Raj: What do you want to write?
Howard: Something bad-ass. You know, like "Thanks for diggin' our vibe. "We'll keep rockin' if you keep rollin'."
Raj: Dude, if I was wearing a bra, I'd throw it at your head right now.
Howard: I'll keep rockin'. You don't do that.

Howard: We did raise the roof that night.
Raj: Yeah, we totally did.
Howard: Why do rock stars do drugs when this feels so great?

Raj: Did you know, at the United Nations, there's a Department for Outer Space Affairs? Howard: Really? Why?
Raj: They exist in case we ever make contact with an alien civilization.
Howard: Mmm, boy, that's one of those jobs that's boring, boring, boring. Then, "Oh, God! Where's the memo with what we do now?!"

Elon Musk: Nice to meet you, Howard. Feels great to come down here and help the less fortunate, huh?
Howard: Oh, yeah. Nothing better than helping people.
Which is something I realized when I was viewing Earth from the deck of the International Space Station, where I spent two months as a payload specialist, a job I was qualified for because I'm an MIT-trained engineer.
Elon Musk: And I thought I ladled the gravy on thick.

Elon Musk: You think you might ever get back out to space?
Howard: Is that a job offer? 'Cause I really want to go to Mars. Assuming I can bring my wife. She hardly takes up any room. She's basically a carry-on.
Elon Musk: Well, we're not quite there yet, but we're always looking for engineers.
So let me give you my e-mail. We can stay in touch.

Elon Musk: Oh, look. Someone hardly touched their pumpkin pie. Want to share it with me? Howard: A partially eaten piece of pumpkin pie from a homeless shelter with Elon Musk? You bet I do!

Howard: We've only been doing this 20 minutes?!
Raj: You know, I read that washing dishes can be an excellent form of meditation. The key is that while washing the dishes one should only be washing the dishes.
Howard: Just because you have that accent doesn't mean what you say isn't stupid.

Howard: So we don't even get to be up front where the action is?
Bernadette: What difference does it make?
Howard: I don't know. I was hoping some poor kid would come up to me and say, (affecting a high-pitched, British accent) "Please, sir, I want some more."
Raj: You're in a soup kitchen, not a production of Oliver!
Howard: It's not like I'm expecting them to sing.

Emily: So, how does this work?
Bernadette: The soup kitchen manager assigns the jobs, and the shifts are six hours.
Howard: Six hours? Oh, God, I don't want to complain for that long.
Raj: Do you ever do anything for anyone else?
Howard: I happen to be a giving and generous lover.

Raj: Have you guys seen this feature that lets you talk to Siri without pressing any buttons?
Howard: No. How does it work?
Raj: You just say, uh, "Hey, Siri, what time is it?"
Siri: The time is 6:37 p.m.
Howard: So now anyone can control your phone? Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
Raj: Nice try. It only recognizes my voice.
Howard: Oh, cool. (Imitates Raj): Hey, Siri, show me pictures of naked grandma butts.
Raj: I don't sound like that.
Siri: Here are some images of naked grandma butts.

Bernadette: And Raj and I are volunteering at the soup kitchen, feeding food to the homeless.
Sheldon: Well, Howard, what about you?
Howard: Oh I can't. I'm going to the soup kitchen, too.
Bernadette: You said that sounded like the worst thing ever.
Howard: If you can't support me when I'm lying, why are we married?

Raj: 60 seconds. This is not looking good.
Sheldon: One minute is a long time.
Howard: I've been telling women that for 20 years.

Howard: If you don't want to use dating Web sites, what do you suggest?
Sheldon: Off the top of my head? Prospective women weed themselves out in a battle of wits until only one champion remains, she shows up at my door flush with the thrill of victory, and then sits quietly by my side while I watch Daredevil.
Howard: You seriously think women would fight for you?
Sheldon: People compete for jobs and trophies, why not me?
Howard: He's right. He knows a lot of jokes.

Howard: Well, this is actually an interesting social experiment.
Raj: I'm a little jealous of the people who get to do it.
Howard: Me, too. And we've seen the prize.

Mike Rostenkowski: You know, I know you don't want to hear this, but it wouldn't take that much work to turn that den into a nursery.
Howard: Why wouldn't I want to hear it?
Mike Rostenkowski: 'Cause Bernie said you didn't want kids.
Howard: That's not true at all. I wish she'd get pregnant, believe me. I'm climbing on top of her every chance I get.
In a loving and respectful manner.