Quotes from ‘The Santa Simulation’

The Santa Simulation

'The Santa Simulation' - Season 6, Episode 11

While the guys play Dungeons and Dragons and Sheldon is haunted by the memories of Christmas past, Raj joins the girls for ladies' night.

Air Date: December 13, 2012.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Oh man, first monster I see I'm gonna sneak up behind him, whip out my wand and shoot my magic all over his ass!
Stuart: Do you hear yourself when you say these things?

Quote from Raj

Raj: Doesn't anyone have a rod of resurrection? Because if you've got one, I need it bad. Get in here with your rod and give it to me.
Stuart: Okay, you need to say these things in your head before you say them out loud.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: Okay Sheldon, to start our quest, you need to open this little Christmas gift I got you.
Sheldon: Christmas? You know I don't enjoy Christmas?
Stuart: Why not?
Sheldon: Oh, where to begin? Trees indoors. Overuse of the words 'tis' and 'twas'. And the absurd custom of one stocking.
Everybody knows that socks comes in pairs. Who uses one sock?
Howard: A pirate with a peg leg?
Sheldon: Actually, that helps, thank you.

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Oh, a scroll. I like scrolls. They're my third favourite system of transmitting the written word, after stone tablets and sky-writing.
You have all been summoned to join a thrilling Dungeons and Dragons adventure. Your quest begins in a secret northern village of elves who have all been massacred. I like where this is heading. Your task is to rescue their leader from a dungeon of ogres. Oh, that's a saucy twist. That leader's name: Santa Claus.
No, no, no!
Leonard: Its actually ho, ho, ho, but you'll get the hang of it.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: You come to the end of the tunnel and find a large chest. What do you do? And, Howard, do not say, I feel up the large chest.
Howard: Excuse me. I'm a married man now. I wasn't going to say anything so juvenile.
Leonard: Great. What do you do?
Howard: I walk up to the large chest, bury my face in it and go blublublublublublublublu!

Quote from Sheldon

Stuart: My carpal tunnel is acting up.
Sheldon: Play through the pain.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Okay, there are ogre tracks and a trail of broken candy canes in the snow. Sheldon, what do you do?
Sheldon: I signal my contempt for your cruel plan to shove Christmas joy down my throat by making a gesture that says get a load of this guy.

Quote from Howard

Sheldon: Svaty Vaclav is better known as Good King Wenceslas from the beloved Victorian Christmas carol.
Howard: Never heard of it. Must be the one Christmas song not written by a Jewish guy.

Quote from Bernadette

Amy: It's fine. I'm used to being the girl who never gets looked at twice. I didn't have my first kiss until I was 22. And the guy only did it so I'd give him back his insulin.
Bernadette: Sometimes the pancreas wants what the pancreas wants.

Quote from Sheldon

Santa: (By a cannon, pointed at Sheldon) This is for leaving me in the dungeon to be eaten alive by ogres!
Sheldon: Wait, uh, uh, hang on. In my defense
Santa: Ho, ho, ho, ya big dork. (Fires cannon)

Quote from Stuart

Leonard: I got them on Amazon.
Stuart: Sure, I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
Leonard: I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet.
Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.

Quote from Stuart

Stuart: I gotta tell you, this is the most holiday fun I've had since my therapist changed my anxiety medication and I stopped caring about the blood in my stool.
Howard: Good story.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Ooh! Girls' night, girls' night. Ooh, ooh!
Stuart: How does he not hear that?

Quote from Amy

Amy: You think that's bad? In college, I passed out at a frat party and woke up with more clothes on.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Okay. Well, a couple of things. Don't tell them I come from money. I want them to love me for me. They must be insanely hot. Like nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj: Okay, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hot tub.
Bernadette: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?
Raj: In a New Delhi minute.

Quote from Sheldon

Leonard: I grew up in a house full of crazy academics. Instead of leaving Santa milk and cookies, we had to leave him a research paper. And in the morning, you could tell he'd been there because the paper would be graded.
Sheldon: No wonder you love Christmas. That sounds amazing.
Leonard: It wasn't amazing. I got a C- four years in a row.
Sheldon: Yeah, I'm familiar with your work. C-minus was your gift.

Quote from Penny

Penny: Okay, now holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
Leonard: Look at that! I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
Penny: You're so butch.
Leonard: Aw, I got a little paper cut.
Penny: Of course you did. Your hands are softer than veal.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Oh, before I forget, Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really? That's how you're gonna spend your Saturday night?
Leonard: Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
Penny: Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard: Little bit, yeah.

Quote from Sheldon

Amy: Oh, great! I've always wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons.
Sheldon: Yeah, oh, Im sorry. I should've mentioned this earlier. You're not invited.
Amy: Why not?
Sheldon: Amy, from time to time, we men need to break free from the shackles of civility and get in touch with our primal animalistic selves.
Amy: By rolling dice and playing make-believe with little figurines?
Sheldon: Yeah, like a bunch of savages.

Quote from Howard

Bernadette: Saturday night? But I've been working late all week. That was gonna be our night.
Howard: But I have to go. We play as a group. If I'm not there, then everyone will blame you. They'll be all, Bernadette ruined everything. She's the worst. So, you see? I have to play Dungeons and Dragons for the marriage.
Bernadette: You're an idiot.
Howard: I'm your idiot. Forever!

