Howard: Hey, Ma, twinkle, twinkle, your little star is home. (Fails to open the door) Ma, the chain's on the door.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Howard? I thought I wasn't going to see you till tomorrow.
Howard: Yeah, well, Bernie's not feeling well. So I thought I'd stop by, tell you about the greatest adventure of my life, see if you can make me feel bad about it.
Mrs. Wolowitz: Uh, uh, okay. Hold on, I'm not decent.
Howard: All right. (Speaking to himself) Woman hasn't tied her robe in 20 years. Suddenly she's not decent?

Raj: Oh, my God, you're back. Oh, look at you. You, you look like you grew.
Howard: Yeah. The lack of gravity did decompress my spine, so I'm like an inch and a half taller. I'm going to the DMV tomorrow to get my license changed before I shrink back.

Raj: Oh, uh, come in, come in. Oh, I, uh, I didn't think I was going to get to see you until tomorrow.
Howard: Yeah, well, Bernadette's a little under the weather and my mom's kind of under my dentist.
Raj: Wait, your, your mother is sleeping with your dentist?
Howard: Former dentist. I need a new one now that I know where his hands have been.

Raj: So you're wandering all around by yourself? That's not the kind of hero's welcome an astronaut should come home to.
Howard: It's okay. You know, we space cowboys don't do what we do for glory and fame. We leave that to your rock stars and your athletes and your Howie Mandels.

Howard: (After leaving Raj and Stuart) At least my mother made her boyfriend climb out the window.

Bernadette: Hey, Howie, how you feeling?
Wolowitz: Better. Much better. The other astronauts held me down, gave me a shot. Oooh. Attention, people of Earth. Tonight, there will be two moons in the sky.
Bernadette: Howie, stop that. NASA's watching this! Put your pants back on!

Wolowitz: If I die, promise me you'll never have sex with another man.

Howard: I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?
Bernadette: Really, you're serious? Okay.
Howard: Oh, baby, you're killing me.

Howard: Well, remember the Soyuz capsule they were sending to bring us home?
Bernadette: Uh huh.
Howard: It's delayed. We're gonna be here for at least another week. Maybe ten days. It's the Russians, so you don't know. They left dogs up here in the sixties.

Bernadette: How you doing, Howie? You feeling a little better?
Howard: Oh, a lot better, thanks. One sec. Listen close, I don't have a lot of time. I need you to go to my house. In my bedroom, you'll find a model rocket. I want you to take it and bring it back to your place.
Bernadette: Okay.
Howard: Step two, build a version roughly fourteen stories high. Fill it full of rocket fuel and come get me. I'll leave the door unlocked.
Bernadette: Howie, honey, maybe you should talk to someone, let them know you're having a little anxiety.
Howard: No, no, I'm fine. No anxiety. We should probably talk in code. From now on, frog is me, sandwich means you and lemon means rocket. So, come on, sandwich, build me a lemon 'cause froggy wants to come home.

Howard: Hey, Bernie? Before you go, can you do something for me?
Bernadette: What do you want me to do?
Howard: Okay, here it is. I really miss gravity. Can you drop something so I can watch it fall?
Bernadette: Really, you're serious? Okay. (Drops a pencil)
Howard: Oh, baby, you're killing me.

Howard: I don't know how much longer I can take this. I can't sleep, and zero gravity is giving me crazy acid reflux. I'm down to my last three Tums.
Bernadette: You're going to be fine. You survived that Weight Watchers cruise with your mom. And they ran out of low-fat ice cream on day two. Just calm down and take a few deep breaths.
Howard: Okay, okay. What am I doing? I'm using up all the oxygen. If I die, promise you'll never have sex with another man.

Howard: The other astronauts are being mean to me.
Bernadette: What are they doing?
Howard: Well, like for instance, the other day when I was asleep, one of the guys went on a space walk and glued a big-eyed rubber alien mask to the outside of my window. When I woke up, I screamed for like nine minutes.
Bernadette: Oh, Howie.
Howard: You can see it if you want. It's on YouTube. Google astronaut screams for nine minutes.

Howard: Great, I'll do that when I want to be the first guy in space to get a wedgie.
Bernadette: Do you want me to call somebody at NASA?
Howard: No. My mom already tried that. It only made things worse.

Dimitri: What are you gonna do when you get back to Earth?
Wolowitz: Oh, I'm never going back.