Penny: Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend?
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weeny?

Raj: Hey, listen to this. Murder, cannibalism and satanic rituals are just a few of the thousand-plus horrors that await.
Howard: I just helped my mum out of the tub, so I'm one slippery horror ahead of you.

Raj: Why can't I be in a relationship with a girl who likes The Sound of Music?
Howard: Raj, you are the girl in the relationship who likes The Sound of Music.

Raj: You know when Cinnamon won't take her medicine. I hide it in a piece of cheese.
Howard: Good idea. We can wrap up the pill in cheese, feed it to Cinnamon and then my mom can eat Cinnamon.

Sheldon: I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin. I'd just like to say there's absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means - and again, no insult intended - you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle, and your livelihood is dependent on the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.

Sheldon: Oh, that's a lot of incense. ... Or somebody set a hippie on fire.

Raj: Okay. So in the last twenty minutes we've seen a crazy woman kissing a foetus in a jar. We've seen a guy cut in half and sown to a fish.
Howard: And the brutal dismemberment of a rotisserie chicken by my mother.

Sheldon: So we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon: Great. This is how Anything Can Happen Thursdays turns in to It Won't Stop Coming Out Friday.

Howard: Let me get this straight. So, he kills this girl's father, cuts off the guy's face, and is wearing it as a mask while he makes out with her.
Raj: I'm just gonna say it: that's not okay.

Amy: Did you lie to Howard about tonight?
Bernadette: Of course.
Amy: And you don't like feel guilty about it?
Bernadette: Between Penny's gorilla movie and Howard's gorilla mother, I had no choice.

Sheldon: Amy's sick.
Leonard: Aww, what's wrong with her?
Sheldon: Well, she talks a lot. Always wants to hold hands.
Leonard: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon: Well, if you were referring to her illness, your question should have been "What ails her?"
Leonard: What ails her?
Sheldon: Oh, who knows.

Leonard: It's Penny.
Amy: Is she mad?
Leonard: It doesn't seem like it. She got Sheldon to go to a psychic with her.
Amy: A psychic? He considers them not only mumbo-jumbo, but extra jumbo mumbo-jumbo.

Leonard: You and I never hang out like this. Why is that?
Amy: I know, it's weird, right?
Leonard: Yeah, we should do it more often.
Amy: Oh, no. I mean this is weird right now.

Leonard: Well, Penny can be very persuasive. She's gotten me to do a lot of things I wouldn't normally do.
Amy: Because she has sex with you.
Leonard: Yeah, she does.

Leonard: It took him a long time to get comfortable around me, too.
Amy: Really? What did you do?
Leonard: Something terrible in a former life? I don't know.

Sheldon: If I wanted to waste my time on nonsense, I'd follow Leonard on Instagram.

Sheldon: You know what this is? And I reserve this word for those instances when it's truly reserved. This is malarkey.

Penny: Wow, you really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the M-word before.

Penny: Fine, I'll go. *Reads fortune cookie* "People turn to you for guidance and wisdom." Hey, that's a good one.
Sheldon: No, it's not.
Penny: How's it not good?
Sheldon: Turn to you for wisdom? Clearly that cookie is mocking you. ... You'd never hear that sass from a nutterbutter.

Penny: Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these.
Sheldon: Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that's solves life's problems and that's an Oreo. Or a nutterbutter if you're in a pinch.

Penny: There's not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not close to the most disgusting person in there.

Penny: You know what, maybe I need a break from all of you. Come on, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Where are we going?
Penny: We're going to have Anything Can Happen Thursdays, you're going to tell me all about your science stuff and I'm going to complain about my movie, and we're going to support each other because that's what friends do.
Sheldon: Okay. Because if I had to pick now, I'd probably go with dark matter-
Penny: Shut. Up.

Sheldon: Amy, you told me you were sick. But you look as pale and tired as always.

Raj: Okay, let's get this over with. Eww, it's got someone's hair on it.
Howard: Oh, yeah. You're gonna do great with this movie.

Penny: So we're about to film this scene in the movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard: Okay.
Penny: But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So I ask the director and he says it's important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.