Quote from Sheldon

Sheldon: Fun? Mixing Dungeons and Dragons with Christmas is like making a sandwich of grape jelly, the best-tasting jelly, and petroleum jelly, the worst-tasting jelly.

Quote from Amy

Amy: So, whats the plan? Are we gonna teach our fellas a lesson by getting stinking drunk, luring strange men into the bathroom, and turning the toilet stall into a temple of the senses?
Bernadette: No!
Penny: No!
Amy: Geez, who's Forever 63 now?

Quote from Penny

Raj: Can we get another bottle of champagne for the table? Don't worry. It's my treat.
Amy: Thanks.
Penny: Wow, you should come to girls' night more often. And not just because if you weren't here, this would be a can of Pabst.

Quote from Raj

Raj: My pleasure, nothing makes me happier than the chance to spoil a lady. Just ask my dog. My vet says if I give her any more foie gras, she's going to die of gout.

Quote from Amy

Bernadette: Hey, let's help Raj meet a girl tonight.
Raj: No, no, no, I'm fine.
Penny: Okay, wait, are we talking one-night stand or do we want to get him into a relationship?
Amy: Let's get him laid!

Quote from Stuart

Sheldon: I open the chest.
Leonard: It's locked, but suddenly the door behind you slams shut and now the walls of the room start closing in.
Stuart: That's not good. My character and I both have claustrophobia.

Quote from Sheldon

Howard: That was amazing, Sheldon.
Stuart: How did you know that?
Sheldon: It was simple. I combined a well-known historical fact about Bohemia with the memory of my grandparents, Mee-Maw and Pop-Pop, singing Christmas carols while I sat in front of the fire and tried to build a high-energy particle accelerator out of Legos.
Leonard: Okay, continuing our quest.
Sheldon: Wait. There's still four more verses. You don't sing a song and not finish it.
Hither, page, and stand by me, if thou know'st it, telling. Yonder peasant, who is he? Where and what his dwelling? Brightly shone the moon that night, though the frost...

Quote from Amy

Bernadette: Looks like hes doing pretty good.
Penny: Of course he is. Look, that girl just got dumped by her boyfriend. Shes angry, shes drunk, and her favorite movie is Slumdog Millionaire.
Amy: I mean that is some low-hanging fruit.

Quote from Raj

Penny: So, how'd it go?
Raj: Great. I bought her a couple of drinks, and she gave me her e-mail address.
Penny: Ooh!
Bernadette: Jennifer at not-even-if-you-were-the-last-guy-on-earth-dot-loser.

Quote from Raj

Raj: Why cant I find someone? I'm smart, I've got a cool job, and my naturally bronzed complexion means I can pull off mustard yellow in a way most guys can't.

Quote from Raj

Raj: I'm always attracted to women I can't have. I do it all the time. I did the same thing with the two of you.
Amy: The two of them? I don't understand.
Raj: Well, uh, there was a time when I had a thing for Penny, and I thought she was into me, too, because she got drunk and naked and climbed into bed with me. But apparently I misread those signals.
Amy: And you liked Bernadette also?
Raj: That was before Penny. I make it a rule to only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. I'm very old-fashioned that way.

Quote from Raj

Amy: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
Raj: No, not really.
Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
Raj: Not that I can think of.
Bernadette: Think harder.
Raj: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all.

Quote from Amy

Raj: Sometimes I get so lonely, I sit on my left hand until it goes numb, then I put it in my right hand and pretend Iím holding hands with another person.
Amy: I do that, too. Sometimes the left hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it.

Quote from Sheldon

Stuart: I take out my skeleton key and run to Santa to unchain him.
Sheldon: But first, I cast a spell of paralysis on Stuart and Howard.
Howard: Wait, what are you doing?
Sheldon: You can't talk, you're paralyzed. I get right up in Santa's big, fat face and say, well, well, well, jolly old Saint Nick, we meet again. Yeah, I believe the last time we spoke was in the Baybrook Mall in Galveston, Texas, when I was five years old, isn't that right?
Leonard: Uh, okay.
Sheldon: My mother dragged me there and she plopped me down on your lap and you asked me what I wanted for Christmas. And I told you, my Pop-Pop, because that was the year my grandfather died. I missed him and I wanted him back.
Leonard: This is weird, right?
Sheldon: Pop-Pop was the only one in my family who encouraged me to pursue science. But you didn't bring him back, did you? No, instead, I got Lincoln Logs. Well, you can build a lot of neat things out of Lincoln Logs, but Pop-Pop ain't one of 'em. And now you're here asking me for something, to save you. Well, sorry, Mr. Kringle, but today's not your day. I'm leaving you here to rot, and I hope the ogres feast on your bones. I take the skeleton key, and I toss it into the chasm, and on the way out, I give Santa a swift kick in his bowl full of jelly.

Quote from Leonard

Leonard: Okay. So Wolowitz and Stuart are paralyzed, Santaís dead, and I picked this over having sex with my girlfriend.

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