Sheldon: Good Morning your honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se - that is to say representing himself.
Judge: I know what it means, I went to law school.
Sheldon: Yet you wound up in traffic court.

Sheldon: *After just being jailed, at the biggest guy in the cell who's sitting on a bench* That's my spot.

Sheldon: That's the toilet?
Policeman: Well, it ain't a wishin' well!
Sheldon: Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.

Sheldon: I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.

Sheldon: While we live in a deterministic universe, you do have free will. Now sit down.

*Raj comes in playing Darth Vader's background music from Star Wars*
Leonard: Would you please turn your shirt off?
Raj: What? I'm giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I'm awesome and to be feared.
Wolowitz: Right. There's nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who's got music blasting from between his nipples.

Penny: Did he somehow just give me the finger?
Howard: Not just the finger, the moving finger!

Sheldon: *Knock Knock Knock* Penny. *Knock Knock Knock* Penny.
Penny: *Opening her door* ... Penny.
Sheldon: That's just wrong.

Stuart: I will give you the address if you go to my cousin's wedding with me.
Penny: You're extorting a date out of me?
Stuart: I kinda have to. The cousin who's getting married is the cousin I usually go to weddings with.

Howard: Ow. Damn, paper cut. Nothing worse than a paper cut.
Raj: Well, obviously you don't remember your circumcision.

Howard: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard: But there must be thousands of dollars here. Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon: I don't trust banks. I believe that when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

Sheldon: Like a milking stool, my case rests on three legs. I will demonstrate that I was improperly instructed in driving by a woman whose lack of respect for society borders on the sociopathic. I will argue that the emergency met the legal doctrine of quod est necessarium est licitum, that which is necessary is legal. But first, I will raise a Sixth Amendment issue. I'm unable to confront my accuser, a non-human entity, to wit, a camera. So, to sum up, improper instruction, quod est necessarium est licitum, Sixth Amendment. My milk stool is complete.

Sheldon: Ill tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard: Sweet.
Sheldon: Plus, I get to hang out with him again at the hearing. This is going to look great hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

Sheldon: Well, I hope you're satisfied, Penny. You are responsible for all the evil that has befallen me today.
Penny: Okay, I realize that-
Sheldon: Not finished. It is because of you that I now have a criminal record, and it is because of you that I missed out on having gelato with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay, maybe youll have another chance to have-
Sheldon: No, no. I will never have another chance to have gelato with Stan Lee because opportunities to have gelato with Stan Lee come but once in a lifetime. The moving finger writes, and having writ, moves on!

Sheldon: I've decided that I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month's Batman.
Howard: That's crazy. Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon: Yes, which is why no one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique, albeit confusing, artefact, which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom