Sheldon: When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?
Penny: No. He blew up the death star. ... Why do I know this?

Amy: Watching your old friend?
Sheldon: Yes. Look at him, Amy. It's such a shame. Struck down in the prime of my life.

Sheldon: Oh, I'm not going to the funeral.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: All those people blowing their noses. You can't tell the sick from the sad.

Sheldon: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.
Amy: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you've seen a hundred times isn't?
Sheldon: If we were in a physical relationship, you've just lost sex tonight.

Sheldon: I'm working on the Star Wars day schedule. Now, I have a window built in, after Phantom Menace, for complaining. But I'm worried an hour won't be enough time.

Sheldon: What are you doing?
Leonard: Comforting you.
Sheldon: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren't.

Sheldon: Hello. I didn't expect you this evening.
Amy: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that?
Amy: *Opens coat to reveal school uniform*
Sheldon: Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don't know where you're going with this.

Psychic: Does she have dark hair?
Penny: Yes, yes. Your spirit guides are on fire!
Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.

Psychic: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon: Hah, the opposite. I'm a physicist and she's a neurobiologist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.

Sheldon: You know what this is? And I reserve this word for those instances when it's truly reserved. This is malarkey.

Sheldon: I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin. I'd just like to say there's absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means - and again, no insult intended - you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.

Sheldon: If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I'd follow Leonard on Instagram.

Sheldon: Oh, that's a lot of incense. ... Or somebody set a hippie on fire.

Penny: Come on, open it. I bet it says something great.
Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know there's a tiny chihuahua in there.

Penny: Fine, I'll go. *Reads fortune cookie* "People turn to you for guidance and wisdom." Hey, that's a good one.
Sheldon: No, it's not.
Penny: How's it not good?
Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly that cookie is mocking you. ... You'd never hear that sass from a nutterbutter.