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Quotes from ‘The Conjugal Configuration’

The Conjugal Configuration

The Conjugal Configuration
Season 12, Episode 1 - Aired September 24, 2018

Sheldon's obsessive need to schedule everything leads to his and Amy's first argument as a married couple when they honeymoon in New York. Meanwhile, Leonard and Penny are disturbed to see similarities between their marriage and  Amy's parents' dysfunctional relationship, and Raj gets into a Twitter feud with astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Quote from Howard

Raj: Sounds like someone's in there.
Bernadette: My God, what if Sheldon and Amy are getting robbed?
Howard: Or worse, what if they're back early?

Quote from Penny

Penny: You know, you compared us to the strangest couple we know, and we know Amy and Sheldon, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his twitchy little dog.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: How's this for a compromise? Make all the schedules you want, just don't tell me about them.
Sheldon: Excellent. I'll create an algorithm that'll generate a pseudo-random schedule.
Yeah, and do you know why it won't be a true random schedule?
Amy: Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science.
Sheldon: Come with me.
Amy: Where are we going?
Sheldon: To the hotel room. And when we get there, I'm gonna need you to say that again, except naked.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Good morning, wife.
Amy: Good morning, husband. I can't believe we're actually married.
Sheldon: It's official. According to tradition, we should hang the bedsheets outside so the villagers can see that we consummated.
Amy: I don't think that that's appropriate, considering where we're starting our honeymoon.
Sheldon: Well, I suppose you're right. Although, when you think about it, Lego is the perfect metaphor for marital congress. Two pieces that interlock with a satisfying snap.
Amy: Oh, that's the sound you were making.

Quote from Leonard

Raj: Now it's happening to me. Ooh, I should probably make a list of all the scientific inaccuracies in Mamma Mia 2.
Penny: You're gonna go on live TV and admit you've seen that movie?
Raj: Hey, your husband's the one who took me.
Leonard: Meryl Streep and Cher? Yeah, I saw it.

Quote from Leonard

Howard: That was weird, right?
Leonard: Was it? I honestly can't tell anymore.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Really, Sheldon? You want to do it again?
Sheldon: Don't act surprised. It's clearly marked on the schedule. Now, shall we steam the wrinkles out of our wizard robes, or make vigorous, socially sanctioned love? Either way, I can check something off my to-do list.
Amy: [reading Sheldon's to-do list on his phone] Socially sanc-- Oh, wow. Yeah, there it is right there.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Uh, hurry. Raj is on next.
Penny: All right. I can't believe they canceled Vampire Diaries but they'll show this.
Leonard: This is the news.
Penny: And that was a woman torn between two hunky vampires. What is your point?

Quote from Leonard

Mrs. Fowler: Larry? I know you're in there!
Penny: Is that Amy's mom?
Mrs. Fowler: Let me in. (shouting) Let me in!
Leonard: Either that or the Big Bad Wolf.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: You know, I'm a little jet-laggy. Maybe we can revisit this in the morning.
Sheldon: Oh, no can do. If we miss tonight, it's not scheduled until Thursday at 6:00. And that'll have to be "no frills," 'cause we've got a 6:30 reservation at Benihana.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Really? Would it be so bad to mix it up a little?
Sheldon: Mix it up? Who are you, Betty Crocker?

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Poor Mr. Fowler, I really feel sorry for the little guy.
Penny: I know. After they had Amy, she should've just eaten him and been done with it.
Leonard: Look at you retaining facts from a nature show.

Quote from Sheldon

Tour Guide: And here we have the former hotel where Tesla perfected the three-phase alternating current motor.
Sheldon: That's wrong. I'm gonna say something.
Amy: Don't.
Sheldon: Well, then how will everyone know I'm the smartest boy here?

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I brought you two hot dogs.
Amy: Aren't you gonna eat one?
Sheldon: From a street cart? Are you crazy? I'm amazed that I'm holding them.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: You realize that I'm not a particularly physical person.
Amy: I know.
Sheldon: When I was little, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd always say, "A brain in a jar."
Amy: Sure.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm just worried that if I don't schedule our bedroom endeavors, then I may not think about them, and you'll grow cold and distant and seek solace in the arms of a heavily-muscled longshoreman.
Amy: Where would I find a longshoreman?
Sheldon: Along the shore. It's in the name.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Sheldon, I could never be with anybody but you.
Sheldon: That's good to know. I wouldn't want to fight a man who's brave enough to touch a fish.

Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Well, that was fun. Let's see who else needs a deGrasse kickin'.
Bill Nye: Bill Nye the Science Guy.
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Hey, Bill, Neil Tyson. We've got to talk.
*Bill Nye quickly hangs up the phone*

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, I almost forgot. While you were sleeping, I ordered room service.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Voila! You thought it was going to be food, didn't you?

