Penny: Okay. Uh, no, the shipment has not arrived, and I really need those shoes. They are my biggest seller. Yes, ladies sizes six through ten. Thank you. Oh, sorry, I have to go, I have a customer. Bye-bye. Hi. Can I help you?
Sheldon: I'd like a frozen yogurt, please.
Penny: Yogurt?
Sheldon: Yeah.
Penny: Um, okay, sure. Luckily, we sell both shoes and yogurt here.
Sheldon: You do?
Penny: Yes. Look up at the sign. And remember, improv is always about saying yes.
Sheldon: All right. Yes. I see a sign. It says Camarillo State Mental Hospital.
Penny: What?
Sheldon: It's the only explanation I can come up with for why you think you sell shoes and yogurt.

Penny: What would you rather do as a scene study?
Sheldon: I'm glad you asked. I took the liberty of adapting a Star Trek fan fiction novella I wrote when I was ten into a one-act play.
Penny: And you think it's better than Tennessee Williams?
Sheldon: Why don't we leave that for future generations to decide?

Sheldon: Very well. I'll set the scene.
Penny: All right.
Sheldon: East Texas. A warm summer night. A woman, Mary, stands on a porch. In the distance, we hear a lonesome train whistle. Woo-woo. The droning buzz of cicadas. Zzzzzzzzz. A coyote howls at the moon, frightening sensitive young boys everywhere. Ow-ow-ow! Out in the woods, an owl screeches.
Penny: Okay, okay. We get it. You set the scene.
Sheldon: Hoot!

Penny: Now just read your mother's line.
Sheldon: Shelly! Shelly, how many times have I told you not to leave your sciencey stuff out on the porch? Goodness, I'll never understand that boy. But then again, I'm a religious nut, and my mind is closed to so many things.
Penny: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo. Spock to Enterprise. Transport successful.
Sheldon: Glory be to Heaven, some sort of creature just manifested out of thin air. George, put down that Pepsi can full of bourbon that ain't foolin' no one, and get your shotgun!

Sheldon: Oh, Shelly? A man's here to take you away to the future. Be sure to pack clean underwear.
Penny: That's good. That's good. That's good.
Sheldon: Mommy, why are you crying? 'cause I'm gonna miss you, Shelly-bean, even though you creep the bejeezus out of me.
Penny: Okay, I guess we're improvising now.
Sheldon: Well I'm sorry. It's not my fault. I'm just incredibly smart, and everyone around here is dumber than a bag of rocks. Oh, now, don’t you start crying. You get in that spaceship. Mommy's late for Indian bingo.

Leonard: Hey, guys.
Raj: Hey, how's it going?
Sheldon: Pff.
Leonard: What? You got something to say?
Sheldon: I think I just said it. P-F-F. Pff!

Amy: Well, since you sort of asked, I actually had a very good day. Got some new equipment for my lab.
Sheldon: Well, congratulations. I got some new equipment, too. I got these markers. They smell like fruit.
Which I did not notice when I bought them. (sniffs) Don't really care for it.

Leonard: So, you're going to spend hours and hours combing through all this stuff?
Sheldon: That's a good point. My time is much too valuable. You know, perhaps I should find someone to do it for me. You know, someone with a rudimentary understanding of science, but whose real talents lie in menial labor.
Leonard: Not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, if I didn't think you could handle it, I wouldn't be asking.

Sheldon: All right, Ms. Jensen. Uh, before we begin, may I offer you a refreshment? Water, coffee, tea, a marijuana cigarette?
Alex: No, thanks. I'm fine.
Sheldon: Now, are you sure? Everyone's smoking them. I think they're the best.
Alex: I don't do drugs.
Sheldon: Excellent, yeah. That was a ruse. They're not the best. Physics is the best. And by the way, coffee was also an unacceptable choice.

Sheldon: All right, so I see here you're from Des Moines, Iowa. Uh, you're summa cum laude in theoretical physics from Stanford University. Oh, and two years ago, you had a persistent ear infection. I hope that didn't cause any hearing loss.
Alex: No, of course not. How did you know about that?
Sheldon: I did a comprehensive background check. Medical records, credit reports, criminal history. (Hiding mouth behind a binder) I trust you paid off those parking tickets.
Alex: Yes, I did.
Sheldon: Hearing unimpaired, good.

Alex: It's nice to meet you. I'm so excited to be working with Dr-
Sheldon: Yeah, please reserve chitchat for your breaks, Ms. Jensen. FYI, there will be no breaks.
Alex: I should probably get to work.

Alex: Here's your frozen yogurt, Dr. Cooper.
Leonard: This should be fun.
Sheldon: Half chocolate, half vanilla, side by side, not swirled?
Alex: Yes.
Sheldon: Half a teaspoon of sprinkles?
Alex: Rainbow, not chocolate.
Sheldon: Two cherries?
Alex: One on top, one on the bottom.
Sheldon: Stems removed?
Alex: Um, top one, yes. I didn't check the one on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh!
Alex: I'm so sorry, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon: It's all right, Alex. I'm not mad at you, I'm just disappointed.

Sheldon: Good morning.
Amy: Good morning. I know today is Apple Jacks day, but we're all out.
Sheldon: That's fine. I'll have anything.
Amy: Really?
Sheldon: Yeah. You know whatev.
Amy: "Whatev"? I like this side of you.
Sheldon: You know what I like? Smooth jazz. (plays "Feels So Good")
-Amy wakes up in bed next to Sheldon, who is humming the same tune-

Sheldon: You know me, I just go with the flow. Beach, public pool, they both sound awesome. On second thought, beach. I'd like to befriend a seagull.

Alicia: I'm Alicia. I'm moving in upstairs.
Leonard: That is so great. Oh, I'm Leonard, I live downstairs. Upstairs from here, but under you. Not under you per se, but under your apartment.
Alicia: That's nice.
Leonard: Yeah, it is.
Sheldon: If that concludes your faltering attempt to mate, hello.