The Grant Allocation Derivation Season 12, Episode 7 - Aired November 1, 2018
When Leonard is tasked with distributing extra grant money, he struggles with his desire to please everyone. Meanwhile, Bernadette seeks refuge in the backyard playhouse when she feels overwhelmed by work and family life.
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Director: Mark Cendrowski
- The title refers to President Siebert tasking Leonard with distributing grant money.
Leonard: So, I've narrowed it down to three worthwhile projects, but I only have the money to fund one of them. Lucky for you, I have a solution.
President Siebert: I can't wait.
Leonard: You free up more money and I fund all of them.
President Siebert: Mm, no.
Leonard: Or, hear me out, yes. That way, everybody's happy.
President Siebert: You can't make everybody happy.
Leonard: I think I can.
President Siebert: You can't.
Leonard: Well, actually-
President Siebert: You're making me unhappy.
Penny: What is going on with you?
Bernadette: It's not a big thing. Have you ever told Leonard a little white lie?
Penny: Mm. Well, he thinks I've seen every one of the Star Wars movies, but I've really only seen the one with the gold robot.
Bernadette: That could be any of them.
Sheldon: This reminds me of a traditional Amish barn raising. With everyone pitching in.
Howard: How exactly are you pitching in?
Sheldon: I don't hear anyone else giving facts about traditional Amish barn raising.
Leonard: The rest of us are pitching in with hammers and nails.
Sheldon: Well, facts are my nails, and my voice is the hammer which pounds them through the wood of your skull.
Penny: Well, that is how it feels.
President Siebert: So, there are some funds left in the general administrative grant, and I need somebody to decide how we should disburse them.
Leonard: Really? Wow, what an honor. Thank you. So how do I decide who gets the money?
President Siebert: How do you decide anything? Think about it with your brain, and then say it with your mouth.
Sheldon: All right, I've kept you in suspense long enough. "Dutch" is a bastardization of the word "Deutsch," meaning German.
Penny: What's German for "annoying"?
Sheldon: Nervig. Why do you ask?
In the backyard of Howard and Bernadette's house, the gang help to build a playhouse for Halley. Amy questions why Howard would want to hook it up with running water, but he explains it’s already got electricity and they’re overcompensating as parents for working a lot. Sheldon is not pitching in with his friends, instead regaling them with facts about Amish barn raisings. When Bernadette says she needs help taking care of the kids so she can finally get some work done, Raj volunteers even though he’ll miss out on Sheldon’s juicy tidbits about the Pennsylvania Dutch.
When Leonard goes to President Siebert’s office as requested, Siebert explains the university has some leftover grant money and he needs someone to decide how to allocate the funds. Leonard is honored to be trusted with this privilege, even if Siebert admits he was his fifth choice. Siebert makes clear he has absolutely no interest in hearing how Leonard ultimately decides to distribute the funds.
As they eat in the university cafeteria, Howard thanks Sheldon and Raj for helping out yesterday. When Leonard arrives with his lunch, Howard detects a little swagger in his step. As Leonard explains that Siebert has given him control of grant money, his friends are excited at the prospect of getting some of the windfall. Leonard vows he will be doing things by the book. Barry Kripke comes to find Leonard to ask that he’s given a fair shot at the grant money despite their troubled history.
When Bernadette arrives home, she can hear that Halley and Michael are being a handful for Howard. Bernadette backs away from the house and seeks refuge in the playhouse. In the comfort of the toy house, she phones Howard to say she’s going to be stuck at work for a while.
In the apartment, Leonard ends a phone conversation by firmly telling someone he will not reconsider their grant request for a koi pond. Penny is excited by this decisive side of Leonard. When Sheldon comes over to congratulate Leonard on how well he’s managing this grant money, Leonard wonders what he wants and says the answer is no. Sheldon claims he doesn’t want anything, until he remembers the frozen yogurt machine at work. Leonard instantly denies his request.