Quote from Leonard

Raj: Is it nice having Sheldon and Amy away on their honeymoon?
Penny: Yeah, because now Leonard and I get all this alone time.
Raj: But you're not alone. We're here.
Penny: Yes. (sighs) Yes, you are.
Bernadette: Would you like us to leave so you and Leonard can talk about all the things you have in common?
Leonard: Ha, ha, she called your bluff.

Quote from Howard

Raj: So, something pretty cool happened. Channel 3 asked me to be on the news tomorrow night to talk about the meteor shower.
Leonard: Oh, that's great.
Penny: Hey-
Bernadette: Congratulations.
Howard: You know, that's how Neil deGrasse Tyson got his start. He went from the Hayden Planetarium to guesting on the local news to ruining everyone's favorite movies on the Internet.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: They're not; they just posted a picture in front of the Statue of Liberty.
Penny: Real or Lego?
Leonard: Lego.

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: So, what should we do? Should someone go check it out?
Raj: I would, but I got to be on TV tomorrow. Got to protect the money.

Penny: Oh, uh, Mr. Fowler. Sorry, we didn't know you were here. We actually thought someone was breaking in.
Raj: And we were ready to take them down.
Mr. Fowler: Amy asked me to water her plants.
Penny: She doesn't have any plants.
Mr. Fowler: Oh. Well, you caught me in a lie. Have a good day.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Hey, did you even see Mamma Mia 1?
Leonard: Didn't need to. The sequel stands on its own.

Quote from Sheldon

Bellman: If you need any recommendations while visiting New York, please don't hesitate to contact me.
Amy: Well, it is our honeymoon.
Sheldon: So we are going to be quite busy.
Bellman: Got it.
Amy: Harry Potter play, parts one and two.
Sheldon: And tomorrow, a tour of the sites where Nikola Tesla lived, worked and slowly went crazy. And, of course, coitus.
Bellman: Ah. Well, enjoy New York. And, I guess, coitus.

Quote from Penny

Mrs. Fowler: Larry, come on.
Leonard: I don't think he's in there. I mean, he came by to water the imaginary plants, but then he left.
Mrs. Fowler: You are so naive. Blondie here is gonna chew you up and spit you out.
Penny: Well, don't tell him.

Quote from Penny

Mrs. Fowler: Oh, he's in here. I can smell his Axe body spray.
Leonard: He wears Axe body spray.
Penny: You happy? You smell like Amy's dad.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Ooh, come on.
Leonard: Ah, shouldn't we mind our own business?
Penny: Wow, sometimes it's like you don't know me at all.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Man, that is one hot weather girl.
Howard: How come if I say that I get in trouble?
Bernadette: You want to say it? You can say it.
Howard: Nice try. You're gonna have to find some other way to not have sex with me tonight. And it's not weather girl, it's weather woman.

Quote from Raj

Sunny Morrow: And with us today to talk about the upcoming meteor shower and the best places to view it, Caltech astrophysicist Dr. Rajesh Koothrappali. Thank you for being here.
Raj: Thank you for having me. I guess Neil deGrasse Tyson was unavailable.
Sunny Morrow: (laughs) Yeah.
Raj: What do you mean, "yeah"?
Sunny Morrow: Not important. So, what can we expect to see from this meteor shower?
Raj: Well, I think you can count on a lot of flaming gas, which is what you would have gotten from your first choice, Neil deGrasse Tyson.

Quote from Raj

Sunny Morrow: Sounds like there's no love lost between you and Dr. Tyson.
Raj: Oh, no, I love Neil. I mean, not as much as Neil loves Neil, but who does, right?

Quote from Raj

Sunny Morrow: Oh, you know, I'm told we are out of time, (chuckles) having learned nothing about meteor showers and too much about Dr. Koothrappali.
Raj: Thank you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Do you know what I love about Broadway theater? It's so interactive.
Amy: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: You're so close to the actors. It's like you're in the play.
Amy: Uh-huh.
Sheldon: I mean, you yell, "Harry, watch out," he looks right at you. And not just Harry, everyone onstage.
Amy: At the risk of sounding redundant, uh-huh.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: All right, well, it's a bit late, but I did block out the rest of the evening for conjugal relations. Should we shower? I mean before, not during. That's how you fall and break a hip.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Sheldon, do we really have to do this on a schedule?
Sheldon: Are you suggesting spontaneity?
Amy: I guess, yeah.
Sheldon: So, now that we're married, sex can occur at any time? Like, we can be brushing our teeth, and suddenly your minty-fresh tongue is in my mouth? No, thank you.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Where are you going?
Sheldon: Uh, to take a shower. Now that sex can happen at any time, I always have to be ready. Should probably live under a waterfall.
Amy: Well, you don't have to worry about sex happening tonight.
Sheldon: Oh. Well, thanks, but I'm still gonna rinse off. I touched a lot of stuff in the gift shop.

