Penny: I really appreciate you letting me stay here tonight.
Leonard: Sure, no problem.
Penny: I know it's kinda weird.
Leonard: True dat.
Penny: True dat?
Leonard: I've gotten a lot more street since we broke up.

Penny: Still mad at me about that?
Leonard: No. No, I understand. I got too intense, you had to back off.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard: I've gotten a lot better at that, you know. I've dated four different women since we broke up and I didn't tell any of them that I loved them and wanted to have their babies.
Penny: Good for you.

Bernadette: Sure. I think all branches of science have to move cautiously these days. It's not just giant nuclear weapons that can destroy the world. As a microbiologist, I can tell you even the tiniest organisms can still tear you a new one.
Howard: Interesting. I think what you might need to know about my colleague is that though she claims her field of interest is tiny organisms, she certainly has spent her fair share of time around what we can assume was pretty massive weaponry.
Bernadette: I think Mr. Wolowitz needs to keep in mind that the past is the past. But he should know that I am the kind of girl who could get all the giant missiles she wants.

Amy: Are we talking about women wanting penises? Because I'd like to weigh in.

Penny: I can't believe you let him kick me out of the car.
Howard: What could we do? He's the Travel Supervisor.

Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God?
Sheldon: Leonard...
Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted and he was threatening to filibuster. It's not technically Road Trip God, it's Travel Supervisor.
Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it.

Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone's attention, please? I know we're all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I'm sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it's just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo, and we're off.
Leonard: (To Penny) Don't worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.

Penny: You know, it is going to be difficult, but I'm going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my bestie.
Amy: Please don't touch my breasts.
Penny: I- I wasn't going to.
Amy: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.

Amy: Do you know anybody else who would appreciate an all-expense-paid spa weekend at a four-star resort in Big Sur?
Penny: No, I really - Im sorry, free what? Sorry, what, what?
Leonard: I think her weekend just opened up.

Amy: Shame. Since you're my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity.
Penny: I'm your best friend?
Amy: Don't you read my blog?
Penny: Oh, don't feel bad. I never read Leonard's, and I used to sleep with him.

Amy: Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?
Penny: Oh, gee, Amy, I'm sorry. I'm actually pretty busy this weekend.
Sheldon: Probably serving food that was ordered today.

Penny: Hey. So you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o'clock and order the same exact thing, and it's now 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who let the dogs out?" and, uh, "How are they hanging?"

Penny: Sweetie, let me put this in a way you'll understand. From the waist down, my shields are up.

Penny: Hey, can I stay here tonight?
Leonard: Shh, Sheldon's asleep. What's going on?
Penny: Well, Howard's a complete and total ass, Bernadette's in my bed, and no matter how much you stroke Amy's hair, she bites.

Penny: So, Amy, I've been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?
Amy: No, we discussed it. We decided we didn't want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.
Sheldon: Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone's toilet routine.

Penny: Wait, wait, just to be clear, when you guys say spa, does that mean the same thing as when regular people say it?
Leonard: Pretty much. Except we keep our shirts on in the sauna.

Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon: (To Leonard) You lied to me?