Wolowitz: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Wolowitz: So there is a number.

Penny: Leonard, and Howard, and Raj, they aren't like other guys. They're special.
Alicia: Okay, they're special, and?
Penny: Well let's see how can I explain this. Um. They don't know how to use their shields.
Alicia: Shields?
Penny: Yeah. You know like in Star Trek and you're in battle, and you raise the shields.
*Realizing what she said* Where the hell did that come from?

Sheldon: Please. We're facing a far more serious problem than stray arachnids.
Leonard: It's not so bad.
Sheldon: Not bad? It's horrible. You hear stories about this things, but you never think it'll happen to you.
Leonard:So they steamed your dumplings. Get over it.

Howard: Enough with the guilt, ma. We'll still see each other. I'll come over every night and have dinner with you.
Mrs. Wolowitz The hell you will! What am I running here, a fancy restaurant? Does this look like the Olive Garden?

Sheldon: You set it on DTS, didn't you?
Leonard: I had to, she called me cutie.

Wolowitz: According to Alicia's Facebook page, she's hooking up with one of the producers on CSI.
Penny: Dead whore on TV, live one in real life.

Sheldon: Do those sound like castanets to you?
Leonard: The box says 'kitchen'.
Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write 'cocaine' on the box?

Howard: Okay, I get it. You're angry. You don't want to see your little bird leave the nest.
Mrs. Wolowitz Little bird? You're almost thirty. Fly, for God's sake!

Penny: Okay, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I never met them. That's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls. There's no clickety-clackety of high-heel shoes on hardwood floors. They may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape. And without that annoying ammonia urine smell.

Raj: I like Green Lantern, I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.
Sheldon: Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
Leonard: Golden age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.
Raj: Great, so I can take them both out with a number-two pencil?

Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: You stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Good. See how it's done, Leonard?

*Penny enters the apartment without knocking*
Sheldon: Who is it? Hello, Penny. It's open, come in. Sarcasm.

Sheldon: Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I've been working on Admiral Ackbar from Return of the Jedi. "It's a trap". You have to imagine me with a giant squid head. "It's a trap! It's a trap. It's a trap."

Sheldon: The horror!
Penny: Sheldon, I'm sure it's going to be fine.
Sheldon: No, it's not going to be fine. Change is never fine. They say it is, but it's not.

Howard: I'll take the apartment upstairs. I can finally get away from my mother, and we can spend some more time together, if you catch my drift.
Penny: The horror.

Sheldon: Listen to that! 'Stomp, stomp, stomp.' It's Wolowitz and his stacked heels that fool no one.

Penny: Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can't know that. How can you possibly know that? Penny: You know what? Anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.

Penny: Uh, hey, guys, guys, you will really appreciate this, I read the best science joke on the Internet. Alicia, you won't get it, but it's right up their alley. Anyway, so, this physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me." The owner then says, "Well, lots of single, beautiful women come in here every day, why don't you buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you?" And the physicist says, "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?"
Leonard: It's a little insulting, don't you think?
Penny: How would I know? I'm not even sure I get it.

Howard: Shucks means shucks. Let one go once in a while.

Sheldon: Congratulations, I see you did your laundry.
Penny: Well, sort of.
Sheldon: How does one sort of-
Penny: I bought new clothes, okay?

Penny: I cannot believe they're letting her just use them like that. I mean, anything she wants, they go panting after her like trained dogs. You know that just last week, she had Howard drive all the way to her uncle's house in Orange County to pick up her TV?
Sheldon: You once had Leonard and me get your television from your ex-boyfriend.
Penny: Apples and oranges here, Sheldon. I'm telling you, that girl is a user, ice-skating through the life on her looks, taking advantage of innocent weak-willed men, getting auditions for stupid network shows. It creams my corn.

Penny: So, what do we got going on tonight, huh? Playing Halo watching Battlestar, drop some Mentos in Diet Coke?
Leonard: You want to watch Battlestar?
Penny: What can I say? I got my geek on, boys.

Sheldon: You know, Penny, there's something that occurs in beehives you might find interesting. Occasionally, a new queen will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.
Penny: What are you saying, that I'm threatened by Alicia? That I'm like the old queen of the hive and it's just time for me to go?
Sheldon: I'm just talking about bees. They're on the Discovery Channel. What are you talking about?
Penny: Bees.

Howard: Yeah, I thought about renting this apartment, but I'm really more of a downtown loft kind of guy.
Alicia: Cool. So are you in a loft now?
Howard: Oh, actually I'm, uh, living with a woman in Altadena. Purely platonic, she's also my maid.
Alicia: Sounds like a sweet deal.
Howard: I won't lie, it's pretty dope.

Penny: Oh, they're all up there, huh? Hmm, typical.
Sheldon: It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently, they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her in a previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants, so your characterization of their behavior as typical Is demonstrably fallacious.
Penny: Okay, now I see the giant squid head.

Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He's upstairs at Alicias.
Penny: Oh. all right, that's cool, no biggie. He said he'd help me set up my printer, but I guess I can wait. What exactly is he doing up there?
Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrappali setting up her stereo.

Sheldon: Hold on. You honestly expect me to believe that social protocol dictates we break our backs helping Wolowitz move, and then he only need buy us a pizza?
Leonard: I'm sorry, that really is how it works.
Sheldon: You're tricking me. You tell me the truth. What do we get?
Leonard: Raj, help me out here.
Raj: You get to choose between a mountain bike or a PS3.
Sheldon: I knew it! PS3, definitely PS3. Who would pick a mountain bike?

Alicia: Cool t-shirt.
Penny: Oh, yeah, I don't usually dress like this. I'm going jogging.
Sheldon: You don't jog.
Penny: I can start.
Sheldon: True, but the more likely explanation for your attire is that you're out of clean clothes again.
Penny: Thank you, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're welcome, Penny.

Leonard: Hey, Penny. this is Alicia, our new neighbor.
Penny: Hi.
Alicia: Hi.
Leonard: I'm helping.
Penny: I can see.
Sheldon: Alicia's non-musical, childless and pro-rug. She's still on probation, of course, but I like her.

Leonard: Sheldon...
Sheldon: Hang on. Are you now or have you ever been a salsa, Irish folk or break-dancer?
Alicia: No.
Leonard: You're making her uncomfortable.
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry. Well, if it helps you feel any better you're doing very well so far. Next question, are you fertile?
Alicia: What?!
Sheldon: I'm trying to determine whether crying infants above my head are a possibility.
Alicia: I have no immediate plans.
Sheldon: If that changes, let me know. And finally, area rugs, pro or con?
Alicia: Pro?
Sheldon: Alicia?
Alicia: Yes?
Sheldon: Welcome to the building.

Sheldon: Hello. On a scale of one to ten how light of foot would you describe yourself with one being not cat-like at all and ten being freakishly feline?
Alicia: Freakishly feline?
Sheldon: Is that your answer or do you not understand the question? We'll come back to that one.

Alicia: I'm Alicia. I'm moving in upstairs.
Leonard: That is so great. Oh, I'm Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment.
Alicia: That's nice.
Leonard: Yeah, it is.
Sheldon: If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.

Penny: Okay, new topic, please. Hey, did you hear the people upstairs in 5A are moving out?
Leonard: Shh-shh-shh!
Sheldon: What?
Penny: The people upstairs are moving out.
Leonard: No!
Sheldon: The horror!
Leonard: Why would you just say something like that?
Sheldon: No, no, no, no, no, no, no-
Penny: How else was I supposed to say it?
Leonard: Slowly, like putting a new fish in a tank. You dont just drop it in, you let the bag sit in the water a while.