Sheldon: *knock knock knock* Leonard? (x3)
Leonard: What, Sheldon!? What, Sheldon!? What, Sheldon!?
Sheldon: Tell me what you see here.
Leonard: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

Sheldon: I would ask you to find some way to suppress your libido.
Penny: I could think about you.
Sheldon: Whatever works.

Raj: Ooo.
Penny: What's the matter, Lassie? Did Timmy fall down the well?

Sheldon: Well, this is very pleasant.
Leonard: I'm glad you're enjoying yourself.
Sheldon: And you said there would never be enough pasta for the three of us.

Sheldon: Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon: The statement stands for itself.

Sheldon: This is banana bread.
Penny: This is a door knob.

Sheldon: If I'm permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper for the win!

Leonard: I'm bleeding!
Sheldon: Like a gladiator.

Sheldon: What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Strawberries.
Sheldon: Mmm, technically not a fruit, but all right.

Sheldon: I spent so much of my childhood at that hospital. When I was 12, I got to ride there in a helicopter.
Stephanie: What? What happened?
Sheldon: Radiation burns. A little mishap while I was building my own CAT scanner.
Stephanie: I'm sorry, you tried to build your own CAT scanner?
Sheldon: No, I didn't try, I succeeded.

Howard: Don't spritz him with that body spray from the commercials where the women undress when they smell it? That doesn't work at all. No matter how much you put on.

Sheldon: I'd like to have a talk about relationships.
Raj: You were supposed to have the talk with him.

Leonard: You hacked my Facebook account?
Sheldon: Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.

Penny: I'll tell you what happened. (sigh) We were young. We were very much in love, but we could only communicate through a time-travelling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

Sheldon: So, have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. New topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I've been doing some research online, and apparently female primates, you know, uh, apes, chimpanzees, you, they find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question, where are you in (Penny slams door). Clearly, I'm 14 days too early.

Sheldon: If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed.
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed. And now we've got McCoy.

Sheldon: More to the point, it's about finding a way to keep Leonard and Stephanie together.
Howard: Oh, I don't think you can.
Sheldon: Well, why not?
Howard: Look at Leonard's record. 27 days with Joyce Kim.
Raj: During which she defected to North Korea.
Howard: Two booty calls with Leslie Winkle.
Raj: For which she awarded him the nickname "speed of light Leonard."
Howard: And a three hour dinner with Penny.
Raj: Which would have been two and a half if they ordered the souffle when they sat down.
Howard: Based on the geometric progression, his relationship with Stephanie should have ended after 20 minutes.

Sheldon: Penny, hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon: What is shaking?
Penny: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing in the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: What's wrong with you? You're freaking me out.
Sheldon: I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. S'up?
Penny: Please don't do that.
Sheldon: All right, But I'm given to understand that when you have something awkward to discuss with someone, it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit chat.
Penny: So, this wasn't the awkward part?
Sheldon: No.

Sheldon: In fact, I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house, not a snowball's chance in a CAT scanner.

Leonard: Do you understand that this was supposed to be a date?
Sheldon: I do. Do you? Because frankly, you've been in a foul mood since I sat down.

Sheldon: Hi, Stephanie. I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh, clearly I could have.
Sheldon: It took me nearly 20 minutes to go through the browser history on your computer to see what movie times you looked up.

Sheldon: This is Stephanie's Facebook page. Now, where it should say in a relationship, what does it say?
Leonard: Stephanie Barnett is single.
Sheldon: Yeah, furthermore, earlier this evening, she threw a digital sheep at some guy named Mike. Who's Mike? Why does he get a digital sheep and not you?

Sheldon: You don't see it, do you? We're losing her.
Leonard: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. You are not in this relationship, I am. Ergo, you have no say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie.
Sheldon: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104 Section A, you are deemed unfit and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard: General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard: Because this is not Star Trek.

Penny: Sheldon, would you like to come in?
Sheldon: I suppose I could spare a few minutes. (Looking at Penny's apartment) Were you robbed?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: How can you be sure?

Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon: I'm certain this will come as no surprise to you, but Leonard is failing in yet another relationship.
Penny: He's having problems with Stephanie?
Sheldon: She's sending virtual livestock to random men on the Internet.

Sheldon: She's sending virtual livestock to random men on the Internet. If I have any hope of keeping them together, I need data. Specifically, I need to know exactly what Leonard did that caused you to pop an emotional cap in his buttocks.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: Again, urban slang. In which, I believe I'm gaining remarkable fluency. So, what is the down and the low? And don't worry, this is all entirely confidential, so, you feel free to include any and all shortcomings in the bedroom.

Leonard: What are you doing?
Sheldon: I have a craving for white asparagus that apparently is destined to go unsatisfied.
Leonard: Excuse me. What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon: I'm helping you with Stephanie.
Leonard: By making constipated moose sounds?
Sheldon: When I fail to open this jar and you succeed it will establish you as the alpha male. You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination she produces the hormone oxytocin. If the two of you then engage in intercourse this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.

Sheldon: What a beautiful job Stephanie did. I might have gone with a mattress suture instead of a blanket stitch, but you can't argue with her results. It's a shame it won’t scar, the war wound is a time-honored badge of masculinity.
Leonard: I can't remember a time when you weren't talking.