Mike Rostenkowski: Your new mother-in-law's a piece of work.
Bernadette: Not now, Dad.
Mike Rostenkowski: She's got a bigger mustache than me.

Bernadette: I think what we're all trying to say is that you don't seem to be remembering how traumatic the experience was for you.
Raj: Like how women often forget the pain of childbirth.
Mike Rostenkowski: Like a woman. Great analogy.

Mike: I know I'm hard on you, but you're not the worst son-in-law in the world.
Howard: Mike, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Mike: Well, I'm drunk.

Mr. Rostenkowski: Walnut?
Howard: No, thank you. I'm allergic.
Mr. Rostenkowski: Oh, sure. My partner used to have that. He's dead now.
Howard: From nuts?
Mr. Rostenkowski: Nah, his wife shot him. But she was nuts, so in a way.

Amy: Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

Sheldon: Would you like some aloe vera? 'cause you just got burned.

Amy: Stop it! Today is not about you, it's about Howard and Bernadette, and me!