Sheldon: As is the tradition, I have prepared a series of disrespectful jokes which generate humor at Howard's expense. Prepare to have your ribs tickled.
Howard, I always thought you'd be the last one of us to ever get married, because you are so short and unappealing. Am I right?
Let's see here. Oh, seriously though, Howard, you're actually one of the most intelligent people I know. And that's a zinger, because you're not.
I've always thought that you'd make someone a fine husband someday. Assuming you'd be able to get the parts, and develop the engineering skills to assemble them, which I don't see as likely. Ha-cha!
Okay, let me see here. Okay, kidding aside, Howard, you are a good friend. And I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga, I don't!
Leonard: Sheldon...
Sheldon: Double-zinga! I do!
Good luck following that.

Raj: I don't like bugs, okay. They freak me out.
Sheldon: Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.

Sheldon: Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes lizard, lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates lizard, lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaporizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Sheldon: Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid.
Sheldon: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Barry Kripke: Yes, yes, yes. He's a jolly good fellow. What time do the strippers arrive?

Stuart: Okay, I'll go. Howard, when I think about you and Bernadette starting this wonderful life together, I can't help but get a little choked up. I mean, look at you. You have everything. Look at me. I'm 37. I sleep in the back of a comic book store, and I have the bone density of an 80-year-old man. To Howard.

Raj: When I moved to America I was pretty lonely, but when I met Howard my life changed because we could be lonely together.