Mary Cooper: Leonard, don't trouble yourself. He's stubborn. He may stay in there 'til the rapture.

Mary Cooper: You know we have an Indian gentleman at the church. Dr. Patel. It's a beautiful story. The Lord spoke to him and moved him to give us all 20% off on Lasek. You know those that needed it.

Mary Cooper: You have to take your time with Sheldon. His father, God rest his soul, always used to say to me "Mary, you have to take your time with Sheldon."

Mary Cooper: Everybody grab a plate and a pretty place-mat that Shelly wove.

Leonard: He sounds like a wise man.
Mary Cooper: Oh, not that wise. He once tried to fight a bobcat for some licorice.

Mary Cooper: I remember one summer when he was thirteen, he made a small nuclear reactor in the shed and told everybody he was going to provide free electricity for the whole town. Well, the only problem was he had no - what you call - fissionable materials. Anyway, when he went on the Internets to get some, a man from the government came by and sat him down - real gentle - and told him it's against the law to have yellowcake uranium in a shed.

Penny: Well what happened?
Mary Cooper: The poor boy had a fit. Locked himself in his room and built a sonic death ray.
Leonard: A death ray?
Mary Cooper: Well, that's what he called it. It didn't even slow down the neighbor kids. It pissed our dog off to no end.

Mary Cooper: Now, after a moment of silent meditation, I'm going to end with "In Jesus name". Now you two, don't feel under any obligation to join in. Unless, of course, the Holy Spirit moves you.

Mary Cooper: You don't hunt, do you?

Mary Cooper: Good morning, snickerdoodle. Well that looks awful fancy, what is that?
Sheldon: It's my idea of what DNA would look like in a silicon-based life-form.
Mary Cooper: But intelligently designed by a creator, right?

Mary Cooper: Now let's get crackin'. Shower. Shirt. Shoes. And let's shove off.

Mary Cooper: Dr. Gablehouser, are you busy?
Dr. Gablehouser: Well, actually-
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, he's just doodlin'. Get in here.