Bernadette: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette: From all the Dove bars I ate! I'm pregnant! Try to keep up!

Stuart: Oh, so she's good enough for Howard but not for me?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yeah. Go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.

Leonard: You don't go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps!

Bernadette: Gosh, Amy. I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon's work, your sex life is also theoretical?

Bernadette: Do you know what? It's just a research project. The most important job in the world is gonna be raising this child. It's all I need to give my life meaning.
Penny: Oh, that's so beautiful.
Bernadette: You believe me? Oh, good. Eleven more chumps like you, I'll have the jury eating out of my hand.

Sheldon: I don't understand why I can't talk at this meeting.
Leonard: 'Cause when you talk, it enrages people.

Bernadette: Apple slices? What kind of lunatic goes to McDonald's and gets fruit?