Howard: What's so funny?
Bernadette: Nothing. Just thinking about the noises people make during sex.
Howard: I do sometimes get a bit carried away, don't I?
Bernadette: It's cute. You sound a little like a drunken monkey. Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!
Howard: You know it's meant as a compliment.
Bernadette: That's how I take it.

Bernadette: I had a plan. I kept leaving Dove bar wrappers around to explain any weight gain.
Amy: Where did you get empty Dove bar wrappers?
Bernadette: From all the Dove bars I ate! I'm pregnant! Try to keep up!

Stuart: Oh, so she's good enough for Howard but not for me?
Howard: Yeah.
Bernadette: Yeah. Go have weird relationships with your own mother and cousin. This is his turf.

Leonard: You don't go into science for the money.
Bernadette: Speak for yourself. Last month my company both invented and cured restless eye syndrome. Ka-ching, ya blinky chumps!

Mrs. Wolowitz: Who's there? Are you a sex criminal?
Howard: Sex criminals don't have key, ma!
Mrs. Wolowitz: Where were you so late?
Howard: I was out with Bernadette
Mrs. Wolowitz: I know what that means, I watch Dr. Phil. I hope to God you used a condom.
Howard: I am not having this conversation with you, ma.
Mrs. Wolowitz: God forbid you get one of them fancy sex diseases.
Howard: Nobody has a disease!
Mrs. Wolowitz:I hope not. I share a toilet with you. Is that what you want, to give your mother herpes?

Amy: So, you feeling better?
Penny: Not really.
Amy: Sheldon, you have a guest who's upset.
Sheldon: I'll make tea.
Penny: Sweetie, it's OK. I don't want tea.
Sheldon: It's not optional.

Amy: Thanks to you, I just made a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.