Penny: I don't understand. Why doesn't Howard just introduce you to the guy?
Sheldon: Because he's punishing me for being a, quote, condescending jerk. You don't think I'm condescending, do you?
Penny: Well...
Sheldon: Oh, I'm sorry, condescending means...

Howard: What's the matter?
Bernadette: Every time I spend the night, your mom slaps me on the behind and says, go get 'im.
Howard: It's not her fault. She's getting hormone replacement therapy. Makes her crazy horny.

Howard: Oh, guys, I just remembered. I got you some Hawking souvenirs.
Leonard: What are these?
Howard: Gears and springs from his wheelchair. Pretty cool, huh?
Raj: Wow, that's amazing.
Howard: Yeah, I made an adjustment on the motor drive and when I was putting it back together I could not for the life of me figure out where they went.

Sheldon: Now will you please present my paper to Professor Hawking?
Howard: I don't know.
Sheldon: Oh, for heaven's sake. I did your laundry. I peepee-proofed your belt buckle. I even sprained my wrist helping your mother lift her bosom.

Howard: All right, Sheldon. There's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon: Okay.
Howard: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard: No, about my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard: Well, then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon: Oh, I understand the confusion. I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me. I'd take it and run.
Howard: Thank you, Sheldon.

Sheldon: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon: I know.

Stephen Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon: Thank you. It just came to me one morning in the shower.

Sheldon: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. Its just, I was thinking Oh, gosh, golly, I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
Stephen Hawking: Great, another fainter.

Sheldon: All right. What would you like me to do first?
Howard: Well, I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon: Oh. By all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my Mee-Maw's silver. And she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard: That's nice.