Mary Cooper: How could you think that I would spend the night with a man I just met?
Sheldon: A man named Jesus convinced you to build a church in Africa. You're kind of a sucker.

Beverly Hofstadter: You're not seriously going to visit each other.
Alfred Hofstadter: And why wouldn't we?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh please, you're just saying this to antagonize me.
Alfred Hofstadter: Oh, not at all. Mary happens to be a wonderful woman. And if it antagonizes you, that's just a bonus.

Leonard: Are you saying that my dad's not good enough for your mom?
Sheldon: Yes, while also getting in a solid dig at you. Pretty efficient, huh?

Susan: No more drug talk for the rest of this trip.
Wyatt: I'll drink to that.
Susan: Haven't you had enough?
Wyatt: Penny drinks more than I do.
Penny: Well, I learned from the best.
Wyatt: Aw! (Penny and Wyatt clink their beer bottles together)

Amy: Sheldon, they haven't done anything wrong. I think it's nice they're hitting it off.
Sheldon: Well, that's still no reason to rush into anything. Look at us. We took things remarkably slow. You and I, we didn't even hold hands for two years.
Amy: It was a lot hotter than it sounds.

Raj: There he is! There's my happy Hebraic homeboy. Yeah, that's the smile I'm gonna remember when you're living in the desert and I'm living with your wife.

Beverly Hofstadter: So, what do you do for a living?
Randall: Mommy, you want to take this one?
Susan: Um, Randall's in between jobs.
Randall: (whispering) And court appearances.

Susan: Thank you for cleaning yourself up for your sister's wedding.
Randall: Thank you for my new teeth.

Bernadette: We're here today to celebrate love.
(Beverly sighs loudly)
Alfred Hofstadter: Sigh louder, no one heard you!

Alfred Hofstadter: I'd like to say something. Beverly, I know that we don't bring out the best in each other. But something wonderful did come from our relationship, that young man right there.
Beverly Hofstadter: I couldn't agree more.
Stuart: (tearing up) That's beautiful.

Beverly Hofstadter: Thank you for taking us to the airport.
Leonard: Hey, I'm just thrilled we're all getting along for a minute.
Alfred Hofstadter: Yeah, me, too. Beverly, I'm sorry if I upset you.
Beverly Hofstadter: Water under the bridge, Alfred. Leonard, why don't you get into the carpool lane?
Alfred Hofstadter: Well, that's a solid line. He can't cross it.
Leonard: That's okay. I can make it over.
Beverly Hofstadter: No, no, let's plod along. It'll make your father feel more comfortable.
Alfred Hofstadter: What makes me comfortable is knowing I don't have to wake up tomorrow morning and see your sour face.
Beverly Hofstadter: Do the world a favor, and don't wake up tomorrow morning.
Leonard: That was almost a minute.

Leonard: Until we get married a third time, you guys will never have to see each other again.
Alfred Hofstadter: Well, you know, actually that's not the case. Mary may visit me in New York.
Mary Cooper: Mm-hmm. And he's never been to Texas.
Alfred Hofstadter: Maybe we meet halfway.
Sheldon: In the Chattahoochee National Forest in Georgia? I can't be the only one that knows that's halfway.

Penny: Okay, Beverly, aren't you overreacting a little? All we know is they shared a cab and had a nightcap.
Sheldon: And turned their phones off.
Leonard: Not helping, buddy!

Bernadette: It didn't help that you couldn't walk a straight line when the cop pulled you over.
Howard: I have performance anxiety. You of all people should know that.

Susan: Well, fine, if everyone wants to make jokes about our problems, then I can, too. Knock, knock.
Who's there? Our family is an embarrassment.
Randall: That's not much of a joke.