Howard: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon: Sarcasm?
Howard: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.

Howard: I have a two-part question.
Sheldon: Go ahead.
Howard: A: Are you kidding? And B: Seriously, are you freaking kidding me?
Sheldon: A: I rarely kid, and B: when I do kid, you will know it by my use of the word "Bazinga".
Howard: So you're saying the two of you are going to be sleeping in the same bed?
Sheldon: Yes. Bazinga.

Sheldon: Pee for Houston, pee for Austin.
Pee for the state my heart got lost in.
And shake twice for Texas.

Sheldon: Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st century. So pay attention. Years from now, my biographer might ask you about this event.
Leonard: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.

Raj: Okay, show of hands: who's up for this?
(Howard eagerly raises his hand)
Leonard: We'll all be naked, in front of each other.
Howard (lowering his hand): I'm out.

Raj: I don't wanna sit by myself.
Sheldon: That's what Typhoid Mary said and clearly, her friends buckled.

Dr. Plimpton: Tonight, you are the delivery man, you brought soup, and uh-oh! Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you! So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement?
Howard: Beg your pardon?
Dr. Plimpton: You two figure out the details; I'm gonna change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh! (goes off to change)
Howard: What the frack?
Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.
Howard: Yeah, we broke up weeks ago.
Raj: What? Why didn't you say anything?
Howard: I was waiting for the right time; this is a right time.

Sheldon: Good night. And if there's an apocalypse, good luck.

Leonard: Uh, sleep night. I mean, obviously, good night. I started to say sleep tight then I changed my mind in the middle. I swear to God, I'm smart.
Sheldon: Get it together, man.

Penny: Oh, good, you're up. Look, my car won't start. I need a ride to work.
Sheldon: Did you once again ignore your check engine light?
Penny: No, Mr. Smarty Pants. I ignored the fill gas tank light.
Sheldon: Leonard, Penny wants to exploit any residual feelings you have for her in order to get a ride to work.

Sheldon: Vocal test. Morning vocal test. Second vocal test. Second morning vocal test.

*Raj sneezes*
Sheldon: Hold.
Raj: What?
Sheldon: Explain your sneeze.
Raj: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Do you have allergies?
Raj: No.
Sheldon: Is there too much pepper on your salad?
Raj: I don't put pepper on salads.
Sheldon: I've heard enough. Sit over there.

Dr. Plimpton: Can I ask you a question Howard? Do you like role-playing games?
Howard: Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.

Penny: You know what? It's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
Leonard: Well, now...
Sheldon: Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
Penny: I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.
Sheldon: That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
Leonard: Well...
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Come on. It wasn't my fault.
Sheldon: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?

Dr. Elizabeth Pimpton: Ah, Dr. Cooper, thank goodness. I completely forgot your address. But then I remembered that Id written it on my hand. Lucky for me, I didn't confuse it with what I'd written on my other hand, which are the coordinates for a newly discovered neutron star. 'cause if I tried to go there, I'd be crushed by hypergravity. Anyway, hello.
Sheldon: Hello.
Dr. Elizabeth Pimpton: Nice to finally meet you in person.
Sheldon: I would imagine it is.

Sheldon: All right, Elizabeth, the bathroom is yours. The seat is down, and has been sanitized for your protection.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: That's very thoughtful, but I think I'll finish my coffee first.
Sheldon: Ah, so the yogurt didn't work. I'll fire off a critical e-mail to the manufacturer.

Howard: What the hell are you doing?
Raj: Relax, it's Nyquil.
Leonard: You still have a cold?
Raj: Maybe, but I don't care. That's the great thing about Nyquil, it's like ten-percent booze. I call it the nighttime sniffling, sneezing, coughing, so you can talk to girls medicine.

Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Can I ask a question about your roommate?
Sheldon: He's an odd duck, isn't he?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's his relationship status?
Sheldon: Well, there was a misbegotten adventure with a waitress who lives across the hall. It ended as inexplicably as it began. They had very little in common, except for carnal activity. That's why I acquired these noise-canceling headphones. If you decide to use them, please clean the ear pieces afterwards with the Wet Wipes you'll find in the bathroom. They're in the drawer labeled Wet Wipes.

Sheldon: All right, let me show you some of the features of the room. First, windows. Conventional. Open, closed, open, closed. Halfway open or halfway closed, depending on your philosophical bent. Over here is my comic book collection. Feel free to browse. There's a box of disposable reading gloves on the night stand.

Penny: You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
Leonard: Penny, I can still drive you.
Penny: Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.

Leonard: (To Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton) I think any university would want you. Except, of course, any university that had already had you. Because they would've already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
Sheldon: From the mind that brought you hi-lo.

Sheldon: I must say, I'm shocked by this betrayal.
Leonard: I didn't betray Penny.
Sheldon: Not Penny, me!
Leonard: How am I betraying you?
Sheldon: Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her!
Leonard: Yeah, I guess I did.

Leonard: Hi-lo. Oops. I started to say hi and then I switched to hello in the middle. It came out hi-lo. Duh. Uh, it's nice to meet you. I've read both your books and most of your papers. I'm Leonard, I live here. You're brilliant.
Sheldon: I apologize. He's only an experimental physicist.
Elizabeth: No need to apologize. Some of my best friends are experimental physicists. Well, not my best friends, but I know them. My best friend is a molecular chemist named Wendy. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Hi-lo.

Penny: Sheldon, what are you doing with maxi pads?
Sheldon: I have a lady friend who will be staying with me for a few days.
Penny: Oh. What?
Sheldon: I want her to feel at home. I also bought scented soaps, pantyhose, Midol, calcium chews and what is apparently a yogurt specifically designed to regulate the female bowel.
Penny: Wait, wait, hold on, back up. You're having a woman stay with you?
Sheldon: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not flabbergasted. I'm puzzled. Yeah, let's go with puzzled.

Sheldon: Oh, Penny, excellent. I have a question about these maxi pads. Are the wings truly functional or have I fallen victim to marketing hype?
Penny: What? What are you doing with, what?
Sheldon: The stock boy at Walgreens was frustratingly uninformed on the subject.

Raj: When can I sit with you again?
Sheldon: When I've seen two consecutive negative throat cultures spaced 12 hours apart. You know the drill. All right, if you'll excuse me, I am off to start a prophylactic course of antibiotics.

Leonard: Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton? I am a huge fan of hers!
Sheldon: I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you're a fan of, but very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto.

Raj: The cosmological physicist from Princeton?
Sheldon: Yes. And until you acquire a surgical mask, please address your comments to me through a napkin.

Raj: Guys, help me.
Howard: Sheldon, come on.
Leonard: Yeah, it's just one sneeze. (Raj sneezes again) You're on your own.
Howard: See you, buddy.

Raj: Go away. She wants New Delhi, not Kosher deli.

Sheldon: In here you'll find emergency provisions. An eight-day supply of food and water, a crossbow, season two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.
Elizabeth: What if there's a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?
Sheldon: Then there's really no reason to live, is there?

Sheldon: A word of warning. My guest is a noted physicist and the leading expert on quantum cosmology, so please try to avoid wasting her time with female jibber jabber.
Penny: Female jibber jabber?
Sheldon: Shoe sales, hair styles, mud masks, gossip about your friends Brad and Angelina.
Penny: Oh, they're not my friends.
Sheldon: I'm not surprised, considering the way you talk about them behind their backs.

Leonard: Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon: Well, she doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame here? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.

Sheldon: Oh, Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement, this is your 24-hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard: When you say non-related female, you still mean human, right?
Sheldon: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and, one day, cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.