In Bernadette’s office, Penny mentions how she found Leonard denying things left and right sexy. When it appears that Bernadette’s not paying attention, Penny asks what’s going on. Bernadette admits she’s be lying about working late and hiding out in the playhouse. She says work’s been crazy and the minute she gets home she has two kids hanging on her, so the hour to herself in the playhouse makes her feel human again.
As Leonard goes to sit down in the cafeteria, Doctor Lee stops to ask if he’s had a chance to review her grant proposal for her behavioral study of crows. Leonard says he only has the money to fund one request, but hers is definitely in the running. He’s narrowed it down to three projects and one of them is Raj’s. Kripke worries that Leonard is just going to give the money to his friend, but Leonard assures him he’ll be fair. The three finalists demand to know who Leonard will pick. Leonard wants space to think and tells them he’ll decide when he’s ready. As they pester him to make a decision now, a stressed out Leonard storms out.
As Leonard struggles to choose between the final three applications, Penny arrives home excited to see take-charge Leonard. Unfortunately, she’s not as turned on by the indecisive and whiny Leonard fretting over the grant proposals. He’s sure there’s got to be a right decision based on empirical evidence and has made three lists of pros and cons, but he’s unsure which list to use. After Leonard asks Penny if he wants him to walk her through the complicated math behind the three scoring systems, she joins Bernadette in the playhouse.
When Leonard goes to President Siebert’s office, he proposes a solution to this difficult problem: free up more money and fund all the requests. Siebert quickly rejects the idea. Leonard says that way everyone will be happy, but Siebert insists you can’t please everyone. After Leonard asks what Siebert would do, he explains he would find some sap and put him in charge so he doesn’t have to be the bad guy.
As Penny leaves her apartment, she is confronted by Amy, who wants to know where she’s going. Amy accuses Penny and Bernadette of doing things without her. Penny claims she’s just running errands, but Amy notices her bag is full of wine. Penny comes clean and admits she and Bernadette have been hiding out in the playhouse, but says they didn’t mean to leave Amy out. After Amy says they really hurt her feelings, Penny asks what she can do to make it up to her. Later, Amy joins Penny and Bernadette in the playhouse.
Back in the apartment, Leonard is playing three dimensional chess with Sheldon. When Leonard loses, he admits he’s distracted by the grant decision. He says no matter who he gives the funds to, someone is going to be upset with him. Sheldon doesn’t see why Leonard cares if people are angry with him. Realizing he’s impervious to what people think of him, Leonard suggests that Sheldon make the decision and take the flak for him. Sheldon refuses, arguing this is a learning experience for Leonard.
In the playhouse with Penny and Amy, Bernadette is making quesadilla in the Easy-Bake oven. When Penny grabs one it’s hot and she screams, but Bernadette shushes her, eager to make sure they aren’t discovered. When they hear Raj and Howard get in the hot tub, Penny wonders what they’re going to do. Bernadette says they’ll just have to stay there until the guys go back inside. When Raj hears the ping of the Easy Bake oven, he tells Howard he thinks there’s someone in the playhouse. Howard admits he knows Bernadette has been hiding out there all week when she claimed to be at work. Howard thinks she deserves some downtime, so he’s just been pretending not to know.
As Leonard, Sheldon and Howard eat in the university cafeteria, Raj comes to ask Leonard why he didn’t pick his project. Leonard admits he didn’t choose any of the three finalists. He submitted his own proposal for a europium-laser and went with that instead. He realized he was going to have people angry with him either way, but this way he got a laser. Sheldon thinks it’s the most selfish thing Leonard’s ever done; he’s proud of him.
As Sheldon and Leonard walk to his car after work, they’re disturbed to see a crow sitting on the car. When two more crows with tags on their legs show up, Sheldon says not to make any sudden movements. After Leonard agrees, Sheldon runs back to the university building, telling the crows Leonard’s the one they want.