Sheldon: How about this one?
Amy: He's barely moving. He looks half dead.
Sheldon: I know. I like him too.

Sheldon: Do you want to say it?
Amy: Let's say it together.
Sheldon and Amy: We're getting a turtle!

Penny: This is why I've been saying we should keep champagne on ice.
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Amy: Yes.
Sheldon: That was tricky because when it comes to alcohol, she generally means business.

Amy: Acquiring a joint pet is a big step for us.
Sheldon: It's true. It means we care so much about each other, there's enough left over for an eight-ounce reptile.

Leonard: Why a turtle?
Sheldon: After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.
Amy: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.
Sheldon: And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.

Sheldon: Sheldor, back online.
Penny: What's AFK?
Sheldon: AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny: Oh, I see.
Sheldon: What does that stand for?
Penny: "Oh, I see"?
Sheldon: Yes, but what does it stand for?

Leonard: Why should I do something? You're the one who introduced her to online gaming.
Sheldon: Well, yes, but you're the one who said hello to her when she moved in. If you'd just simply restrained yourself, none of this would be happening.

Leonard: Why don't you just tell her to leave you alone?
Sheldon: I did. I told her, I texted her, I sent out a very emphatic Twitter. I even changed my Facebook status to Sheldon Cooper wishes Penny would leave him alone. I don't know what else to do.

Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?
Leonard: I'm sorry, that really is how it works.
Sheldon: You're tricking me. You tell me the truth. What do we get?
Leonard: Raj, help me out here.
Raj: You get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.
Sheldon: I knew it! PS3, definitely PS3. Who would pick a mountain bike?

Sheldon: I wanted a griffin.
Leonard: A griffin.
Sheldon: Yes, half eagle, half lion.
Leonard: And mythological.
Sheldon: Irrelevant. See, I was studying recombinant DNA technology and I was confident I could create one. But my parents were unwilling to secure the necessary eagle eggs and lion semen. Course my sister got swimming lessons when she wanted them.

Sheldon: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it would be more hygienic if they just had a plague infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

Sheldon: Excuse me. Thirty what, under thirty what, to watch what?
Raj: Thirty visionaries under thirty years of age to watch as they challenge the preconceptions of their field.
Sheldon: If I had a million guesses, I never would have gotten that.

Sheldon: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a "world's greatest dad" coffee mug, and frankly the man coasted until the day he died.

Agent Page: I just want to ask you a few questions about Howard Wolowitz.
Sheldon: Oh, all right. I doubt anyone would risk the stiff penalties for impersonating a federal officer just to ask questions about a minor league engineer with an unresolved Oedipal complex.

Sheldon: Now to business. Eighteen years ago, I sent the FBI Crime Lab samples from a bag of excrement that had been lit on fire on my front porch for fingerprinting and DNA analysis. Why haven't I heard back yet?
Agent Page: Well, the FBI Crime Lab does have a lot on its plate.
Sheldon: That's of little comfort to a nation attempting to scrape burning faeces off its shoes.