Howard: What's your part?
Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj: Ooh, Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.

Raj: Amy, good luck getting these guys excited about a dinner with a theme. I gave up when no one cared about my Tom Hanks-Giving.

Raj: Oh man, first monster I see I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand and shoot my magic all over his ass!
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Raj: Doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

Amy: Do you have any idea how hard it is to laugh at a knock knock joke that starts "Knock Knock Knock, Amy. Knock Knock Knock, Amy. Knock Knock Knock, Amy"?

Bernadette: (Shouting from the bathroom) How many times do I have to tell you to replace the toilet paper when it's empty?
Howard: I'm in the middle of something.
Bernadette: So am I!

Penny: I just got a part on a TV show.
Amy: Congratulations!
Leonard: That's great. Guys ...
The guys: Yeah ...
Amy: What's the show?
Penny: NC - I I? or, you know, NC - S T D. I don't know. It's the one with all the letters.