Leonard: Hey, Raj, if I had a nickel for every time a charity sent me a nickel.
Raj: ... That's hilarious!
Leonard: I know.

Raj: So, I folded, and I told Howard he could be a part of my planetarium show. And now I'm worried he's just gonna make the whole thing about himself.
Penny: So just tell him you changed your mind and you don't want him to do it.
Raj: No, no, then he's gonna think I'm too insecure to share the spotlight with him.
Leonard: And he'd be right.

Leonard: If I had a nickel for every time a charity sent me a nickel.
Penny: Really? That's gonna be our whole life, huh?
Leonard: If my father's any guide, around 50, I start to lose my hearing and get two new jokes.

Leonard: Sheldon, we've talked about this. You can't go around boring other people's wives.
Penny: Yeah. I already got a man for that.
Leonard: Yeah, you do.

Leonard: I still can't believe Sheldon had a best friend we've never heard about.
Raj: Ooh, somebody's jealous.
Leonard: I'm not jealous.
Howard: Leonard, this is a safe space. It's okay to be vulnerable.
Leonard: All I'm saying is you know the timing of a fellow's bowel movements, you don't think there's a lot left to discover.

Howard: Wow. I wonder what that guy could've done to make Sheldon not talk to him for 20 years.
Leonard: I wonder if it'd work a second time.

Amy: Hey, did you guys know that Sheldon had a best friend growing up named Tam?
Leonard: Was that the imaginary talking koala?
Amy: No. He's a real person who apparently betrayed him.
Leonard: Yeah, so did the koala.

Leonard: Are you gonna tell me where we're going? Because if it has the words "farmers" or "market" in it, I don't want to go.

Leonard: "How are you with pets?" Well, I did take care of Sheldon for 15 years, and he only bit me twice.

Leonard: Next question. Uh, "how close are you with your family?"
Penny: Pretty close.
Leonard: I'm gonna say not too close, but I'm hoping to get farther.

Leonard: He sent us that Indian marriage questionnaire.
Penny: Ooh, read one.
Leonard: Okay. "How religious are you?" That's easy, both of us: not at all.
Penny: No, I wouldn't say not at all. I mean, I am pretty spiritual. I do go to yoga, so...
Leonard: Great, so your church is Our Lady of the Stretchy Pants.

Penny: Wow, you really are good at this.
Leonard: Well, I've spent a lot of time painting D&D miniatures. I know that makes you want to rip my shirt off, but wait until your nails are dry.

Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, thank you again. We love the gift.
Leonard: Aw. [After Sheldon leaves] Does he know what it is?
Howard: No, not even close. He thinks it's a clue to a scavenger hunt.
Leonard: (laughs) So, so happy.

Penny: Well, 30 years from now, are you gonna hide from me because I'm so scary?
Leonard: Hey, I don't think you're scary. Yes, I flinch when you make sudden moves, but that says more about my childhood than you.
Penny: Aw.
*Penny goes to huge Leonard, he flinches and backs away. He recovers and hugs her.*

Leonard: Mrs. Fowler is an angry, vindictive woman, whereas you are warm and-and loving, quick to forgive.
Penny: Oh, please.
Leonard: I'm serious. And I'm nothing like Amy's dad. He's a mousy little man who can't stand up for himself.
*Penny stares at Leonard*
Leonard: My point is you're not like her, so we're not like them.