Penny: What are you doing back?
Leonard: We got a flat and couldn't get the tire off.
Penny: Oh, I'm sorry.
Leonard: Thank you.
Penny: If it makes you feel any better, I pierced Amy's ears and her mom made her sit in my closet.
Sheldon: We blew up Feynman's van.
Penny: My dad killed my pig with his tractor.
Leonard: I spent the night in Mexico with Sheldon.
Penny: You win.

Amy: Uh, well, actually, to be honest I haven't told her yet.
Penny: You've been giving me a hard time and you haven't even told your mom about Sheldon?
Amy: I'm feeling a little dizzy from all the blood loss. I don't know what you're talking about.

Penny: Thanks a lot, guys.
Bernadette: What did we do?
Penny: Before I made that call, my pig was alive and happy and rolling around in the mud. Now he's illegally buried in our backyard next to my great-grandmother.
Bernadette: Really? They didn't eat him?
Penny: No! He was a beloved member of the family.
Bernadette: The breakfast meat family?

Amy: I know we're not making a fuss, but in the spirit of bachelorette parties, I made cookies in the shape of male genitals.
Penny: You really didn't have to- Whoa, that is anatomic.
Amy: Thank you. The veins are gummy worms.
Bernadette: Oh, look, Jewish and gentile.
Amy: I had extra dough.

Sheldon: Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: I am getting too old for this crud.

Howard: Well, Sheldon, there's something about this van that you're going to find very interesting.
Sheldon: It runs on syphilis?

Bernadette: Amy, I noticed your status still says "in a relationship" on Facebook.
Amy: You're right. I should probably let all of my Facebook friends know.
Penny, I'm no longer in a relationship.

Sheldon: Uh-oh. According to this Mexican Customs Web site, visitors may not bring more than five laser discs, 20 compact discs or 12 VHS tapes.
Raj: We don't have any of those.
Sheldon: How can you be sure? VHS was king when Feynman drove this van. For all we know, there are hidden compartments lousy with Jane Fonda workout videos.
Leonard: If there was a hidden compartment, don't you think you'd be stuffed in it by now?

Bernadette: We'll take you to the mall to get it done.
Penny: Why? I can do it right here.
Amy: Really? You have a piercing gun?
Penny: No. All you need is a needle and an ice cube. I've done it, like, a dozen times.
Amy: Oh, I don't know.
Penny: Oh, come on. I'll be gentle. Let me take your ear virginity.
Bernadette: This party's weird.

Raj: If this was Star Trek, we could use a phaser to blast it off.
Howard: No, it's too broad of a beam. You'd need something more precise, like Superman's heat vision.
Sheldon: Ooh, the Green Lantern's ring could make a big green hand that unscrews it.
Raj: If you need a green hand, why not just use the Hulk?
Sheldon: Oh, please, the Hulk would never get across the border with that temper.
Leonard: Guys, excuse me, not that calling one of the Avengers isn't a perfectly reasonable choice, but we're scientists. Don't you think we can figure this out using actual science?
Sheldon: Yes, we could use science. But it's your bachelor party. Lighten up.

Howard: We will, we will, percussive shock you.
Raj: We will, we will, percussive shock you.
Sheldon: Buddy, you're a boy, make a big noise, playin' in the street, gonna be a big man someday.
You got mud on your face, you big disgrace.
Kickin' your can all over the place.
I have an eidetic memory. Sometimes it's a curse.

Amy: So, Penny, how's married life?
Penny: Oh, it's good. I just wish Leonard would work up the courage to tell Sheldon he's moving in here.
Bernadette: You guys still aren't living together?
Penny: We are. I mean, he sleeps here. But it's only a matter of time before Sheldon has a bad dream and tries to climb into bed with the Leonard-shaped pile of pillows.

Amy: Hi, Mom.
How are you doing? Oh, good.
How's work? That's nice.
I'm fine.
Hey, listen, I've been meaning to ask, how come Aunt Doe and Aunt Florence never got along?
Penny: Okay, just give me that. Amy broke up with Sheldon, she got her ears pierced and she made us eat penis cookies!
Hang on. She wants to talk to you.

Sheldon: Unhand me! This is ridiculous.
Howard: I told you to put tape on his mouth.
Raj: And I told you he bit me!

Sheldon: What if that burning food attracts animals?
Howard: We have plenty of food for the animals.
Sheldon: We do?
Howard: Yep. A six-foot wiener in a Flash T-shirt.
Sheldon: That's not very nice.
Leonard: It's a bachelor party. Lighten up.

Howard: Calm down. There's a theme to this weekend. We are going to Mexico in Feynman's van to stay at the vacation house Feynman bought with the money from his Nobel prize.
Sheldon: Viva la Imodium. Ay, ay ay!

Bernadette: Speaking of Sheldon, how's single life treating you?
Amy: Fine, I guess. I've been focusing on me. I was thinking about changing my wardrobe.
Penny: Yes!
Bernadette: Good for you!
Amy: But then I decided I don't want to go changing who I am just because of some man.
Penny: Yes.
Bernadette: Good for you.
Penny: You know, it is normal to want to change your look after a breakup.
Amy: Actually, I was thinking of making one small change.
Bernadette: Your sweater?
Penny: Your glasses?
Bernadette: Your hair?
Penny: Your shoes.
Amy: Piercing my ears.

Amy: Piercing my ears.
Penny: Oh.
Bernadette: Oh, you really never had that done?
Amy: My mom said pierced ears were for whores, pirates and genies.
Penny: Okay, well, you're a grown woman now.
Amy: I know, but Sheldon had this clause in the Relationship Agreement forbidding cosmetic surgery unless it's to look like a Klingon.

