Sheldon: I need to sleep here tonight.
Raj: Why?
Sheldon: Howard is a total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.
Raj: Okay, come in.

Amy: Are you in the lanthanide series?
Sheldon: Amy, it's Penny's turn. Penny.
Penny: Uh, I dunno. Are you food?
Sheldon: That's not a apropos! We've already established I'm found on the Periodic Table.
Penny: Well, it's a table, right? I mean, why can't there be food on it?
Sheldon: I knew she wasn't lead car material.

Sheldon: Good morning everyone and welcome to "Science and Society". I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, BS, MS, MA, PhD and ScD. OMG, right?

Sheldon: Raj! What are you doing?
Raj: *raises coffee cup*
Sheldon: I don't think so. You've already had your allotted 6 ounces. The next bathroom break isn't until the Denny's near Bakersfield, which is approximately 2 and a half hours away. Remember people, we're only as strong as our weakest bladder.

Penny: So, Amy, I've been wondering, are you and Sheldon going to be sharing a room?
Amy: No, we discussed it. We decided we didn't want to jeopardize our relationship by getting to know each other too well.
Sheldon: Indeed. Nothing sours a friendship more than over-familiarity with someone's toilet routine.

Penny: Hey. So you guys ready to order?
Sheldon: Since we come in every Tuesday night at six o'clock and order the same exact thing, and it's now 6:08, I believe your question not only answers itself, but also stands alongside such other nonsensical queries as "Who let the dogs out?" and, uh, "How are they hanging?"

Amy: Penny, a moment? Do you have plans this weekend?
Penny: Oh, gee, Amy, I'm sorry. I'm actually pretty busy this weekend.
Sheldon: Probably serving food that was ordered today.

Sheldon: I trust Penny will adhere to the Official California Restaurant Workers Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon: (To Leonard) You lied to me?

Sheldon: Good morning. If I could have everyone's attention, please? I know we're all eager to get on the road to Big Sur, so if we focus, I'm sure we can get through this orientation in under a half an hour. Then it's just Q&A, quiz, safety drills, pose for commemorative group photo, and we're off.
Leonard: (To Penny) Don't worry. Just sit next to me during the quiz, and you can copy my answers.

Penny: Who elected you Road Trip God?
Sheldon: Leonard...
Leonard: It was a late-night vote. We were all exhausted and he was threatening to filibuster. It's not technically Road Trip God, it's Travel Supervisor.
Sheldon: Although Road Trip God does have a certain ring to it.

Leonard: I had a great idea. Do you know how we're always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you're doing Fourier equations or using the Schroedinger equation?
Sheldon: Howard doesn't, he's only an engineer.

Sheldon: I'm not saying that all senior citizens that can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.

Sheldon: Hear me out. The atomic bomb was the Manhattan project, Windows 95 was Project Chicago, for our app I humbly suggest Project Nodlehs.

Sheldon: # Nobody knows the trouble I've seen. Nobody knows my sorrow. #

Raj: Hey, why am I in charge of phone support? Seems a bit racist.
Sheldon: A customer service representative with an Indian accent will create the impression that we're a vast enterprise that uses overseas call centers.
Raj: Oh, very clever. But still racist.
Sheldon: Duly noted, Steve from Wichita.