Quotes from ‘The Lizard-Spock Expansion’

The Lizard-Spock Expansion

The Lizard-Spock Expansion - Season 2, Episode 8
Aired November 17, 2008.

A smitten Wolowitz thinks he has found the love of his life, until she finds herself more interested in Leonard.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Quote from Leonard

Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard: You know, I'm a physicist, I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard: I wrote some of it down.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I'm sorry but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV Series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Quote from Mrs. Wolowitz

Mrs. Wolowitz Tell her we're going to the Olive Garden. I have a coupon from the paper.
Howard: We're not going to the Olive Garden, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz Oh, Mr. Big Shot with his Red Lobster.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Rock - Paper - Scissors - Lizard - Spock

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.

Quote from Raj

Leonard: How can 5 not be worse than 1?
Raj: Yeah, Star Trek 5 worse than 1.
Sheldon: Okay, first of all that is a comparison of quality not intensity. Secondly, Star Trek 1 is orders of magnitude worse than Star Trek 5.
Raj: Are you joking? Star Trek 5 is the standard against which all badness is measured.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Mock me if you will, but it works. You show up at a club in something distinctive, scope out your target and toss out some negs.
Raj: What are negs?
Howard: A neg is a negative compliment that throws a pretty woman off her game. Like "Normally, I'm not turned on by big teeth, but on you, they work." I've got a whole list of em. Who wants to be my wingman?
Leonard: You're not gonna need wingman, you're gonna need a paramedic.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Doesn't anyone wanna know where he's going?
Penny: Okay, where is he going?
Sheldon: Leonard is going to the office.

Quote from Mrs. Wolowitz

Mrs. Wolowitz Who is it?
Howard: It's Leonard.
Mrs. Wolowitz You're gonna have to play outside. I'm not dressed to receive!

Quote from Howard

Howard: May I say Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: There must be another way.
Raj: You could try calling AAA. But based on NASA's latest timetable, they wouldn't be out there for another 35 years.
Sheldon: Plus, I understand you need to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.

Quote from Howard

Howard: I got the Mars-rover stuck in the ditch.
Sheldon: Where?
Howard: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield. Where do you think?! On Mars!

Quote from Raj

Sheldon: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj: I don't want to watch Saturn 3. Deep Space Nine is better.
Sheldon: How is Deep Space Nine better than Saturn 3?
Raj: Simple subtraction will tell you its six better.

Quote from Howard

Howard: Kind of a "Mars rover, Mars rover, can Howard come over?" situation.

Quote from Sheldon

Rajesh: Oh,snap.
Sheldon: Snap what?

Quote from Raj

Sheldon: Will you at least stipulate that Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home is inarguably the best?
Raj: I have 3 words for you: Wrath of Khan.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Just out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Stephanie: Are you insane, the guy was wearing an eyepatch.
Leonard: So, then why did you--
Stephanie: He said I could drive a car on Mars!

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: OK, I guess we have to turn to Plan B.
Raj: What's Plan B?
Howard: Erase all the hard drives, scrap the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon: Why wasn't that Plan A?

Quote from Howard

Penny: Howard, didn't you say you worked on the Mars Rover?
Howard: No, you're mistaken.
Penny: Yeah, when we first met, you said that if I went out with you, I could drive a car on Mars.
Howard: I don't know what you're talking about.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Will you all excuse me? Leonard is subtly signaling that he'd like to talk to me in private.

Quote from Howard

Penny: Yeah, I remember specifically. You started by asking if I was from Mars because my ass was out of this world.
Howard: Well, that does sound like me, but no.

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: Is there some problem?
Leonard: Yeah. Listen, I have to kinda sneak out for a while.
Sheldon: All right, goodbye.
Leonard: No, wait. If anyone asks you where I went, you don't know.
Sheldon: Where are you going?
Leonard: I can't tell you that.
Sheldon: Who would ask me?
Leonard: I can't tell you that, either.
Sheldon: So you brought me in here to inform me that you can't tell me where you're going and you can't tell me who might ask?
Leonard: Yeah, I really didn't think this through.

Quote from Leonard

Sheldon: If someone, and of course, we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
Leonard: I don't know. Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon: Are you going to the office?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard: Just say, Leonard went to the office.
Sheldon: All right. Leonard went to (dramatically) the office.
Leonard: What is? No, not like that! Just, Leonard went to the office.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: This would have worked out a lot better if you'd just told me you were going the office.
Leonard: I'm going to the office.
Sheldon: See, why don't I believe you?

Leonard: So how was work today?
Stephanie: Busy. I removed an appendix, a gall bladder and about a foot and a half of bowel.
Leonard: I'm hoping that's three different guys.
Stephanie: No, just the one. He didn't make it.

Quote from Penny

Penny: So, who is she?
Leonard: Oh, she's a doctor.
Penny: Oh, nice. A doctor doctor, or a you kind of doctor?
Leonard: Doctor doctor. Surgical resident. Smart, pretty. Let me ask you something. If your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not because, in fact, you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well, that depends.
Leonard: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard: Yeah.
Penny: Screw him. You're fine.

Quote from Penny

Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Well, have you slept with her yet? ... You dog! Good for you.
Leonard: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard: So why'd you ask?
Penny: I'm nosy. See ya.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Hi, Howard. Howard?
Howard: Sheldon.
Sheldon: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard: That's just ridiculous. Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon: I don't make the rules, Leonard.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Howard, come on, I didn't plan on this. These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.
Howard: Did someone just feel a cold breeze?
Sheldon: I believe this is an extension of the death metaphor. The cold breeze is the so-called ectoplasmic issue of a disembodied soul passing by.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Compromise. Watch Babylon 5.
Sheldon: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard: Well, five is partway between three... Never mind.

Quote from Leonard

Howard: Hello, boys.
Leonard: Ahoy, matey.
Howard: Noticed the eye patch, did you? It's all part of a technique I've been studying for picking up women. You employ a visual display designed to make yourself distinctive and memorable.
Sheldon: Oh yes, like the male peacock with brilliant plumage or the rutting baboon with engorged hindquarters.
Leonard: Or in this case, the bar mitzvah boy with pinkeye.

Quote from Penny

Penny: (entering) Howard, your scooter's blocking my car. Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard: Step one, she notices the eye patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as hot as you do with such greasy hair? (She pulls his eye patch away from his face, then lets it snap back to his face)
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
Howard: Ow.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: What happened?
Leonard: Howard's at the Mars Rover lab. He says he's in trouble. DEFCON 5.
Sheldon: DEFCON 5? Well, there's no need to rush.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: DEFCON 5 means no danger. DEFCON 1 is a crisis.

Quote from Howard

Sheldon: You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room?
Howard: Yeah, I picked her up in the bar. She's a doctor. One free barium enema and my mother won't care she's not Jewish.
Leonard: Wait a minute, so the eye patch and the insults worked?
Howard: No, there were three other guys with eye patches, it was a fiasco. What did work was, "How'd you like to visit a secret government facility?"

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: So what exactly do you want us to do?
Howard: I need you and Raj to help me get the Rover out of the ditch, and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she's here. She doesn't exactly have clearance.
Sheldon: Really? They don't let strange women from honky-tonks come in and play with $200million government projects on distant planets?

Quote from Leonard

Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard: No one's a scientist like Howard.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: My mother is so gonna love her.
Sheldon: Oh, how nice. Maybe they can carpool when they visit you in federal prison.

Quote from Leonard

Stephanie: (Breaking away from kissing) I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard: Just said Howard's a terrific guy. He's got a great sense of humor, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Stephanie: I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
Leonard: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture.