Howard: Hey, look! I found a seashell.
Mike Rostenkowski: Yeah, that's a rat skull.
Howard: (shrieks)
Mike Rostenkowski: Relax. There's enough droppings down here without you making more.

Penny: I can't believe Sheldon was gonna ask Amy to marry him.
Leonard: I know. I also can't believe he watched what we did on that couch and still sits on it.

Bernadette: So I should probably explain why I kind of fibbed.
Howard: That would be nice.
Bernadette: I told my dad that you were the one who didn't want kids because I didn't want to disappoint him.
Howard: But you were okay throwing me under the bus?
Bernadette: Turns out yeah, I didn't think twice about it.

Mike Rostenkowski: Bernie, you don't need to worry about me. But I don't want to see you miss out. Raising children was the most rewarding experience of my life.
Bernadette: Oh, please. Mom did everything. All you did was come home from work, sit on the couch and drink beer. How is that raising kids?
Mike Rostenkowski: This is really a conversation for husband and wife. I'm gonna go clean up, hit the road. If your mother asks, I was here till 10:00.

Raj: It's interesting your father didn't help around the house and Howard doesn't help, either, so in a way, Howard's not only like your father, but he's also like the child that you're afraid to have.
Howard: Why are you still here?
Raj: Fine, I'll leave. But it sounds like somebody needs a fresh diaper.

Leonard: Well, now instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.
Sheldon: Those are very wise words.
Leonard: Thank you.
Sheldon: They'd just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.

Adam Nimoy: What was it about Spock that appealed to you?
Sheldon: I think the same thing that appeals to people everywhere, the dream of a cold, rational world entirely without human emotion.
Spock came from a planet governed only by logic.
You know, on Vulcan, when your brother asks, "Why are you hitting yourself?" The answer is, "I'm not. You're moving my arm." To which he says, "fascinating." And then you both watch educational television.

Leonard: When did we get a wall safe?
Sheldon: When there was no more room in the floor safe.
Leonard: When did we get a floor safe?
Sheldon: When we got the security camera.
Leonard: There's a security camera?
Sheldon: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
Penny: Oh, my God. We've done things on that couch.
Sheldon: Yeah, you don't have to tell me.

Leonard: Did you hear about this study that found people that were cool and popular at 13 have problems succeeding later in life?
Raj: Hmm. I'm doing okay, and I was very popular at 13.
Penny: In school?
Raj: Oh, no. At home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes. I wish I knew their names.

Penny: Does the study say what happens to the unpopular kids?
Leonard: You tell me. You woke up in bed with one.

Bernadette: Look, I get that you grew up here and you're attached to things looking a certain way, but I want this to feel like my house, too.
Howard: Oh, honey, of course it's your house. Why else would you be cleaning it all the time?

Bernadette: All right. Let's start over. I'm redecorating. The furniture, the carpeting, the walls. I'm changing everything that depresses me when I look at it. Try not to be one of those things.

Wil Wheaton: I told you, this guy is gold!

Bernadette: Whatcha doing?
Howard: Oh! Making myself a bologna sandwich like my mom used to make me after my dad left, but before she died.

Wil Wheaton: This documentary is going to be awesome!