Raj: In the last hour 162 people have read our profiles. How many of them have sent us messages?
Stuart: Combined?
Raj: Yes.
Stuart: Zero.

Sheldon: Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me, so I'm trying to find something beloved of hers and ruin that.
Howard: Because her life wasn't enough?

Beverly: Let's discuss why you continue to involve me in your sex life.
Leonard: Oh, please no mommy. No mommy.
Beverly: When you were six years old, you walked in on me and your father naked. I was swatting his bottom with your brand new ping-pong paddle.
Leonard: I didn't dream that!?
Beverly: How did that make you feel?

Sheldon: You've spent time with Amy, can you think of anything she's fond of that has a bunch of flaws she hasn't noticed?
Leonard: ... I got to go.

Beverly Hofstadter: Hello, Leonard.
Leonard: Mom?
Beverly Hofstadter: I understand you have been whining about my parenting in order to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.

Amy: I love Little House. It made me want to live on a farm so much I tried to milk my cat. That tangy bowl of Cheerios was not worth the stitches.

Stuart: Is make-up really necessary?
Raj: When somebody looks at your dating profile, the first thing they see is your picture. I just want to make sure you look fun and full of life, not like a body they just pulled out the river.

Leonard: There's chapters about potty training, bed wetting and masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me, she wrote about it!

Penny: I just want to know why a five-year-old boy puts on his mom's make-up and wears balloon boobies.
Leonard: They weren't boobies, they were muscles. And the make-up was green, I was pretending to be The Hulk.
Penny: You were wearing her bra.
Leonard: That was to keep my muscles from sagging. Can we please stop talking about this?!

Leonard: Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter Egg Hunt with no eggs to see how long I'd keep looking? The answer, by the way, June.

Stuart: I don't think I've ever felt so rejected. And I had a rescue dog that ran back to the pound!

Stuart: That's right, ladies. For all you know, I'm confident and fun to be around.

Penny: Not even the one on the breast feeding crisis?
Leonard: It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one, she got a little lopsided.
Penny: Oh my God, you still go left!

Sheldon: More like Little House of the Prepostorous.

Raj: What did you put as the one word description of yourself?
Stuart: I put unobjectionable. But now I hear it out loud, it just seems like I'm being cocky.

Howard: I was just thinking about my mom and how sad my childhood was.
Bernadette: Yeah, I bet it sucked. I'm gonna take a bath and you do the dishes.
Howard: How about I take a bath with you? See what happens?
Bernadette: Here's what's going to happen: I'm going to take a bath, you're gonna do the dishes.
Howard: That's it? No compassion?
Bernadette: "Aww, poor Howie". We good? I'm going to take a bath.

Amy: When you told me I was going to be "losing my virginity", I didn't think you meant showing me Raiders of the Lost Ark for the first time.
Sheldon: My apologies. I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch.

Raj: Attention all shoppers, my business is open for business!

Penny: Bernadette told me everything. Now you don't get the left or the right.

Raj: Okay, let's try it again. But this time, pretend the girl you want to meet doesn't want to hurt you.
Stuart: I don't think I can give you that.

Sheldon: Alright, I'm mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me, you might have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

Stuart: What did you put for your best feature?
Raj: My parents' money. What did you put for your best feature?
Stuart: I put "not applicable".

Stuart: Aw man, if I'd started this years ago I'd be divorced two or three times by now.

Leonard: Come on, not that book! It's got like every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny: Oh cool, are there pictures?

Sheldon: If I'd known this was about time travel, I'd have watched this much sooner.