Quote from Penny

Mrs. Fowler: No message, no note. Who would do that? What kind of husband would-
Leonard: If you let him talk, maybe you'll find out.
Mrs. Fowler: Fine. Larry?
*Mr. Fowler shrugs his shoulders*
Penny: Well, there you go. What more can he say?

Quote from Penny

Penny: I know, really, what did he ever see in her? He's so, so sweet, and she's such a ballbuster.
Leonard: Some guys think strong women are sexy.
Penny: Yeah, but they seem to have nothing in common.
Leonard: Yeah, well, sometimes opposites attract.
Penny: Wait, are you saying we are like them?
Leonard: I don't know, maybe a little.
Penny: So you're the sweet, quiet one and I'm Amy's mom? Is that what you're saying?
*Leonard shrugs his shoulders*

Quote from Raj

Raj: Hey, check out what Neil deGrasse Tyson just tweeted. "I've been informed that some random, attention-seeking nobody took a cheap shot at me on the local news." That's me. Guys, he's talking about me!

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: Raj, you need to apologize to Dr. Tyson.
Raj: Why? This could be good for me. Everybody loves a good Twitter feud. Neil and I could be like the new, uh, Katy Perry and Taylor Swift.

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: Come on, Raj, you're better than this.
Raj: Oh, leave room for dessert 'cause I'm gonna make you eat those words.

Quote from Raj

Raj: (clears throat) "Dear Dr. Tyson, "much like epithelial tissue, it appears I've gotten under your skin." iPhone drop, but I won't 'cause I don't have AppleCare.

Quote from Raj

Bernadette: What'd he say?
Raj: "Nice try, genius. The skin is epithelial tissue." Oh, it's on. He's Katy, I'm T-Swift.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Just let it go.
Sheldon: Is everything all right? You seem testy this morning.
Amy: I'm not testy.
Sheldon: I'll have to take your word for it. There's no test for testy.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Is it possible that you're sexually frustrated?
Amy: Okay, now I'm testy.
Sheldon: If you had adhered to my coital schedule, your brain would be floating on a sea of oxytocin right now.
Amy: Don't talk to me about my brain. I'm a neurobiologist.
Sheldon: Then you should know the benefits of the special hug that grown-ups give each other.
Amy: Sheldon, everybody's listening.
Sheldon: Of course they're listening; we're interesting.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm only recently married. Do I stay here? Do I follow? Say something useful.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Morning, sunshine. So I see you're making espresso.
Penny: Yup. Just need that extra jolt for a successful day of ballbusting.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Mrs. Fowler is an angry, vindictive woman, whereas you are warm and-and loving, quick to forgive.
Penny: Oh, please.
Leonard: I'm serious. And I'm nothing like Amy's dad. He's a mousy little man who can't stand up for himself.
*Penny stares at Leonard*
Leonard: My point is you're not like her, so we're not like them.

Quote from Leonard

Penny: Well, 30 years from now, are you gonna hide from me because I'm so scary?
Leonard: Hey, I don't think you're scary. Yes, I flinch when you make sudden moves, but that says more about my childhood than you.
Penny: Aw.
*Penny goes to huge Leonard, he flinches and backs away. He recovers and hugs her.*

Quote from Raj

Raj: Hang on, I'm checking to see if Neil replied to my latest smackdown.
Bernadette: Really? Don't you think this Twitter feud is a little silly?
Raj: Absolutely not. It's two respected scientists debating opposing views in a public forum.
Howard: You called him Mike Tyson's little sister.
Raj: Yeah, and now Mike Tyson's mad at me, too.

Quote from Penny

Mrs. Fowler: He said he needs a break, and I'm too much for him.
Penny: Oh. I'm sure he didn't mean that.
Mrs. Fowler: He said I'm overbearing!
Penny: Oh, please, you're just the right amount of bearing. Look, I know he loves you. If you just give him some space, I'm sure he'll come back.
Mrs. Fowler: You really think so?
Penny: Yeah, I do.
Mrs. Fowler: You're a good person, Penny. I hope we get to spend lots of time together.
Penny: Me, too.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Hit the road.
Mr. Fowler: But-
Penny: Now!
Mr. Fowler: Can I get my stuff?
Penny: Be quick about it!

Quote from Raj

Raj: Go for Dr. K.
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Is this Rajesh Koothrappali?
Raj: Yes. Who is this?
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Raj: (stammers) Uh, wow. (chuckles) How fun is this Twitter thing, huh?
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: You think you're funny?
Raj: I'm not Seinfeld funny, but I did an open mic night once.
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: You're not funny.
Raj: Yeah, that's what they said at the Chuckle Hut.
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: How about this, I've got a book signing at Vroman's in Pasadena next week. Why don't you come by and say some of those things to my face?
Raj: (chuckles) Oh, no, but thanks for the invite.
Dr. Neil deGrasse Tyson: Smart move, and the next time you pick up your phone, remember, I'm the guy who kicked Pluto out of the solar system.
Raj: And it deserved it, sir. Thank you. Bye-bye.

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