Bernadette: So, I was taking a shower this morning, and when I got out, I started to dry off with what I thought was a towel but turned out to be Howard's mom's underwear. I had to take another shower. It wasn't enough. Nothing will ever be enough.

Bernadette: She's just being nice.
Howard: Well, I'm her son, how come she doesn't send someone to check on me if I'm lonely.
Bernadette: Because you have a wife!
Howard: Yeah, well, sometimes you work late.

Howard: My arm is feeling numb. *Howard rubs his right arm*
Bernadette: That's the wrong arm for a heart-attack, doofus.
*Howard switches to his left arm*

Bernadette: You better find my husband's mother, 'cause one way or another we're walking out of this airport with a dead woman.

Leonard: I did a bad thing.
Sheldon: Does it affect me?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then suffer in silence.

Stephen Hawking: What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck.

Sheldon: Steven Hawking's a genius and he talks like a robot. It's everything I ever wanted in a friend.