Howard: Should we get lunch or you want to eat at the zoo?
*Bernadette and Stuart staring at their phones*
Howard: (imitating Bernadette):"Oh, Howie, I don't need food as long as I can look at my phone."
Bernadette: I don't like when you imitate me.
Howard: You want to hear my Stuart? (imitating Stuart) "It's been a while since I've gone on a date.
You mind if we watch the monkeys doing it?"
Stuart: I said that to you in confidence.

Howard: You know, I'm really glad you decided to learn Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard: Once you're fluent, you'll have a billion more people to annoy instead of me.

Bernadette: Maybe we should get one of those machines to help her up the stairs.
Howard: You mean a forklift?

Sheldon: Sheldon Cooper does not cry.
Howard: That's true, you'd rust.

Sheldon: Who's ready to laugh? [Leonard groans] Okay. So Feynman, Einstein and Schrodinger walk into a bar. Feynman says, "It appears we're inside a joke." Einstein replies, "But only to an observer who saw us walk in simultaneously." To which Schrodinger says, "If someone's looking in the window, I'm leaving."
Leonard: [chuckles] That's actually funny.
Raj: You should send that to Jimmy Fallon.

Raj: Sheldon, what did Amy have that attracted you?
Sheldon: Oh, so many things. Her mind, her kindness, and especially her body.
Raj: Really?
Amy: Relax. We're the same blood type. He knew he could harvest an organ.

Penny: So, Bert, you were telling us how you updated your profile?
Bert: Right. I wasn't getting any responses, and then I added, "Recent $625,000 MacArthur grant winner", and five minutes later, I met my soul mate.
*Amy goes to the hallway*
Amy: I was wrong. You can come back in.