Bernadette: I think what we're all trying to say is that you don't seem to be remembering how traumatic the experience was for you.
Raj: Like how women often forget the pain of childbirth.
Mike Rostenkowski: Like a woman. Great analogy.

Mike: I know I'm hard on you, but you're not the worst son-in-law in the world.
Howard: Mike, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mike: Well, I'm drunk.

Mr. Rostenkowski: Walnut?
Howard: No, thank you. I'm allergic.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Oh, sure. My partner used to have that. He's dead now.
Howard: From nuts?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Nah, his wife shot him. But she was nuts, so in a way.

Mr. Rostenkowski: It's gonna be okay, son.
Howard: You really think so?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Of course. A pretty girl like Bernadette, she'll find a new guy.

Raj: First off, know that we love you and cherish you.
Mike Rostenkowski: Well, I wouldn't go -
Bernadette: Daddy.
Mike Rostenkowski: You're great.

Mike Rostenkowski: When I first met you, I didn't like you.
Howard: I'm aware of that, sir.
Mike Rostenkowski: But then you and I had some time together.
Howard: Uh-huh.
Mike Rostenkowski: It did not get better.
Howard: Right, right.
Mike Rostenkowski: That silly Beatle haircut and you riding around on a red Vespa, and you still living at home with your mother. To be honest, I thought Bernadette chose you to punish me. But then I heard about your astronaut thing, and I realized I judged you too fast. Maybe you are the right guy for my little girl.

Mike Rostenkowski: Bernie, you don't need to worry about me. But I don't want to see you miss out. Raising children was the most rewarding experience of my life.
Bernadette: Oh, please. Mom did everything. All you did was come home from work, sit on the couch and drink beer. How is that raising kids?
Mike Rostenkowski: This is really a conversation for husband and wife. I'm gonna go clean up, hit the road. If your mother asks, I was here till 10:00.

Howard: Hey, look! I found a seashell.
Mike Rostenkowski: Yeah, that's a rat skull.
Howard: (shrieks)
Mike Rostenkowski: Relax. There's enough droppings down here without you making more.

Mike Rostenkowski: So, why'd you agree to come?
Howard: 'Cause Bernadette made me.
Mike Rostenkowski: I tried to back out, too. My wife said I had to go.
Howard: Really? Your wife makes you do stuff? You're a big, scary cop.
Mike Rostenkowski: You're an astronaut, and your wife makes you do things, and she's only four feet tall.

Howard: So, how have you been?
Mike Rostenkowski: Fine.
Howard: Good. Fine is good. How you liking retirement?
Mike Rostenkowski: It's fine.
Howard: I'm sensing a theme.

Mike Rostenkowski: Last murder case before I retired. How many bodies do you see there? Careful, i's a trick question.
Howard: Im not sure.
Mike Rostenkowski: Nah, you'll never get it. It's a fraction.

Mr. Rostenkowski: Here you go.
Bernadette: "Here you go?" What am I, a football?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Like that guy could catch a football.

Howard: Oh boy, we're just married to a couple of ballbusters, huh, Mike?
Mike Rostenkowski: That's my wife and daughter you're talking about.
Howard: Great couple of gals.
Mike Rostenkowski: I wouldn't go that far.

Bernadette: Hi, dad.
Mike: Hi, honey.
Bernadette: Oh, you brought beer for everybody.
Mike: Uh, yeah, okay. It's for everybody.

Mike Rostenkowski: I've kept my marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
Leonard: Sure.
Mike Rostenkowski: I'm trying to watch the game. Shut up.