Penny: Why would they lie to us?
Sheldon: That's a good question.
*Sheldon knocks three times on the restaurant window* Amy and Bernadette! [x3]
Sheldon: Why did you lie to us?

Raj: You're a good friend. I'll owe you one.
Mrs. Wolowitz (off-screen): Howard, help me get out of the tub!
*Howard looks at Raj*
Raj: Not that one!

Psychic: Your spirit guides are telling me there's a woman in your life you're having problems with.
Sheldon: That's an easy guess. I'm clearly an annoying person. I have trouble with both genders.
Psychic: Yes, you clearly are.

Leonard: Great. What do you want to do?
Sheldon: I don't know. What do you want to do?
Penny: I don't know. What do you want to do?
Leonard: I'm starting to remember the problem with Anything Can Happen Thursdays.

Raj: Why does Emily like this stuff? Do you think there's something psychologically wrong with her?
Howard: What difference does it make?
Raj: What do you mean?
Howard: Come on, she could have a freezer full of ex-boyfriends' body parts and you'd still go out with her.
Raj: I do like that the ex-boyfriend's out of the picture.

Bernadette: I have to go. Penny ratted me out. FYI, she's getting you a watch for your birthday with money she took out of your wallet.

Penny: Come on. Anything can happen. We could push him down the stairs!

Sheldon: What can we do that's fun?
Leonard: What can we do that's different?
Penny: What can we do that's free?

Leonard: Hey, how about we bring back Anything Can Happen Thursdays?
Penny: That's good. Why'd you guys stop doing that?
Leonard: You made fun of us. Said it was stupid.
Penny: Yeah, sounds like me.

Psychic: Does she have dark hair?
Penny: Yes, yes. Your spirit guides are on fire!
Sheldon: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.

Psychic: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon: Hah, the opposite. I'm a physicist and she's a neurobiologist. My spirit guides can go suck an egg.

Psychic: He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does, all his other pursuits will come into focus.
Penny: Sheldon, you hear that? Amy is the key to your happiness.
Psychic: Exactly. Personally and professionally. Everything will fall into place once you commit to her.

Sheldon: Got it! There's a live action role playing group that meets every Thursday night in Griffith park, and re-enacts battles from Lord of the Rings.
Penny: Okay, tell me more about this calzone idea.

Leonard: You know what, why don't we just ease into this? Let's go for a walk and see if we find a new restaurant.
Sheldon: Any chance this restaurant is near Griffith Park? *Brings out a Lord of the Rings - Gandalf hat*
Leonard: No.

Penny: Read.
Sheldon: *Reading fortune cookie* "Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you."
Penny: Nope, try again.

Penny: Since you're paying for dinner, I'll let that slide.
Sheldon: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money.

Raj: You're a good son. I don't know how you do it.
Howard: Beach blankets, my friend. It's all about beach blankets.

Leonard: Thankfully, Penny and I have a relationship built around honesty.
*Amy and Bernadette chuckle*
Leonard: What? I don't lie to her.
Bernadette: Oh, we know you don't lie to her.

Raj: Here we go. Night of a Thousand Corpses.
Emily: Just so you know, I was a nanny for three years, so if you get scared I can totally change your diaper.

Sheldon: Hello. I didn't expect you this evening.
Amy: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night. I wanted to make it up to you.
Sheldon: And how do you propose to do that?
Amy: *Opens coat to reveal school uniform*
Sheldon: Unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don't know where you're going with this.

Penny: I don't understand why you're not upset with Amy.
Sheldon: I am. So much so that I'm going to bring her here for dinner on our next date night.

Sheldon: My mother would lock her car if she had to drive through his hodgepodge of ethnicity.

Sheldon: Got it. We order calzones, cut them open and eat them like pizza. ... All right, all right. I'll shake the brain bush one more time and see what falls out.

Sheldon: For your information, I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.
Penny: I can answer that one: I'll be bored.

Leonard: How about the Asian Fusion place?
Sheldon: Fusion and Asians? I'm trying not to think about science.

Penny: Come on, open it. I bet it says something great.
Sheldon: This is Asian fusion. For all you know there's a tiny chihuahua in there.