Penny: There you go, you're all done!
Amy: That wasn't so bad. Nice!
Boy, if my mom could see me now, she'd lock me in the sin closet.
Bernadette: That's a joke, right?
Amy: Actually, the joke was on her. I could still see the TV through the slats.
Penny: I'm starting to see why you and your mom aren't very close.

Raj: When did you learn how to change a tire?
Howard: Every self-respecting gentleman should know how in case he comes across a damsel in distress by the side of the road.
Sheldon: If I see one scorpion, I am getting on someone's shoulders and never coming down.
Leonard: And there's your damsel.

Amy: How long do you think you can keep it from him?
Bernadette: Yeah, isn't it gonna get worse the longer you wait?
Penny: Well, not necessarily. You know, Dad's not getting any younger, so if I wait long enough, I'll just tell him he walked me down the aisle and it was magical.

Howard: You put up a good fight, lug nut, but you've met your match.

Sheldon: Well, I'd hardly call this kidnapping. Where's the blindfold? Where's the duct-tape? Where's the part where you call me and demand ransom? And I try to keep you on the phone but you hang up seconds before I can trace it. And then I say, "I'm getting too old for this crud."

Sheldon: What was that?
Howard: I think it's a tire.
Sheldon: What if it's banditos shooting at us? What if we get kidnapped? What if we end up in a factory making Bart Simpson pinatas for the rest of our lives?

Raj: Perhaps some of his mojo will rub off on us. Maybe between this and his beach house, we will be inspired to greatness.
Sheldon: I usually don't put too much stock in charms and talismans. However, even I must admit feeling Richard Feynman's butt dent cupping my own bottom that does get the creative juices flowing.
Howard: Hey, I have to return this van. Keep your creative juices in your pants.

Leonard: Hey, watch your speed. I hear the Mexican police target tourists.
Howard: Oh, not a problem. If anything goes down, we just put Koothrappali in the driver's seat and slap a sombrero on his head.
Raj: Dude, how many races can you offend in a single breath?
Howard: I don't know. Have you watched the Olympics with me?

Bernadette: Come on, Leonard's doing bachelor stuff. You sure we can't take you to a strip club?
Penny: Nah, if I want to see a naked dancing man, I just flush the toilet while Leonard's in the shower.

Leonard: So, are you going to give us a clue where we're headed?
Raj: Okay. Let's see. They've got spicy food and there's a chance you'll get diarrhoea.
Leonard: India.
Raj: We can drive there.
Leonard: Your house?

Sheldon: It's bad enough that I'm being taken against my will. I don't see why it has to be in some hippie's mobile sex dungeon.

Penny: Oh, that's Leonard. He said they're about to cross the border.
Bernadette: I hope the boys don't get too crazy in Mexico.
Penny: Oh, yeah, right. Lock up your daughters or Sheldon might lecture them about the North American Free Trade Agreement.
Amy: Boy, that was a long night for me.

Howard: What are you doing?
Raj: It's called Lamaze breathing. It helps you push.
Howard: Great! He's pushing with his uterus.

Sheldon: Let's take this problem one step at a time. First, we need to decide whether we're calling it lee-ver or lev-er.
And the sooner we decide it's lee-ver, the sooner we can roll up our slee-ves - and not sle-ves - and get to work.
Leonard: We're going to be here for ee-ver.

Penny: Why am I so nervous?
Bernadette: It's understandable. Amy was afraid to tell her mom she broke up with Sheldon.
Penny: Yeah? How did it go? Did she make you crawl into the breaking-up drawer?

Sheldon: Would you pass the mustard.
Leonard: Sure. Hey, you wanna hear a fun fact about mustard?
Sheldon: Is it that the glucosinolates that give mustard its flavor were evolved by the cabbage family as a defense against caterpillars?
Leonard: Yeah.
Sheldon: Well, that was fun. Good for you, Leonard.

Leonard: This was Feynman's van? This is so cool.
Raj: Yeah, nothing's been changed since he drove it.
Howard: Bet he picked up a lot of cute grad students in this bad boy.
Sheldon: And talked about physics with them.

Raj: Hey, look! The lug nut's off.

Sheldon: Are we all up to date on our yellow fever inoculations?
Howard: You don't need a yellow fever shot to go to Mexico.
Sheldon: You can never be too careful. I got one last year before I went to Epcot.

Raj: What's wrong with Mexico?
Sheldon: Uh, Mariachi bands, wild dogs, beans that jump around because there's a worm inside.

Leonard: Sheldon, can you believe that we're driving in a van that was owned by one of the greatest scientific minds of the 20th century?
It's like the Batmobile. If Batman was real and a physicist and his car wasn't cool.

Howard: We are going to Me-he-co.
Leonard: Fun! I've never been there.
Sheldon: Leonard, don't be fooled. I'm from Texas. Me-he-co is Spanish for Mexico.

Wyatt: I've been sitting on a little news myself.
Penny: Well, what is it?
Wyatt: You know that rototiller I got for the tractor?
Penny: No.
Wyatt: Oh, you should see it. It is a beautiful piece of machinery. Anyway, uh, I backed over your pet pig with it.
Penny: Moondance?
Wyatt: Yeah, he's, uh, not dancing anymore.
Penny: You killed my pig?
Wyatt: I did not kill him. The vet took care of that.
Penny: When?
Wyatt: Oh, ten, twelve months ago.
Penny: You didn't tell me for a year?
Wyatt: Well, apple doesn't fall far from the tree, does it? Love ya, slugger. Gotta go.