Bernadette: Thanks for getting me out of the house. I feel like my brain is turning to mush.
Amy: Happy to help.
Bernadette: Did I show you the video of the kids sitting?
Amy: Yes, you texted it to me at 3:00 a.m. Thought someone was either in jail or dead.
Bernadette: I'm sorry.
Amy: No, no, i-it gave me something to watch while I tried to go back to sleep.

Amy: All right, we can talk about something else.
Bernadette: It also quacks when you squeeze it. You should've seen Michael laugh. I think I have a video.
Amy: Or maybe we can't.

Bernadette: I mean, really, the bigger danger isn't the loss of mass. Instead, it will run out of hydrogen to use for nuclear fuel, swell up into a red giant, and fry the Earth.
Amy: So you don't want to split a salad?
Bernadette: No, thank you. But speaking of splitting things, did you hear about the light-splitting greenhouse film that could improve photosynthetic efficiency?
Amy: No.
Bernadette: Just a little something I read while nursing a human being that I made.
Amy: I'm just gonna get the chicken.
Bernadette: Ah. N-E-K-C-I-H-C: chicken backwards. Boom, mom brain.
Amy: And a whole bottle of wine.

Sheldon: Hmm. Well, maybe the Chinese did invent the sandwich. I guess you were right.
Amy: Too bad no one's around to hear it.

Amy: So, there's something you like, but it's also driving you crazy. Been there, doing it now.

Amy: You know, why don't I just go down to the food truck and ask them to move?
Sheldon: Why are you taking cash?
Amy: No reason.

Penny: Do you know he is the entire tenants association?
Amy: No, but I'm not surprised. He's also the pope of a planet he invented in hyperspace.

Amy: It's not your fault. I mean, what man wouldn't be seduced by the power to decide how late the laundry room stays open?
Penny: Wait, you're the reason I had to come back and get my jeans the next morning?
Sheldon: I can't believe you expect me to give that up.

Amy: My mother wouldn't approve; shows too much clavicle. She calls it "the bosom's welcome mat."

Amy: Well, I wish I could say none of that is gonna happen, but Penny is planning it, and she is the reason I own those underwear with writing across the butt.

Amy: My bachelorette party's a quilting bee! (forced chuckle)
Bernadette: Isn't it perfect?
Penny: Yeah, instead of oiled-up strippers and sex toys, we thought: what does Amy like?
Amy: (unenthusiastically) Amy likes the quilting bee.

Amy: So you thought that I would like quilting?
Penny: Well, don't you?
Amy: Of course I like quilting! It's the slowest way to make a blanket! But this is my bachelorette party! It's supposed to be fun and wild and full of bad decisions.

Bernadette: Come on, let's go somewhere we can do body shots off shirtless bartenders.
Penny: Yes.
Amy: I don't know. That might be too much.
Penny: All right, you know what, why don't we stay home, have a little wine?
Amy: What are you not getting about this?!

Penny: Well, you didn't pass out before you did all kinds of fun stuff.
Amy: What did I do?
Bernadette: What did you do? What'd she do?
Penny: Um well, you don't remember Riverdancing on top of the bar?
Amy: I did that?
Bernadette: Yeah, you did!
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Amy: But I don't know how to Riverdance.
Penny: Didn't stop you from teaching all those shirtless firemen.
Amy: I saw shirtless firemen?
Penny: Saw, smelled, slid down like a pole.
Amy: Did I flash anybody?
Bernadette: How about everybody?
Amy: I can't believe it. I'm so embarrassed. You didn't take any pictures, did you?
Bernadette: Oh, no, we would never do that to you.
Penny: Yeah, but if there were pictures, they would be crazy.
Amy: You guys are good friends.
Penny: Mmm.

Sheldon: How was your bachelorette party?
Amy: Well, I was in a bar, and I saw some shirtless men. They were firemen, and they fought over me. But Penny and Bernadette got me out of there before the victor got my spoils.