Sheldon: I remember the song! It's called "Darlin'" by the Beach Boys! Oh, thank goodness! I'm not crazy! I don't have to take a pigeon as my bride!
Leonard: There goes our shot at him living on the roof.

Sheldon: This song is never going to stop. Have you ever dealt with something so relentlessly irritating?
Leonard: That's a trick question, right?

Penny: Can you please go talk to him?
Leonard: Come on, I take care of him all day long. You do it for once.
Penny: Once? Who got the gum out of his hair?
Leonard: What do you want, a medal? It was your gum.

Sheldon: Oh, I was always afraid this day would come. This might be the first step of my descent into madness, where I gradually test the limits of public nudity.
Penny: Public nudity?
Leonard: Eh, that just means going barefoot.

Sheldon: Well, they were no help at all.
Leonard: Which is crazy, since rock and roll is all about good customer service.

Leonard: Face it, you can't stump me. I am the king of husbands.
I know that you don't like the lingerie that I got you on Valentine's Day.
I know you hate the word "moist."
I know-
Penny: Hang on. Wait, wait. Why don't I like the lingerie you got me?
Leonard: Because it's orange and you think it makes you look like a slutty carrot.
Penny: Interesting. I never told you that.
Leonard: Sure you did.
Penny: No. I never told anyone that. But I did write it in my journal.
Leonard: (In a high-pitched voice) What? I didn't know you had a journal.
Penny: I also know your voice gets higher when you're lying.
Leonard: (In a deep voice) No, it doesn't.

Leonard: Next we need a teaspoon of pepper, which, I believe, was also the name of your childhood dog.

Leonard: You don't know your own husband's birthday.
Penny: Well you don't know everything about me.
Leonard: Your birthday is December 2, you grew up on Perkins Street, the last four digits of your social are 7-6-2-1, and the odds of me letting you forget this are zero.

Dave: OMG! Aren't you Leonard Hofstadter?
Leonard: Yeah.
Dave: I saw you speak at Stanford with Sheldon Cooper! Amy, can you believe it? It's Dr. Leonard Hofstadter!
Amy: No. Pinch me.
Dave: It's an absolute pleasure to meet you. Can I shake your hand?
Leonard: I don't know if you want to do that, I was just-
Okay, never mind.
Dave: Amy, I'm never washing this hand again.
Leonard: You really should.

Leonard: Can I see?
Penny: What, now you're interested? You didn't even want to come.
Leonard: I know, but you guys make being a crappy friend look fun.

Penny: I think it's so adorable you're making Sheldon breakfast.
Leonard: Well, he's having a rough time. Amy broke his heart, the DVR cut off the last minute of Doctor Who, that crow followed him home.

Penny: Aren't you worried you're making French toast on oatmeal day?
Leonard: Ah, well, what's this? A pot of oatmeal? Or, thanks to you, what I will now call "gloatmeal".
Penny: Oh, I don't want credit for that.

Penny: I can't believe Sheldon was gonna ask Amy to marry him.
Leonard: I know. I also can't believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it.

Leonard: How long have you known Adam?
Wil Wheaton: A few years.
Leonard: Mm-hmm. And what are you getting him back for?

Penny: Aw. When he says things like that, I just want to hug him and make everything better.
Leonard: My brother was mean to me, too. Yeah, you probably had it coming.