Howard: Sorry, it's just the director of the planetarium thought it'd be fun for me to join Raj for one of his shows, and he made it clear that he didn't want me to.
Bernadette: Of course he wouldn't want you to. I mean, think about it. If you were him, would you want to share the stage with a sexy-ass astronaut?
Howard: I don't know. How sexy are we talking?
Bernadette: Oh, you know, tight pants, huge biceps, magic hammer.
Howard: Wait, who are we talk-
Bernadette: Shh, I'm back in it.

Bernadette: Check it out, LeBron James posted a picture of me and him on Instagram.
Penny: I don't see you.
Bernadette: Look right behind him.
Penny: No.
Bernadette: Okay. You see that table just past his left shoulder? Now go back two more tables and over to the right.
Penny: All I see is a yellow smudge.
Bernadette: That's me!

Anu: [on the phone] Okay, I got you two seats to Hamilton tonight. Your tickets will be at the concierge desk. Of course. My pleasure. [to Bernadette and Penny] May I help you?
Bernadette: Yes, I'm here to pick up our Hamilton tickets.
Penny: Stop.

Penny: We just want to see if we could take you to dinner and get to know you a bit.
Anu: That sounds nice. How about tonight after work? Maybe we can go to Bavel.
Penny: Oh, I wish. That place is impossible to get into.
Anu: Oh, please. Getting into impossible places is my superpower.
Bernadette: Me, too. I can fit my whole body in our dryer.

Bernadette: So what is the craziest request anyone's ever made?
Anu: Oh, you know, I can't really say. Concierge-guest confidentiality.
Penny: Really, that's a thing?
Anu: (laughs) No. This one time, I had to go to Walmart at 3:00 a.m. because Britney Spears needed to blow bubbles.
Bernadette: Oh. That is so cool. By the way, do not tell Raj that you met Britney Spears, because he will literally die.

Anu: Come on.
Penny: There's really nothing to tell. Raj is so much fun to hang out with. He's like one of our girlfriends. And I mean that in a good way.
Bernadette: But also a bad way.

Anu: We've been talking so much about me, tell me about Raj.
Penny: Okay, are you trying to get us drunk so we'll dish on our friend?
Bernadette: 'Cause it's totally gonna work, what do you want to know?

Bernadette: Look, I think that's LeBron over there.
Penny: James?
Bernadette: No, LeBron Kershenbaum.

Penny: Ugh, God, now I feel bad.
Bernadette: I know. Maybe we should take her out again and do some damage control.
Penny: You know, that's a good idea. Think she can get us into SoHo House?
Bernadette: I don't know, but we owe it to Raj to try.

Bernadette: I'm pumping!
Penny: It's Penny.
Bernadette: Oh, come in.
Penny: I thought you were pumping.
Bernadette: I thought you were my boss.

Penny: Okay, listen, I'm really worried about this whole Raj thing.
Bernadette: I know, he's so desperate to get married, which is weird, because I can't imagine we make it look that great.
Penny: I know, right?

Anu: Anything else?
Penny: No.
Bernadette: No.
Penny: I mean, he takes baths with his dog, but not in a weird way.
Bernadette: Or a normal way; they both wear swimsuits.

Bernadette: Well, I could ask my dad. Maybe he can get some of his old cop buddies to do a background check on her.
Penny: Would he do that?
Bernadette: Of course. He's a retired cop who plays by his own rules. [on the phone] Hi, Daddy. No, everything's good. I just have a favor to ask. Yeah, so, my friend Raj is marrying this woman that he barely knows, and I wanted to see if you could use your connections to dig up any dirt on her. Uh-huh. Sure. Okay. Love you.
Penny: Is he in?
Bernadette: Absolutely not. He won't do it. It's totally illegal.
Penny: I thought you said he played by his own rules.
Bernadette: He does, but apparently, they're very similar to the actual rules.

Bernadette: She can get into any restaurant, but the best husband she can find is Raj?

Bernadette: The same thing happened to me. Penny said she didn't want kids, and I told her she was being silly, and she accused me of being condescending. Which is crazy, because if I wanted to be condescending, I would've said, "Ooh, 'condescending.' That's such a big word."