Barry Kripke: Yes, yes, yes. He's a jolly good fellow. What time do the strippers arrive?

Raj: When I moved to America I was pretty lonely, but when I met Howard my life changed because we could be lonely together.

Wil Wheaton: Oh, Internet. This is so going all over you.

Wil Wheaton: Well, it was either this or another hot tub party at George Takei's house.

Leonard: Good for you, Howard. I'm proud of you. And still, you're the first one of us to get married. We have to do something special.
Sheldon: You know Germans have an interesting pre-wedding custom.
Howard: Well, it's probably not for me.

Stuart: Okay, I'll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can't help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I'm 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.

Howard: Okay, just to set the record straight, I didn't hire the prostitute, she was a gift from him. Shame on you, Raj. That is not how we treat women in this country.
Bernadette: Don't you try and blame this on him.
Raj: Thank you, Bernadette.
Bernadette: Zip it, pervert!

Raj: Anyway, if it's okay with you, we should talk about Howard's bachelor party.
Sheldon: Well, seems like a bit of a let down after our lichen conversation, but, what do you know, youre half swan.

Barry Kripke: Nobody cares, Hofstadter. Wrap it up.

Sheldon: As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humor at Howard's expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled.
Howard, I always thought you'd be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right?
Let's see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you're actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that's a zinger, because you're not.
I've always thought that you'd make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you'd be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don't see as likely. Ha-cha!
Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don't!
Leonard: Sheldon...
Sheldon: Double-zinga! I do!
Good luck following that.

Raj: I think back to all the good times we had, like, uh, when we went camping and spent that night telling each other all our secrets. I told him I'm addicted to pedicures and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin.
Howard: She was my second cousin.
Sheldon: And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Ba-da-bazinga!
Raj: Oh, oh, yeah, and then there was the time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish and that she wanted his little kosher pickle. Of all the Howard humping hookers stories, that one's my favorite!

Howard: I need to talk to Bernadette.
Penny: Well, I don't think she wants to talk to anyone right now.
Howard: All right, well, could you at least give her a message?
Penny: Yeah, sure, I guess.
Howard: Tell her I'm really sorry, and if she doesn't want to marry me, I get it. But what I really want her to know is the guy that she's disgusted by, is the guy that I'm disgusted by, too. But that guy doesn't exist any more, he's gone, and the reason is because of her. So, if this relationship is over, let her know that she made me a better man, and tell her thank you.

Leonard: Are you drinking whiskey?
Sheldon: Indeed. If I'm to participate in the social convention that is the "stag night," then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear words and, yes, alcohol. Jeepers, that's yucky!

Howard: Actually, Barry, we're not going to have strippers tonight.
Barry Kripke: Aww, then what the flip did I get $200 in singles out for?

Sheldon: No, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself. That way, you'd be human, fungus, and algae. Triple threat. Like three-bean salad.
Leonard: Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful.
Sheldon: All right, picture this, a beautiful outdoor concert. Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven. As a fungus, I have a terrific view, growing out of a towering maple tree. And no thank you, expensive concessions. Because as an algae, I'll just snack on this sunlight.